Wikipedia:Peer review/Ariel (The Little Mermaid)/archive1
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This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've been working on this article a lot recently with the intention of getting it to Good Article status. I'd like some input from others as to what more needs to be done to get it there.
Thanks, GroovySandwich 06:54, 24 July 2011 (UTC)
Comments from Malleus Fatuorum You've brought together an impressive amount of material in this character, and I see no reason why you shouldn't be able to get this through GAN after a bit of tidying up. I'll comment section by section as I read through over the next day or so:
- Lead
- "Ariel is voiced by Jodi Benson in all the above animated material and merchandise". You should try to avoid, whenever possible, referring to other material by its position in the text, as you have no control over that.
- "She is the fourth official Disney Princess and the only Disney Princess to become a mother." Why "official"? as opposed to "unofficial"?
- "In the context of the films and television series, Ariel is the youngest daughter of King Triton and Queen Athena." What other context is there for this fictional character?
- "She marries Prince Eric and they have a daughter, Melody." Prince Eric is introduced rather abruptly here. I think you need to say just a little about Eric, perhaps something like "She marries Prince Eric, whom she had saved from drowning, and together they have a daughter, Melody".
- "... some reviewers such as Time criticize her for being too devoted to being with her man whereas other reviewers, such as Empire, praise the character for her personality and for being more modern than previous Disney Princesses." You've got three "being"s in that sentence, which is two too many. Also, Time isn't a reviewer, it's a publication
- Development
- "Co-director Ron Clements stated that Benson's voice had 'sweetness' and 'youthfulness' ...". Already introduced Clements as the co-director in the immediately preceding paragraph.
- "... Benson asked that the lights in the studio be dimmed, so to create the feeling of being deep under the sea."
- "... which is referred to by Disney crew as the 'I Want' song ...". Who is Disney Crew?
- "[The song] was originally going to be cut from the final film, due to the claim that it slowed the story down ...". That reads rather oddly. Who made the claim? Who is Howard Ashman, who fought to retain it in the film?
- "It [Ariel's appearance] was also based on actress Alyssa Milano, who was 16 at the time, and female model Sherri Stoner". Is it really necessary to say that she was a female?
- "In an interview, Jodi Benson stated that for Ariel's Beginning, the writers revised the script multiple times to make sure Ariel retained her relevance in a more modern context." What is this "more modern context"?
- Characteristics
- "Ariel is the youngest daughter of King Triton and Queen Athena". What kingdom do they rule over?
- "She is often seen in the company of Flounder, her best friend, and Sebastian, her father's advisor and her caretaker". Caretaker is almost certainly the wrong word here.
- "... Ariel has a fascination with the human world and often goes off to find human artifacts that she would display in a secret grotto." Awkward tense clash there between "goes off" and "would display".
- "The filmmakers described her as being a typical teenager ...". I'm not sure that "filmmaker" is a proper word is it? And is it really necessary to wikilink "teenager"?
- "Ariel is protective of her daughter, as Triton was of her in the first film, as seen after Morgana threatens Melody, Ariel refuses to let Melody in the ocean." That sentence is rather confused, needs a bit of clarification.
- "Ariel's Beginning depicts her similar to the original film ...". Depicts her similar what?
- "Ariel retains her rebellious personality from the first film". Judging by the context that should be "regains", not "retains".
- The Little Mermaid
- "Unbeknownst to Ariel, this agreement is part of Ursula's bigger plan". "Unbeknownst" is rather archaic.
- "Ariel almost manages to win the agreement by getting the 'kiss of true love', but is stopped by Ursula's underhanded tactics". What agreement?
- "After learning from Scuttle that the woman is Ursula in disguise ...". Who is Scuttle?
- "Triton trades himself for Ariel, enabling Ursula to claim the trident". What trident?
- "At the end of the film, Ariel is permanently transformed into a human by King Triton's magical trident and she leaves to live with Eric". It wasn't exactly permanent, as she re-adopted her mermaid form in The Little Mermaid II.
- Television series
- "The series, set an unspecified time before the first film, depicts Ariel's adventures as a mermaid living under the sea with her father, Sebastian and Flounder." What happened to her mother?
The Little Mermaid II: Return to the Sea
- "The wall separating the kingdom from the sea is torn down and humans and merfolk are allowed to coexist". The opening paragraph said that the wall separated Eric's castle from the sea, not his kingdom.
- At what point in this film does Ariel resume her human form? Presumably at the end, after King Triton regains his trident? How did she manage to resume her mermaid form? Was that also the trident's doing?
The Little Mermaid: Ariel's Beginning
- "In The Little Mermaid: Ariel's Beginning (2008), an opening prologue shows Ariel as a five-year-old young mermaid". All prologues appear at the opening, otherwise they'd be epilogues.
- "Ariel breaks the band out of prison and runs away with them." You need to say that were put into prison before it makes sense to talk about their jailbreak. Also need to say a bit more about Sebastian's role in this affair. Was it his club or his band that Ariel sang with? At the start of the article we were told that he was Ariel's caretaker, but now we're told that it was Marina.
- "... they are caught thanks to Marina, their caretaker". Same as the point above. Although the word has a specific social services meaning it's generally applied only to those who look after places or things, not people.
- In other media
- "The character of Ariel for the stage adaptation was originated by Sierra Boggess, and later by Chelsea Morgan Stock". By definition, only one of them could have originated it.
- "The character of Ariel for the stage adaptation was originated by Sierra Boggess, and later by Chelsea Morgan Stock who previously played Andrina as one of her sisters and by famous broadway actress Michelle Lookadoo who previously played Adella, another of her sisters." You need to break this sentence up into comprehensible chunks; it goes on and on and on ...
- "Ariel makes regular appearances in the Walt Disney Parks and Resorts, having a special location called Ariel's Grotto at most of them, but has since been torn down at Walt Disney World's Magic Kingdom." Why "since"? Since when? What's been torn down, her regular appearances?