Wikipedia:Peer review/Andrew Bynum/archive1

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A script has been used to generate a semi-automated review of the article for issues relating to grammar and house style; it can be found on the automated peer review page for September 2008.

This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've listed this article for peer review because I want to nominate it to good article status.

I've got no idea what's expected for sportsperson GAs these days (there was a discussion at WT:GAN recently, I think), but just make sure you have as much info about, well, everything (personal life, playing career, etc....) as possible. Like that helps...
The lead probably needs expansion. Check out some examples at WP:GA#Basketball.

Can his nickname be placed anywhere in the infobox? (ie. is there a field for it?)

"As a senior, he averaged 22 points, 16 rebounds, and 5 blocks per game." - jargon.... what do these things mean? (wlinks work best here, if possible)

"than current Indiana Pacers player Jermaine O'Neal when he was drafted in 1996" - is this a record, or significant in any way?

"During the game, he missed his two field goal attempts but had two rebounds and two blocked shots - he made two blocks, or two of his shots were blocked?

"especially on both the offensive and defensive ends" - that's both ends... you can't say "especially on the entire field".

"Especially on the entire field" sounds confusing —Chris! _ct 19:48, 23 September 2008 (UTC)[reply]

"Basketball instructional coach Pete Newell" - could you just say "Coach Pete Newell"?

"rumors about his return was put to rest" - if rumours is plural then was should be (were)

"In the 2005 NBA Draft, Andrew Bynum was selected 10th overall by the Los Angeles Lakers. At 17 years, 8 months, and 2 days, Bynum was 12 days younger than former Indiana Pacers player Jermaine O'Neal, the previous youngest player to play an NBA game." -- Do you mean to say drafted or play a game?
"This record will likely last for the foreseeable future, as the new collective bargaining agreement between NBA owners and the NBA Players Association requires players entering the draft to be at least one year removed from the graduation of their high school class and reach age 19 no later than December 31 of the calendar year of the draft." -- I know this is sourced but it cuts close to c-ball-gazing. As long as the feat is framed in the present tense it already demonstrates that the record has existed between then and now and continues to do so.
The whole narration of the technical fouls received by Shaq and Bynum seems undue. Almost every technical foul would be memorable then and worthy of mention.
He may not have had a meaningful playoffs career but some mention is warranted.
Overall, the structure and sources are fine but as pointed out above the lead seems weak and that's related to (or caused by) another point: the body is patchy and needs a more encyclopedic feel and tone to it. Chensiyuan (talk) 01:33, 24 September 2008 (UTC)[reply]