User talk:NoahMcGoff/sandbox
First Draft: Allie Curtis (Axial Skeleton Sub-heading)
[edit]Content
[edit]- When you mention the synsacrum region being similar to the sacrum in mammals, I feel like it could be beneficial to provide an example of how the synsacrum is similar to the sacrum in humans for example.
- I really enjoy the diagram of the pelvic girdle of a bird and think it pairs well with the content mentioned in the vertebral column section. I am wondering however, if it is possible to either find an additional figure or label on an existing one, the different vertebrae associated with the 5 sections of the vertebral column in a general bird.
- The edits/additions provided are easy to read and hit the sweet spot for providing the right amount of detail without being too broad or providing too much detail.
Structure
[edit]- When describing the five sections of vertebrae in the vertebral column, I noticed that you sometimes mention the body region of the vertebrae in parentheses before the colon and sometimes after the colon. For example, you mention “Pygostyle (tail): this region is…” but also mention” Cervical (11-25): (neck)”. I think that keeping the formatting the same for each of the 5 sections of vertebrae would make the structure of this section easier to read. For the cervical region specifically, I think it would read better if you said “Cervical (neck): vertebrae 11-25”.
- The general structure of your edits/additions are very easy to follow and making the information appealing to read.
- The 3 citations provided in the text are legit sources and properly cited, however I might create a Literature Cited section within your first draft section to make even easier to follow.
- There does not appear to be any plagiarism.
-All the links to other pages within the text also appear to be relevant and properly done.
Copyedits
[edit]- When talking about “The chest consists of the furcula…”, this sentence sounds like a run-on sentence to me. I feel like this could be fixed if a period replaces the semicolon following “…form the pectoral girdle;…”. Since you provide a picture of the pelvic girdle in the vertebral column section, I’m wondering if it would also be beneficial to provide a diagram of the chest girdle since it is mentioned in your draft. This could be a potential addition for next draft.
- Overall, most of my recommendation are grammar error and shouldn’t be too difficult to fix. Wonderful job! NoahMcGoff (talk) 06:38, 8 April 2021 (UTC)
First Draft: Janet Chen (adding a syrinx subsection in the communication section)
[edit]Copyedits
[edit]- The first part of the first sentence is confusing to read and I feel like is missing a word or punctuation, however, I have not been able to figure out what it is missing. The part that reads weird is “Unlike other vertebrate birds have both a larynx and pharynx, with the syrinx being exclusive to birds”. I feel like there should be a comma after “vertebrate birds…”, but also feel like another word is missing after the comma.
- In the second sentence beginning with “Birds use the syrinx…”, I feel like “rather than” could be replaced with “instead of” to flow better. In addition, if you mention that the larynx isn’t used for sound production in birds, I feel like it would be beneficial to mention in which animals the larynx has been used for creating sounds.
Content
[edit]- In the second paragraph of the “Syrinx” section, you include the sentence “The syrinx's lower placement in the trachea requires a bigger phonation threshold…” which should have a citation because it doesn’t sound like you got this knowledge from another source.
- After the first sentence of the third paragraph of the “Syrinx” section I believe a citation is needed. The flow of this sentence is also odd, and I think it has to do with the end of the sentence that reads “...the larynx in different trachea length”. I’m not really sure what is trying to be said in regard to trachea length. Maybe adding an “s” on “length” would suffice.
- In the second sentence of the third paragraph, you use the term “loudness” which I think could be replaced by a word like “volume” or even “intensity”. The term ‘loudness’ just sounds odd to read. - The citations lead to a proper reference, but I think it could be beneficial to try and find another resource or two to help add to this section in the future.
Structure
[edit]- The structure of your “Syrinx” section was really easy to follow and nicely laid out for the reader. I think the figures are good additions but I would consider linking to them or mentioning them in parentheses in the text when the trachea, larynx, and syrinx are first mentioned so that the reader can use the figures to better understand the ideas you are presenting in the text.
- Overall, most of the fixes I recommend are grammatical and deal with sentence structure, but I think you did a wonderful job on creating this new section and I believe it will really improve the bird anatomy page. NoahMcGoff (talk) 06:38, 8 April 2021 (UTC)