Wikipedia:Peer review/Benet Academy/archive1

Benet Academy

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This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've listed this article for peer review because I would like to improve it to GA standards. I specifically need info on whether there are any gaps I need to fill in, but other comments are, of course, welcome.

Thanks, Benny the mascot (talk) 23:53, 6 February 2010 (UTC)[reply]

Also, I suppose some tips on getting it to FA status would be nice. Benny the mascot (talk) 02:00, 7 February 2010 (UTC)[reply]

Another question that came up on the talk page: does this website violate WP:EL, or may I display the link as a "window" into student culture at Benet? Thanks in advance! Benny the mascot (talk) 02:24, 10 February 2010 (UTC)[reply]

The site appears to be a personal blog and therefore would be one of the no-nos (#11) listed at WP:ELNO. Finetooth (talk) 22:21, 14 February 2010 (UTC)[reply]

Thanks for your response, and thanks in advance for reviewing! Benny the mascot (talk) 00:00, 15 February 2010 (UTC)[reply]

I've started to fix the problems you've pointed out through your edits. Let me know if you foresee any potential conflicts. Benny the mascot (talk) 18:12, 15 February 2010 (UTC)[reply]

Finetooth comments: A lot work has gone into this article, which seems comprehensive to an outsider. I found and fixed quite a few minor things, most of them related to punctuation (en dashes, apostrophes) or other Manual of Style issues. Generally the article is good, and I was happy to see that the article was well-sourced and the reference section well-done. I have suggestions for improvement, but they deal mainly with things that will not be difficult to fix.

Lead

Since the lead is to be a summary of the whole article, I'd suggest adding a brief mention of the performing arts and perhaps of the notable alumni.
"The school would continue to grow over the next few decades, and nearby Benedictine nuns would construct the all-girls Sacred Heart Academy in 1926." - Rather than "would continue" and "would construct", I'd use straight past tense, "continued" and "constructed".

Done Benny the mascot (talk) 20:19, 15 February 2010 (UTC)[reply]

I might split the big first paragraph in two, starting the second paragraph with "The school continued to grow over the next few decades... ". Breaking it up might prevent reader fatigue, and an article this long can accommodate a lead of four paragraphs.

Done Benny the mascot (talk) 20:19, 15 February 2010 (UTC)[reply]

Benedictine operations begin in Chicago

Short telegraphic heads are usually preferred to long ones. This and the next two might be better as "Chicago", "Move to Lisle" and "Progress".

Done Benny the mascot (talk) 20:41, 15 February 2010 (UTC)[reply]

Progress in Lisle

"The commercial program would later be dropped in 1915... " - Tighten to "The commercial program was dropped in 1915... "?

Done Benny the mascot (talk) 21:42, 15 February 2010 (UTC)[reply]

"The Benedictines threatened to close the boys' school, but abbot and St. Procopius alumnus from the Class of 1941 Rev. Daniel W. Kucera convinced them not to." - Too many adjectives in front of Kucera. Suggestion: "The Benedictines threatened to close the boys' school, but Abbot Daniel W. Kucera, a St. Procopius alumnus from the Class of 1941, dissuaded them."

Done Benny the mascot (talk) 21:42, 15 February 2010 (UTC)[reply]

Notable alumni

The Manual of Style suggests turning lists into straight prose where feasible. I think it would be possible to turn this alumni list into prose by combining the actors DeCarlo, Fay, and Murphy into a single paragraph with something in the first sentence that ties them together. This might take the form of "Actors who graduated from Benet Academy include X, who blah blah; Y, who something something, and Z, who stuff stuff stuff." Politicians could be combined in the same way to form a second paragraph, writers and journalists a third paragraph, and so on. To keep from having too many short paragraphs, you might need to combine singers and actors or something of the sort.

After the merger

"Physical education lockers are located one-half stories above ground level, and team lockers are located one-half stories below ground level, and a corridor links the new building to the older gym." - Unnecessary detail? I'd leave it out.

Done Benny the mascot (talk) 22:43, 15 February 2010 (UTC)[reply]

Demographics

"1,333 students were enrolled at the school for the 2009–2010 school year." - The Manual of Style advises against starting a sentence with digits. Suggestion: "For the 2009–2010 school year, 1,333 students were enrolled."

