Wikipedia:WikiProject Biography/Peer review/Edwin Taylor Pollock

Edwin Taylor Pollock

I'm really looking for feedback on this article, before finishing it up and submitting it for WP:GA. The subject is an interesting figure, but it's difficult to have a narrative for his life because he did many things which weren't related to each other much. (This is perhaps typical of military biographies.) I am looking for comments on whether I should remove information on his early life or what other areas are missing or need expanded. Of course, any other comments on my grammar or structure (or anything else) are also appreciated.(I am still working on the final section, about his time in the USNO, but that will be done shortly.) JRP 21:09, 4 February 2007 (UTC)[reply]

Automated

Please see automated peer review suggestions here. Thanks, APR _t 23:04, 5 February 2007 (UTC)[reply]

I've fixed the issues that it raises, except the questionable use of the word "alledged". Because I am rephrasing a well-cited allegation of the Mau movement against the Naval government, I believe this should be okay. JRP 04:24, 6 February 2007 (UTC)[reply]

Kirill Lokshin

Quite nice; some general suggestions, in no particular order:

The lead should eventually be lengthened a bit, to at least two full paragraphs; as it stands, it doesn't provide a very useful summary.
The prose structure is quite choppy; there are many one-sentence paragraphs that should be pulled into the surrounding blocks of text. I'd also consider merging everything up to the Virgin Islands material into a single section on his early life and career.
The double footnote numbers are somewhat annoying. Given that you're not really reusing citations very often, I would suggest tolerating a few repeated ones and going for a single combined note at each place in the text (as here, for example) instead.
The succesion box should be at the very bottom, just above the navigational templates.

Other than that, this looks good. Kirill Lokshin 04:34, 6 February 2007 (UTC)[reply]

I've improved the lead a bit, I think. Can you help me to understand better how I should make this?
I've moved around things as you suggest. I'll try and rework some more of the writing to make it less choppy, also.
I've eliminated double footnotes, as you suggest.
Succession box is moved.

How does this look to you now? JRP 02:12, 7 February 2007 (UTC)[reply]

Much better; I think you've dealt with all of the issues now. Kirill Lokshin 02:33, 7 February 2007 (UTC)[reply]

Yannismarou

Nicely done. Some suggestions for further improvement:

You start straight away with "Early career". You have almost nothing for his early life, and family background. I would like to know something more about the "man"; not just about the "officer". This is what (or something like that!) Cla68 has called the "human element"!
"On his return home, the Spanish-American War was heating up and he was transferred back to the USS New York, to see service in Cuba and Puerto Rico, eventually taking part in the Battle of Santiago de Cuba.[6] In January 1900, he was promoted to lieutenant and assigned to the USS Alliance.[7] Over the following year, he was transferred to the USS Dolphin and the USS Buffalo.[8] On board the Buffalo, he returned to the Asiatic Squadron near China and was finally transferred to the USS Brooklyn, the squadron's flagship.[9]" A bit repetitve maybe.
I see you have the tendency to use a lot in your writing the passive voice. Especially in the first paragraph of "U.S. Virgin Islands" I think you overdo it a bit.
"This movement, which entailed a nearly three-month work stoppage in the first year, was started over grievances over the quality of the roads in the territory." Maybe you could rephrase.
"and that the United States Navy prohibited the assembly of Samoan chiefs, who the movement considered the real government of the territory." With which verb is this "that" connected? "Started over"? Can we say "this movement started over ... that ..."? I'm not a native English speaker, so my question is sincere!
"The movement quickly grew to include several prominent officers of Governor Warren Jay Terhune's staff and culminated in the proclamation by Samuel S. Ripley, an American Samoan born of an American father and a Samoan mother and a large property-holder in the territory, that he was the leader of the legitimate successor government to the pre-1899 Samoa." Maybe "who was" is better than "that he was"? Or maybe split the sentence?--Yannismarou 21:51, 10 February 2007 (UTC)[reply]
- I'm starting to work on this, I might not get enough edit-time until Wednesday though. Thanks! JRP 03:49, 12 February 2007 (UTC)[reply]
- I've made some more changes. I have difficulty with the passive voice and would appreciate any help you can direct me to on the subject. I believe I have reworded things, especially in the American Samoa section, to be more clear. Does it look better to you?
- As for his personal life, I've had some difficulty finding information. The best info for Pollock comes from the histories of the USVI and AS... and sadly his "personal life" remained behind in Washington. I'll look around for more.
- I'm considering submitting this to WP:FAC, can you recommend any changes I should look to apply for that? JRP 00:00, 13 February 2007 (UTC)[reply]
  - The article couls stand in FAC, even as it is now. A more comprehensive approach of his life (e.g. personal life I said) would just be more careful.--Yannismarou 11:55, 14 February 2007 (UTC)[reply]

