Wikipedia:Peer review/Baldwin of Exeter/archive1
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I've listed this article for peer review because I would like to take it to FAC at some point, and would welcome suggestions on how to improve the prose, and how to make it more understandable for the non-medievalist.
Thanks, Ealdgyth - Talk 17:09, 20 May 2008 (UTC)
Ruhrfisch comments: Interesting and detailed article - seems to be fairly close to FA, although it needs some polish. Here are my suggestions for improvement:
- Article needs an image in the upper right corner
- Would it make sense to put these in chronological order: After becoming a Cistercian monk, he was named abbot of his monastery before being elected to the episcopate at Worcester. Before becoming a bishop, he wrote theological works and sermons, some of which survive. to something like After becoming a Cistercian monk, he wrote theological works and sermons, some of which survive, and was named abbot of his monastery. In 1180 he was elected to the episcopate at Worcester.
- I know it already says in the first lead paragraph he was Archbishop of Canterbury, but in the second paragraph would it make it clearer to add Canterbury? ..and the king insisted that Baldwin become archbishop [of Canterbury]?
- Add in England for clarity here - His dispute with his clergy [in England] led some chroniclers to characterize him as worse for Christianity than Saladin. I thought when reading the lead it meant disputes in the Kingdom of Jerusalem?
- Awkward - ...and a woman whose name is unknown; his mother, however, later became a nun.
- Would It is possible he studied at Bologna in the 1150s with the future Pope Urban III.[2][3] or even He possibly studied at Bologna in the 1150s with the future Pope Urban III.[2][3] read better?
- His is unclear in He attracted the attention of Bartholomew Iscanus, Bishop of Exeter who made him archdeacon at Totnes about 1161,[5] after his father's death.[1] (assume Bladwin's father is meant)
- Watch out for short choppy sentences - can they be combined with others or expanded? For example He was well known as a canonist.[8] could be combined with the following sentence (perhaps)
- The section on his being Bishop of Worcester is only one paragraph - could it be expanded or combined with Early Life?
- How about Although Walter Map said that Baldwin was determined to continue writing even after his election to the bishopric, only one of his sermons can be dated to his time as bishop.[1]
- Provide context - perhaps The monks had put forth three candidates from within [the cathedral's] Christ Church Priory ... See WP:PCR
- I also think there needs to be more background on the Christ Church Priory - where was it, what did it do, what was its connection to Canterbury Cathedral, etc.
- Don't need both "After that" and "then" in After that, Baldwin then proposed ...
- Whose plan - Roger's or Baldwin's in His plan for financing the church involved soliciting contributions from donors...
- Why King Henry in the header but only Richard?
- Is "the infamous Case of Evesham.[24]" the whole deal with Prince John?
- Under RIchard could be split into two paragrapsh, same for first paragraph of On the Third Crusade.
- I would add the year of his death, as well as the place. Where was he buried? Does his tomb survive?
- My guess is as Archbishop of Canterbury under Richard I, Baldwin has probably been portrayed in novels and films - this should be mentioned if so.
- Needs a general copyedit - I read for comprehension, but saw places that needed commas, a missing space, and general polish
- Since Oxford Dictionary of National Biography is a subscriber service, shouldn't the ref indicate this in some way?
Hope this helps. If my comments are useful, please consider peer reviewing an article, especially one at Wikipedia:Peer review/backlog (which is how I found this article). Yours, Ruhrfisch ><>°° 14:56, 26 May 2008 (UTC)