Wikipedia:Peer review/Born This Way (song)/archive1

Born This Way (song)

This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've listed this article for peer review because I recently expanded it for GA and future FA, and would like to know from a different perspective, how the article fares before I take it to the next level. Things I'm looking most to are the prose structure and the commentary. So anyone not remotely associated with the article, please join on board.

Thanks, — Legolas ^(talk2me) 04:51, 1 May 2011 (UTC)

Review from — Lil_℧niquℇ №1 ^[talk] (in-progress)

Infobox

• No issues

Introduction

Background

Artwork and release

Composition

Remixes

Critical reception

Chart performance

• debuted at the number one position → debuted at number one? (more succinct)
• The song became the 1000th number one single in the chart's history, and the nineteenth song to debut at number one. It was also Gaga's third number one single → suggestion as well as becoming Gaga's third number one single, "Born This Way" becam the nineteenth song to debut at number one on the Hot 100, and the 1000th number one single in the chart's history.
• The song sold 448,000 digital downloads in three days, the most downloads in a first week by a female artist. The record was previously held by Britney Spears' "Hold It Against Me".[56] → "the most downloads in a first week by a female artist, beating the previous record held by Britney Spears' "Hold It Against Me"."
• Three sentences start with "the song" change to some other form as it gets boring.
• thus tying her with Pink and Rihanna → for what?
• "Born This Way" took the number one position in its debut week also in Canada, by topping the Canadian Hot 100. Since then, "Born This Way" have been atop of the chart for seven weeks, to date. → singles take the top of the charts do they? How bout... "in Canada, the single debuted at number one in its opening week and as of [date], has been at number one for seven weeks."

Music video

• The video → The music video
• and was described to be a "profound, so inspiring and so incredibly beautiful" music video. → who described it? how bout changing to and was described by ABC as an "inspiring and so incredibly beautiful" video.
• The music video took more than four days to shoot in New York → how bout adding this information to the first sentence....
• and there were reports about Gaga approaching herself as Jo Calderone → what do you mean? Do you mean there were reports that in the video... Gaga would approach herself as Jo Calderone? Its not entirely clear...
• Garibay → Fernando Garibay as its a new section and the first mention of him a link to his full name would be appreciated. if someone's reading the whole article they could easily forget who he is by now.
• The rest of the devlopment section is fine, but the first half does sound like "Gaga Said, Garibay Said, Gibson said". It feels like a WP:QUOTEFARM instead of coherent reporting.
• In the video's conclusion, a person's silhouette dances and struts in an alley, a tribute to Michael Jackson's "The Way You Make Me Feel" video → source?
• The first paragraph from the reception section is a WP:QUOTEFARM in its purest form.

Live performances

• She later emerged from another bigger egg on stage, dressed in a high ponytail, gold bra top and long skirt, her makeup all black and gold, and with pointed shoulders and horns protruding from her face → who emerged from the egg? Gaga or Nicola from Haus of Gaga?
• Her dancers wore similar yolk-colored tunics → link to previous sentence with the word 'while'.
• Link Billboard.
• With Billboard she explained that she was in Amsterdam on her tour bus and was thinking about birth and embryos → this sentence seems orphaned with no context. What is the relevance of this sentence? Is this an explanation of the video/peformance? Was it the inspiration?
• In fact that whole paragraph needs reviewing. There isn't enough explanation. It seems like a direct quote but hasn't attributed as once so I'm confused whether its your interpretation of the sources or whether its something directly said by Billboard magazine or by Gaga for that matter. Break it down... what did Gaga say? What did Billboard report?

