User talk:Gabby223
| This user is a student editor in Vanderbilt_University/Human_Rights_of_Indigenous_Peoples_(fall_2020) . |
Welcome!
[edit]Hello, Gabby223, and welcome to Wikipedia! My name is Ian and I work with Wiki Education; I help support students who are editing as part of a class assignment.
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If you have any questions, please don't hesitate to contact me on my talk page. Ian (Wiki Ed) (talk) 17:24, 9 September 2020 (UTC)
Peer Review for "Colonial Disease in Hawai'i" Article
[edit]Hi Gabby, I thoroughly enjoyed your article, and found it to be very strong in its coverage of a topic that does not yet exist on Wikipedia! Here are some examples of what I think this article accomplishes very well:
- The information covers both the breadth and depth of the topic. I found it to be very strong how you started off with colonial encounters in the 1700s, and related that to the present, with how Native Hawaiians are impacted by a more modern disease, COVID-19. Even in this large continuum of time, the information is thorough and coherently covers the topic at hand.
- I also thought it was really neat how you tied in the concept of colonial diseases as the driving force for the way Hawai'i is structured the way that it is today, with the Leper Colonies providing the proper conditions so that the U.S. government could invade and colonize the islands.
- Additionally, I find that the article is very well-organized, with the first section being the impacts of Native Hawaiians initial encounters with colonists, then moving on to the 1800s, and then demonstrating how all these factors have impacted the islands in the modern world. The sections provide discrete chunks of information that work cohesively together.
- Additionally, you have very strong sources and use those sources accurately, making sure to cite all statements of fact. Overall, you have written a very coherent and strong article!
Here are some examples of how I think this article could be made even stronger:
- I think the largest area for improvement is removing all instances of bias/partiality. I understand how it seems objective how colonists have affected Native Hawaiians in a depressing, awful manner, but Wikipedia is a neutral encyclopedia. There are a few instances where the diction utilized elicits a hint of bias, such as "most famously..." and "unfortunately, the initial horrors."
- Make sure to remove all instances of first-person point of view. You used the pronoun "we" two times under the First Diseases section. This goes with the idea of making sure your article is entirely neutral, as "we" makes the article appear subjective and personal. For more information regarding pronoun use, see this Wikipedia Manual.
- Additionally, I think the Lead section could be made just a little stronger. As the introductory sentence is the most important sentence, it is important to ensure that it concisely defines the topic to be discussed. At current, the introduction states "Colonial disease in Hawai‘i has been an issue in the Hawaiian islands for hundreds of years." This is a little redundant, as you state "in Hawai'i" and then again state "in the Hawaiian Islands." I would rewrite it to be a little more concise and more accurately introduce the topic. Additionally, the Lead does not entirely cover the more modern aspects of the article, so I would add a sentence at the end of the lead that better introduces the Modern Diseases section.
Overall, this article is very strong, and I found it to be an easy, informative read. Well done! Peterpietri (talk) 22:12, 25 October 2020 (UTC)