Petercorless

Caught an "a a" instance and fixed it.
Put the ships he commanded in the infobox:
Not sure if we should list "American Samoa" or "United States Naval Observatory" under "commands." --Petercorless 04:15, 14 February 2007 (UTC)[reply]
- Thank you! Did you pull the commands list from the article or do you have a fantastic list someplace? I don't know how to list American Samoa or the USNO either in this infobox. JRP 04:19, 14 February 2007 (UTC)[reply]

I just pulled the list from the article. I wasn't sure from your phrasing whether he was given command of the USS Massachusetts when he was promoted to commander, or whether he served under a captain (which seems likely for a BB) so I did not cite that ship in the list of his commands. Consider adding a reciprocal link to this article to the related ship articles that exist. Many of the ships are lacking lists of commanding officers, so you might need to add it as an inline reference. As for listing the Governor and USNO posts, ask on the main Military History project "talk" page to get feedback as to how or whether to list them beside his shipboard commands. --Petercorless 04:27, 14 February 2007 (UTC)[reply]

Well, if they're actual military commands (rather than essentially civilian posts that happen to be filled by an officer), then there's no reason why they can't go in the "Commands" field; otherwise, I'd say the "Other jobs" field is probably the most suitable place. Kirill Lokshin 04:30, 14 February 2007 (UTC)[reply]

FYI, the news report I cited about the Massachusetts was ambiguous, if I recall correctly. I had the same scratching of the head that you did and then I wrote it the way I did. Not perfect. I was hoping that if you did have a list, it might help me be sure about that one and completeness in general. I don't claim that the list is complete because the civilian press, especially at the entrance to WWI, didn't have as good of reporting. For example, I couldn't find the date he was promoted to captain because I couldn't find the announcement, but at some point he just starts getting referred to as captain. Imperfect, but I believe I have done the best job I can with the resources I have. :/ JRP 04:42, 14 February 2007 (UTC)[reply]

According to this article, he was still only a Commander when he took the USS Hancock to the Virgin Islands. Hope that helps a bit. --Petercorless 05:02, 14 February 2007 (UTC)[reply]

Also, in post military service, apparently he went on to become "an instructor at Cranbrook Institute in Bloomfield Hills, Mich". Thought that might be a nice end note, if you can find something other than an ABE books search reference. --Petercorless 05:07, 14 February 2007 (UTC)[reply]

Yes. The stuff around his three main accomplishments are fairly unambiguous: USVI, USS George Washington, and American Samoa. He's in the history books, as it were, and there's plenty of data about those things. The rest is primarily from newspapers. I don't believe there are gaps, but it means that I don't have things like promotion dates and the like and "early years" history is somewhat difficult to come by. My comment was that the military provided less data about ship assignments and stuff to the press during the war, so the data I have for that comes from the reports after the war of what he did. And BTW, I've purchased that book about the USNO to flesh out that section. I'll keep researching. JRP 05:22, 14 February 2007 (UTC)[reply]

Awesome! --Petercorless 06:03, 14 February 2007 (UTC)[reply]

As requested by two reviewers, I've researched a bit of material for after his retirement. I wasn't able to find anything on what he did before he went into the Navy, unfortunately. Perhaps nothing was notable. How does this look now? JRP 02:47, 23 February 2007 (UTC)[reply]

Well, he went into the Navy straight out of the Academy, so there wouldn't really be anything to note unless he did something significant while in school (which is very rare). I think it's fine now. Kirill Lokshin 02:56, 23 February 2007 (UTC)[reply]