Other versions

• "On March 3, 2011, during her concert in Toronto, Canada, Gaga performed a capella version of the song along with ten year old Maria Aragon.[121] Gaga had first noticed Aragon singing "Born This Way" on YouTube, and was impressed. Hence she called her to join her on stage" (needs reviewing, it sounds a bit plotline-ish and story-like rather than professional reporting. try something like On March 3, 2011, during her concert in Toronto (Canada), Gaga performed an a capella version of the song with ten-year old Maria Aaragon. Gaga had been impressed by Aaragon's singing abilities when the ten-year old uploaded her own version of "Born This Way" to YouTube. Aaragon was subsequently invited on stage to sing with Gaga."
• "then did a soul inspired" → before preceeding to sing a soul-inspired (sounds incredibly colloqial)
• Later, she was invited at Radio Hot 103 → who was invited? Gaga or Aaragon?
• The song was performed on The Ellen DeGeneres Show not Ellen (TV series). there's a difference.
• The song was also covered by fellow singer Katy Perry, on the March 7, 2011, date of her California Dreams Tour, in Paris. Perry performed a stripped down version of the song, accompanied by two guitarists playing acoustic guitars → this is not linked to all the previous stuff about Aaragon and so it needs to be in a new paragraph. It also needs to be started in a way that doesn't follow on from the previous sentence. e.g. Fellow American singer Katy Perry performed a stripped version of the song on the March 7, 2011 date of her California Dreams Tour, in Paris. The performance was accompanied by accoustic guitars.
• The Glee cast announced that they will cover the song during a thematic episode of their second season → What is the relevance of this sentence if the next few sentences go on to explain that the cover actually happened, the song was released and it charted? How bout just skipping straight into saying, the Glee Cast themed episode 18 of season 2 around the song, with the cast singing and released Born This Way. etc.
• Too much information has been provided about "Perform This Way"... the song now has its own article thus reduce the fat here. Also why is there a link at the top of this section saying See also... "Perform This Way" when this entire section is about ALL notable covers? It gives the impression that if i clicked on the link there will be lots of covers not just one in particular.

Track listings and formats

• Track listings and formats → Track listings (there has been some confusion about the distinction of formats and track listings. formats = CD, Digital, 12". track listings = Single, Remixes etc. As there is no consistancy here... e.g. it says Remixes Part 1 (a tracklisting) but doesn't give the format (e.g. digital). the title of this section is innappropriate).

Credits and personnel

• would consider changing songwriting → songwriter. (in some of the listings, you've listed the profession e.g. sound recording but then in others you've listed the job e.g. producer. some consistancy might be required).

Charts

• No issues with charts.
• No issues with certificates.

Radio and release history

• Radio and release history → Radio adds and release history (presently the consensus is that a radio add date is not a release date as the industry doesn't use the term 'release' when describing radio adds).

See also, references and external links

• Nothing of major concern

Comments by Tbhotch* ^{۩ ۞}

These are a quick comments only about the introduction. The main problem as now is the vocabulary. Here they are:

• Infobox

"Greyscale image of a young, nude woman, with unkempt blond hair" -> Probable ENGVAR; two things: she was not naked, she was wearing trousers when they took the photo and something is missed: how is her position? is it a full-frontal nude?

• Lead

"from her second studio album of the same name." -> Gramatically correct, but it may refers that her album is called "Lady Gaga"

"Written and produced by Gaga, Fernando Garibay, Jeppe Laursen and DJ White Shadow," why the passive voice and where is Blair?

"gay community" -> link it

"It features the names of communities like the gay, lesbian as well as transgender". -> In resume, the LGBT community.

"early release of the lyrics [10 words later] that the lyrics'" -> use synonyms or avoid redundancies

"Asian and Hispanic communities, [10 wors later] describe Latino and Asian communities" -> same error

"The song has been remixed by different remixers," -> ¬¬

""Born This Way" received mixed to positive reception from critics." -> What is "mixed to positives", Are they mixed or positives? It cannot be both, and definitely there are negative reviews, so it can(not) be "negative to mixed to positive" chose either or use an adverb

"being described as a "club-ready anthem"," _> Is this positive or negative?

"Hot 100 chart ... on the Hot 100 ... atop the Hot 100." -> as before

in iTunes -> on the iTunes Store

It premiered on Monday -> Is the Monday needed?

their surrealistic images -> their surrealistic works

and Madonna -> overlinked

surrealism -> the word "surrealistic" is used before, link it there

"sensation" -> reduce the POV.

