Wikipedia:Peer review/2009 Alabama Crimson Tide football team/archive1

2009 Alabama Crimson Tide football team

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I've listed this article for peer review because I have been working on it for the past month to try to get it to GA and ultimately FA status. I have looked at it long enough now and need a fresh set of eyes to go through it before nominating it. I know its a longer article, but any feedback (especially with the prose) will be greatly appreciated.

Thanks, Patriarca12 (talk) 02:37, 2 November 2010 (UTC)[reply]

Ruhrfisch comments: Sorry this has taken me so long. I think this looks pretty good and will make some fairly nitpicky suggestions for improvement. I think it is pretty close to GA, but needs some more work before it would pass at FAC.

Lead I think I might say they were undefeated and National Champions in the first paragraph of the lead - it is a pretty big deal, and details can be in the later paragraphs of the lead.
I would add "The Tide" to the alternate names given in the lead
MOS says to use numbers if greater than 10, so fix It was the Crimson Tide's 77th season as a member of the Southeastern Conference (SEC) and its eighteenth within the framework of the SEC Western Division. (i.e. 18th)
I think I would add "coach" before Nick Saban in The team was led by Nick Saban...
Is there any sort of free team picture that could be used in the infobox? I know there are some later in the article, but am not sure if any of those should be moved up.
The article seems to use a fair number of verb + ing constructions - this would be a problem at WP:FAC as several reviewers there do not see this as the best prose. So for example In the BCS National Championship Game, the Crimson Tide defeated the Longhorns 37–21 in capturing their first ever BCS Championship. the phrase "in capturing" could be replaced with "to capture" or perhaps "and captured"
I would at least link LSU in the lead (first mention) and would probably spell it out instead, so "Louisiana State University (LSU}"
FAC requires proefessional quality English, but I think this needs a copyedit first (GAN is more tolerant of decent prose that is not brilliant). So The season marked the first time a player for Alabama won the Heisman Trophy. Mark Ingram won the award, edging out Stanford running back Toby Gerhart. Other award winners included Rolando McClain winning both the Butkus Award and the Jack Lambert Award and defensive coordinator Kirby Smart winning the Broyles Award as the nations top assistant coach. could be polished and tightened to something like this The season marked the first time an Alabama player won the Heisman Trophy, as running back (RB) Mark Ingram edged out Stanford RB Toby Gerhart. Linebacker Rolando McClain won both the Butkus and the Jack Lambert Awards, and defensive coordinator Kirby Smart won the Broyles Award as the nations top assistant coach. (avoided three verb + ing constructions here)
Before the season is there any better name for this section? Background and preseason?
Awkward sentence However, the Tide went on to lose their final two games to the Florida Gators 31–20 in the SEC Championship Game, and to the Utah Utes 31–17 in the 2009 Sugar Bowl to finish 12–2.[2] makes it sound like they played the Gators twice in the last two games. Could the word "postseason" be used here? Maybe something like However, the Tide went on to lose their final two games to end the seasons 12–2. They lost the SEC Championship Game against the Florida Gators (31–20), followed by the 2009 Sugar Bowl against the Utah Utes (31–17).[2] Not perfect, but maybe it helps ge the idea across
I was confused by these sentences: Alabama reached No. 1 in both the AP and Coaches' Polls for the first time since the final polls in 1992 and during the regular season for the first time since 1980.[3][4] The Tide also reached No. 1 in the BCS rankings for the first time in school history.[4] I think it would help to give the week(s) they were ranked No. 1, and also to add what their end of season ranking was.
I also notice the article uses both No. 1 and #1 - should probably pick one and be consistent
Missing word? On June 11, 2009, the NCAA Committee on Infractions sanctioned Alabama for "major violations" stemming [from?] textbook-related abuses involving 16 of 19 sports, including football.[11][12] Also not sure what textbook related abuses are - can a note or link be added?
Might want to note in Returning starters that two players were on both the Special teams and another (as 12 returned, but 14 are listed)
I think all of the abbreviations (RB QB LB etc) in Recruiting class need to be defined first
Schedule - it would help to say when the Sagarin and Cosgrove computer programs determined Alabama had the toughest schedule for the season - was it after the season ended? Before it began? See WP:PCR
I think the MOS would refer to Coach Nick Saban as just "Saban" in the text, after his full name is introduced - the article seems to use "Nick Saban" every time.
Captions are Ok to use the full name, but this could be tightened ~~Head coach~~ Nick Saban entered his third year as Bama's head coach for the 2009 season. or just "The 2009 season was head coach Nick Saban's third at Bama."
Introduce team nicknmaes in the text - After defeating Clemson in the inaugural Chick-fil-A College Kickoff, Alabama announced in December 2008 they would return for the 2009 edition against the Virginia Tech Hoikies.[27]
In the Hokies game "negating the lone scoring opportunity for either team in a third quarter" is used, when I believe "in the third quarter" is meant - the first would mean neither time scored in a third quarter this season, the latter that neither team scored in the third quarter of this game.
I owuld make sure that some things only in the boxes or captions are also in the text. For example, Alabama started the season ranked #5, but this is not clearly in the text that I could see, just in the box for the Virginia Tech game and much later in the table of rankings. I do not think every game needs to say their rank, but surely thie first game, and each game where their rank changed from the previous week should mention the fact? I also see there is both a photo and sound clip of their visit to the WHite House, but no mention of this in the text.
Overall I think this article has all the details needed, and sources look good for the most part (but see below please). I am guessing it would pass GAN with some cleanup required (never know what the reviewer might want fixed), but the language would be a problem at FAC. A copyedit would be very useful - see WP:GOCE for possible help.
The little infoboxes for each game are uncited or at least it was not clear to me what the ref was for each. WHile it is not likely to be challenged that Brent Musberger did play by play, attendance figures and the like require a ref.
Please make sure that the existing text includes no copyright violations, plagiarism, or close paraphrasing. For more information on this please see Wikipedia:Wikipedia_Signpost/2009-04-13/Dispatches for more details

Hope this helps. If my comments are useful, please consider peer reviewing an article, especially one at Wikipedia:Peer review/backlog (which is how I found this article). I do not watch peer reviews, so if you have questions or comments, please contact me on my talk page. Yours, Ruhrfisch _><>°^° 05:38, 22 November 2010 (UTC)[reply]

Thanks for taking the time to look the article over Ruhrfisch! I will take the time to address them over the next few days/weeks and look for a future copyedit to bring it more up to par. Very helpful comments! Thanks again! Patriarca12 (talk) 16:17, 23 November 2010 (UTC)[reply]