Wikipedia:Peer review/Alboin/archive1

Alboin

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I've listed this article for peer review because I wanted assistance to bring this biography to at least A-class status, and once obtained that eventually try making it a FA. I would especially appreciate suggestions concerning the prose, but in general I need indications wherever possible; the referencing and the accuracy should be OK, but also there other views would be of great help.

Thanks in advance, Aldux (talk) 20:59, 28 January 2010 (UTC)[reply]

Crimsonfox's Comments

Images need descriptive alt text. See WP:Alt if you need help.
Add a clear template at the end of Aftermath, the notes section is hanging well over the picture
"His Father's Rule" - Shouldn't refer to article, remove "His" (Section Headings)
"Albion's Death" - As above - Remove "Albion's" (Section Headings)
A heading should not start with "The" eg The March and The Skull Cap (Section Headings)
Approximate birth date should be included after his name in the lead (Birth and Death)
The use of "i.e." throughout the article I'm not sure about. In some cases it isn't needed and can be in the sentence. The other occurrences where is explaining a word I'm not sure about, someone else will have to help on that one.
Foreign terms appear fairly frequently, some like "milites limitanei" and "magister militum" aren't explained. Are their English alternatives to use? If not, explain them. Something like "possessores (wealthy)" should just have the English version as it isn't specific title unlike, magister.

*Lead

"wile in the second opened the door" -> while?

*Fathers Rule

"The Franks' alliance was important exactly" -> Don't need "exactly"
"killing in a decisive battle Thurismund," -> Doesn't have very good flow possibly - "killing Thurismund in a decisive battle"

*Reign in Pannonia

"Placed in dire constraints and faced with the danger of annihilation, Alboin made in 566 an alliance " - Remove "dire" and change the last bit "made an alliance in 566 with"
"half of the war booty " - Is "booty" an appropriate term?
"with their king slained by Alboin" - Slain?

* Departure from Pannonia

"they had not increased much their power " -> "they had not increased their power much" - There's a lot of wording like this through the article, I won't mention anymore but I suggest you get someone to look through and fix the wording.

"parly absorbed by the Lombards" - Partly?

There's a lot to go through, it's a big article so I apologise if I missed somethings. Overall the article needs someone to go through and check wording to tidy it up. Hope this helps. CrimsonFox ^talk 14:25, 29 January 2010 (UTC)[reply]

Answer Thanks for the help, Crimson :-) I've followed your advice, but I can't remove te Latin words, as I can't twist to much, but I've tried to give everywhere possible a sort of English equivalent, and first giving English except that in a very few cases that are pretty specific, but I tried to give a meaning there to. Ciao,--Aldux (talk) 00:37, 30 January 2010 (UTC)[reply]