Talk:Mars, Bars

GA Review

This review is transcluded from Talk:Mars, Bars/GA1. The edit link for this section can be used to add comments to the review.

Reviewer: Miyagawa (talk · contribs) 19:14, 24 January 2016 (UTC)

Grabbing this for a review. Miyagawa (talk) 19:14, 24 January 2016 (UTC)

• In the second paragraph of the lead, you've got the names of the actors in brackets - but you've left out Veronica and Keith. Continue to leave out the actor for Cyrus as he isn't in the episode.
• "Veronica releases Mason, and Logan, Mac, Bronson, and Parker are taking part in a Valentine’s Day scavenger hunt." - I'd change "and Logan, Mac..." to "while Logan, Mac..." as it initially reads that Veronica is releasing a number of people.
• Can you think up a way to tighten up "marking Klemmer's fourteenth writing credit for the series,[1] Enbom's fifteenth writing credit for the show,[2] and Voci's second and final writing credit (after "Postgame Mortem")." as right now there's a lot of repetition of "writing credit". I wonder if something along the lines of "marking Klemmer's fourteenth writing credit for the series, along with Enbom's fifteenth and Voci's second. It was also Voci's final writing credit, his previous working being "Postgame Mortem"." It isn't any sorted, and it repeats Voci still, but only one repetition rather than two. But if you can think of a way to avoid any repetition then that'd be even better!
• The citations after "following her romance with Beaver (Kyle Gallner)." need to be flipped round so that they're in numerical order.
• The citation following "the surprise was the best part" should be moved to the end of the sentence after the full stop.
• "a decrease in 100,000 viewers" - should be "a decrease of 100,000 viewers".
• "Eric Goldman, writing for IGN, gave the episode an 8.8 out of 10, indicating that it was "great"." - needs to have an immediate cite because of the quote.
• "it's just a huge relief to see Logan in a different light and interacting with different people, finally." - also needs an immediate cite.
• "it's episodes like these last two that remind me of what this show looks like when it's really cooking." - same again
• "knowing that the show is almost finished limits its impact." same

@Johanna: That's the lot. A good article that I'll be happy to promote. Miyagawa (talk) 19:36, 24 January 2016 (UTC)

@Miyagawa: Thanks so much for the review! I have fixed everything you suggested in one edit to the page so you can easily view it in the article history. Let me know whether there's anything else I can do. Johanna^{(talk to me!)} 21:00, 24 January 2016 (UTC)

@Johanna: Great work, happy to promote! Miyagawa (talk) 21:08, 24 January 2016 (UTC)

Huh?

I find this article utterly confusing. The entire plot summary is written in-universe and as someone that's not watched the show, it's utterly indecipherable. But even if I did know who these people were and how they are related, I'm still not sure I would understand it. For instance...

"Veronica gets questioned"

... IS questioned...

"by Sheriff Lamb (Michael Muhney) about the whereabouts of Josh without any knowledge gained, as she didn’t do it."

Didn't do what? The only mention of Josh is that he is missing, and thats in the lede (which is bad). So that "it" could be practically anything. Does Lamb think Josh is dead? And whatever "it" is, why would anyone think she did it?

"Lamb will keep her in prison for as long as he can"

On what pretext?

"leading to him calling in Mindy to his office"

For what?

"meaning that the murder took place an hour later than initially thought"

Because they filmed it or something? I'm trying to understand what this has to do with anything. In any event, the rest of the article provides no clue why this missing hour is in any way cogent.

"Veronica gives Josh his new idea"

Which is... what?

"and he gets into his safe-deposit box"

That's either a very large box or a very small person.

"Keith talks to the wife"

Who is "the wife"?

"Josh flees the country until the insurance money is guaranteed"

How does fleeing guarantee insurance money? Or did he flee for some entirely different, and unmentioned, reason?

"She shows Keith the tape"

Who shows Keith what tape? Do you mean Veronica shows Keith the DVD? Or is this some other tape?

"Keith calls the office and finds that Sheriff Lamb has indeed died."

Indeed died? Had they had some inkling of this that this confirmed? And which office does he call? The police station?

Maury Markowitz (talk) 19:36, 17 February 2016 (UTC)

@Maury Markowitz: Sorry about that. It's my plot summary (I recreated the whole article) and I take full responsibility for its overall lack of quality. I have fixed your suggestions [1]. Let me know if there's anything else I can do. As for the in-universe thing, I'm not sure how to change that, as a plot summary is pretty much in-universe by definition. Johanna^{(talk to me!)} 00:10, 18 February 2016 (UTC)

I see some improvement. But much of the text still assumes the reader has a knowledge of the events that occurred in previous episodes, and knows who all the characters are. That's what "in universe" refers to, the use of language only understood within the context of the program. I am going to correct the issues I can, so check my work if you can? Maury Markowitz (talk) 19:08, 19 February 2016 (UTC)