• I'll continue later with the rest of the article. Tbhotch* ^{۩ ۞} 06:21, 8 May 2011 (UTC)

---

• Background

"Throughout 2010, Lady Gaga was touring for her Monster Ball tour. It was then that she started developing ideas for her second studio album, Born This Way." -> This is very floppy. I suggest a copy-edit, perhaps: "In 2010, Lady Gaga (never linked beyond the lead) was touring for her second world tour The Monster Ball. At that time, she started..." or something similar

"which she wrote in ten minutes. She explained: "I wrote it in ten fucking minutes" -> Why we have to read twice that she wrote it in ten minutes?

"she was on tour in 2010" -> redundant as well

"relate to everyone, [t]o all of" -> why the [t]o? Eve it starts with "T" it is not incorrectly wrote

"Harkening back to the early '90s, when Madonna, En Vogue, Whitney Houston and TLC" -> link them all

gay community -> link it

"Gaga was askeed" -> typo

• Artwork and release

tweeted -> link it

"think Missing Persons, Roxy Music or Duran Duran" -> if they have articles, link them

"after Perez" -> overlinked

Gaga released the full set of lyrics of the song[19] before -> why the reference there w/o any punctuation?

• Composition

File:Lady Gaga Born This Way sample.ogg: Songwriter(s): Stefani Germanotta -> and the other three?

"containing the chorus and" -> why chorus effect is linked?

Born This Way is copyrighted, as you know, so reduce the use of lyrics the most you can

"lyrics talking about making no apologies and being who you are" -> I read exactly the same in the lead

"It features the names of communities like the gay, lesbian as well as transgender" -> "It features the names of the LGBT community"

• Remixes

CD single and digital download -> link them

Another set of remixes were done by Michael Woods, Grum, Dada Life, Zedd, Bimbo Jones, and Twin Shadow. It was released on March 29, 2011 -> Merge them, and which was the name of this EP?

"Gay, Lesbian and Straight Education Network (GLSEN)." -> "Gay, Lesbian and Straight Education Network (GLSEN)."

The paragraph which starts with "A Bollywood version of the song" contains many irrelevances such as "Since Desi Hits! is a part of Interscope Records, which is again a part of Universal Music—Gaga’s label—". The para should be cut.

"Indian music producer duo Salim and Sulaiman Merchant said that not much planning went into their remix of "Born This Way". It was spontaneous.[36]" -> merge them

• Critical reception

The main problem here is the excessive use of quotes, remember that most of them (if not all) are copyrighted by their respective authors, note that "While quotations are an indispensable part of Wikipedia, try not to overuse them"

"After its release, "Born This Way" received mixed to positive response from music critics". -> Citation needed, especially the "mixed to positive" part

"between "Born This Way" and Madonna's "Express Yourself"." -> overlinked

"the Beatles' 'A Day in the Life' or Queen's" -> link the bands.

• Chart performance

"song sold 448,000 digital downloads in three days, the most downloads in a first week by a female artist" -> where?

"The record was previously held by Britney Spears' "Hold It Against Me"." -> overlinked and merge it with the previous sentence

"The song's CD single" -> overlinked

"and 40,000 copies to date" -> So, it sales stopped at 40,000? Still no selling singles?

"Born This Way" also reached number 11 on Billboard's Adult Top 40, number 11 on Adult Contemporary chart, number one on Hot Dance Club Songs, number ten on Latin Pop Airplay, and number one on Japan Hot 100.[67][68]" -> "Born This Way" topped the Japan Hot 100 and Hot Dance Club Songs charts, reached number ten on Latin Pop Airplay and number 11 on Billboard's Adult Top 40, and Adult Contemporary charts.[67][68]

"It became the highest selling number one single there.[70]" -> merge it with the previous sentence

"New Zealand RIANZ charts, ... the Recording Industry Association of New Zealand (RIANZ) for shipment -> copyedit needed

[75][76][77][78] ... [79][80][81][82][83][84] ... [86][87][88] -> Why you don't kill them?