Done Benny the mascot (talk) 22:45, 16 February 2010 (UTC)[reply]

"despite having been ranked lower than 27 of her classmates who were waitlisted or denied admission" - I'm not sure that "waitlisted" is a real word. Perhaps "who were put on a waiting list"?

Done Benny the mascot (talk) 22:45, 16 February 2010 (UTC)[reply]

Sports

"The school sponsors teams for both men and women in basketball, cross country, golf, lacrosse, soccer, swimming and diving, tennis, track & field, and volleyball." - The word "and" is preferred to the ampersand unless the ampersand is part of an official name such as a company name.

Done Benny the mascot (talk) 04:01, 17 February 2010 (UTC)[reply]

"This tradition began in the late 1990's and temporarily ended after the 2006–07 season... " - Constructions like "1990s" don't need the apostrophe since the word is a plural rather than a possessive.

Done Benny the mascot (talk) 04:01, 17 February 2010 (UTC)[reply]

I'd suggest removing the Wikinews links from this section and the Christmas Drive section. These kinds of links belong in the External links section, where you have already placed a third link. That third one is the only one I'd keep.

Done Benny the mascot (talk) 04:01, 17 February 2010 (UTC)[reply]

"one of which is a student-led mass choir used for school liturgies" - Wikilink liturgies?

Done Benny the mascot (talk) 04:01, 17 February 2010 (UTC)[reply]

Images

I'd suggest moving the abbot down and to the right to avoid creating a text sandwich between the abbot and the infobox. It would also be better to have him looking into the page than out.
File:Maple-Yackley map.JPG overlaps two sections. The Manual of Style suggests keeping images confined to one section and avoiding section overlap. On my computer screen, the Sacred Heart Academy image also overlaps two sections
The St. Joseph Hall caption says "today". Better would be to give the specific year the photo was taken; i.e. "St. Joseph Hall in 2008".

Done Benny the mascot (talk) 23:06, 15 February 2010 (UTC)[reply]

References

The url in citation 68 is dead.

Done Benny the mascot (talk) 20:58, 21 February 2010 (UTC)[reply]

The date formatting in the citations should be consistent throughout. The existing article has a mix of three formats. For a U.S.-centric article you can use m-d-y, as in the main text sections, or yyyy-mm-dd but not both and not d-m-y. Since most of the dates seem to be m-d-y already, I'd suggest using this format throughout.

Done Benny the mascot (talk) 20:58, 21 February 2010 (UTC)[reply]

Even when a source uses all caps in a title, Wikipedia changes them to title case. For example, citation 31's "DUPAGE'S HELP SOUGHT FOR SCHOOL ARTS CENTER PLAN WOULD LET BENET BORROW $10 MILLION" should be converted to "Dupage's Help Sought for School Arts Center Plan Would Let Benet Borrow $10 Million".

Done Benny the mascot (talk) 04:54, 17 February 2010 (UTC)[reply]

The abbreviation for a single page is p. and for multiple pages it is pp.

Alt text

Rather than saying "black and white photograph" or "color photograph" in the alt text, I'd suggest (using the abbot as an example) something like "Elderly man with a beard, a hat, and a crucifix hanging from his neck is sitting on an ornate chair."

The alt text for maps should describe the content rather than the lines and colors on the map. For the satellite image, for example, I'd suggest something like "Two roads divide the Benet campus into four roughly equal quadrants. A satellite view shows buildings and athletic fields in three of the four quadrants and thick woods with few buildings in the southeast quadrant.

I added the alt parameter to the infobox and then added the alt text. Feel free to edit it as you like.

The three mug shots at the bottom of the article need alt text as does the little schoolhouse image. You can check your alt text and captions with the alt text tool at the top of this review page. WP:ALT has examples of alt text, and you can see current discussions of alt text going on at WP:FAC.

General

It's helpful to other editors to remove the parameters in the citation templates that you do not intend to use. For example, the first one (Proco history) in the main text has " | last = | first = | authorlink = | coauthors = " and several other blanks. The cumulative effect of these over the course of the article is that it makes it harder to work in edit mode because of the long interruptions between sentences of text.

Done Benny the mascot (talk) 04:54, 17 February 2010 (UTC)[reply]

I hope these suggestions prove helpful. If so, please consider reviewing another article, especially one from the PR backlog at WP:PR. That is where I found this one. Finetooth (talk) 18:50, 15 February 2010 (UTC)[reply]