• Music video

"The video" -> as Lil' said

incredibly beautiful" music video -> incredibly beautiful" video

It . . . -> It ...

experience, You can -> typo

initially told MTV News -> overlinked

the male model [character] she portrayed -> why the "[character]"

"bullied" -> link it

surrealistic -> link it

Gibsonsaid -> typo

Gibsonsaid [sic] that Gaga chose New York to shoot the video because "This was the place that we started. This was the place that birthed her. This was the place that birthed my dance. New York just has something so real about birthing something specific." -> you can short this as simple as a "is the place where she born".

How File:Bornthiswaymusicvideo.jpg passes WP:NFCC#1, as a living person free images of Rico exist and this image can be replaced by one of them. You are trying to use a non-free image to assert a point that free content can do.

"Bernard Herrmann’s prelude to the movie Vertigo plays while Gaga declares," -> citation needed, WP:Ffilmplot "protects" you from sourcing videos' synopsis, in other words, what we are seeing, but no what's behind it

"model Rick Genest are" -> overlinked, and you called him "Rico" before

"a tribute to Michael Jackson's "The Way You Make Me Feel" video" -> I, as many know that, but not all, a source would help

distinct Madonna-esque -> overlinked again

"chewing bubble gum and blowing a bubble" -> as far as I can remember this is because Rico likes to chew gum, if you could source it, do it

Reception section, we returned to the quote farm

Los Angeles Times, Michael Jackson and Madonna are, again, overlinked

File:Janus-Vatican.JPG -> ALT needed for consistency

• Live performances

On the February 9, 2011, episode of The Ellen DeGeneres Show, DeGeneres, alongside ... telephone with Ellen DeGeneres -> This needs a copyedit

that she will perform "Born This Way" on February 13, 2011, at the 53rd Grammy Awards -> update it

"Gaga's Twitter followers" -> only they?

"intro of the song ("It doesn't matter if you love Him, or capital H-I-M")," -> you already marked this

was a Gregorian Alvin Ailey, -> already linked

"She added that Willow Smith" -> already linked

With Billboard she explained that -> With Billboard, she explained that

"Even my hair color was a washed-out rose color . . . It was meant to be a hair expression, an afterbirth" -> if this is a quote, quote it

rose color . . . It was -> rose color ... It was

"With shades of the Queen of Pop's Blonde Ambition tour," -> We are not refering to MJ as the "King of Pop", are we?

from Billboard described -> overlinked

from Entertainment Weekly praised -> id.

Matthew Perpetua from Rolling Stone -> id.

At the February 19, 2011 -> ?

set-list -> link it

Laura Nyro -> link her

• Other version

"Gaga had first noticed Aragon singing "Born This Way" on YouTube, and was impressed. Hence she called her to join her on stage" -> merge them

"song on Ellen with Ellen DeGeneres," -> both overlinked

"The Glee cast announced that they will cover the song" -> update it

• Credits and personnel

Where is Paul Blair?

• Category

Eurodance songs -> never metioned

• References

I recommend you to archive all the possible links, as a recent song links are OK now, but like in a year-and-a-half they would become dead.

In general this is a good article and it can be used as an example for future generation—but I am not saying it in a positive way. The article is the perfect example of what you musn't do, and how have Wikipedia sued by the respective authors. It contains many quotes, as much as I think that like 40% of it was not written by you—or other authors—it was written by media. As you know Wikipedia is not a quotation farm, and unless you have an OTRS ticket, such as AFI's 100 Years...100 Movie Quotes, you must remove most of those and keep them short. Also, it has some typographical errors, overlinking and underlinking, which I'd like to correct but I have an awful lag on Wikipedia (that's why I'm not working now). The article deserves the B-class, but not the GA-class yet, and I suggest you to request for copyedits. Tbhotch* ^{۩ ۞} 05:13, 11 May 2011 (UTC)