I've listed this article for peer review because I'm not too familiar with film articles and I decided to request help from other editors before a copy-edit. What do you think?
Thanks, Tintor2 (talk) 23:05, 4 November 2017 (UTC)[reply]
- Pinging some experienced users to @ProtoDrake:, @Narutolovehinata5:, @Aoba47:, @AngusWOOF:.Tintor2 (talk) 14:08, 5 November 2017 (UTC)[reply]
- Forgot @Sjones23: who has edited the article in the past.Tintor2 (talk) 00:28, 6 November 2017 (UTC)[reply]
- Comments from Aoba47
| Resolved comments from – Aoba47 (talk) 01:10, 6 November 2017 (UTC)[reply]
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*The format for Reference 33 needs to be corrected.
- Reference 4 should not be in all caps. Same comment applies to Reference 21 and 23.
- The infobox image needs ALT text.
- Something about the phrase “the new title character” seems off to me. I know what you mean, but I read “new title” as a phrase by itself rather than attaching “new” to the “character” part so it just sounds a little weird. I am not sure if the phrase is necessary to be honest.
- Make it clear in this phrase (son of former protagonist), that he was the former protagonist of the show and/or franchise.
- This sentence (Set after the finale of Naruto, the film focuses on the new title character Boruto Uzumaki, son of former protagonist, Naruto Uzumaki, who wishes to surpasses his father due to him not often being with his family due to the fact Naruto became the leader of his ninja village.) is rather long and contains a lot of information. It may be overwhelming for an uninformed reader. I would suggest having one sentence introducing Boruto and then the second sentence delving more into his character and role in the film.
- Include the years in which The Last: Naruto the Movie and Road to Ninja: Naruto the Movie were released.
- I do not think that reference 5 is necessary for the lead as this information should already be cited in the body of the article somewhere. It is also not anything to terribly controversial so I do not see the need to have a reference to immediately support it in the lead.
- In this sentence (However, this time Kishimoto took a larger role in the making of this film), add a comma after “this time”.
- I would suggest revising this sentence (This brought him difficulties which resulted in requiring help from other staff members such as the writer Ukyo Kodachi and director Yamashita who created new scenes that left a deep impression on Kishimoto) as it reads rather awkwardly, specifically the use of several dependent clauses (i.e. “which resulted” and “who created”).
- For this part in the lead (Released in August 2015), is there a reason for not putting in the full date of the release.
- The following phrase (its home media releases had good sales) seems rather vague, particularly “good sales”. I would revise this to make it stronger and clearer.
- Just a clarification question, are you using the Oxford comma in this article? It is up to you. If you are, then this list in the lead needs an additional comma (praising the animation, fight scenes and the relationship between Boruto and Naruto). If not, then it is fine as it is.
- I think that the part in the lead on the response towards Boruto and Naruto’s relationship can be made into its own sentence. There seems to be more of a mixed response towards this aspect of the film, and it would be better and more concise to address this in a single sentence rather than separating it into the following parts: (and the relationship between Boruto and Naruto, with some pointing out how the former grows across the story) and (that Boruto's relationship with his father was not explored deeply).
- For this phrase (Many years after the main series), do we know an exact amount or can you specify it further? The phrase “many years” just seems rather vague as it could mean anywhere from two years to 10+ years later.
- Something about the following phrase seems odd to me (and married to Hinata Hyuga with two children, Boruto and Himawari). I would separate that part out and say that they had two children together to avoid any misinterpretation.
- Use Saukura’s full name on the first mention.
- For this part (more on being Hokage), maybe revise it to (his responsibilities as Hokage).
- I would change (about the powerful foe) to (about a powerful foe).
- Clarify what this part means (his undersized Rasengan) as I do not understand this as someone who has never seen anything Naruto.
- This sentence (Before Naruto leaves the arena, two figures appear and destroy it: Kinshiki Ōtsutsuki and Momoshiki Ōtsutsuki) is weirdly structured. The characters’ names should appear after the part “two figures”, otherwise you are linking them with “it”.
- A link to Nine-Tails would be beneficial as done in the main franchise article.
- You can just shorten (the Nine-Tails creature) to “Nine-Tails”.
- I am confused by this part (Naruto apparently sacrifices himself). Did Naruto really sacrifice himself or was there some sort of fake-out?
- A link to Jutsu (Naruto) would be helpful here as I am really lost whenever the article talks about it.
- I do not fully understand this part (Momoshiki turns Kinshiki into a chakra pill and swallows him to increase his strength).
- I would try to find a way to more seamlessly include the information from this sentence (Naruto and Sasuke fight as well.) into the rest of the section as it currently just feels like an add-on.
- I have a few issues with (but a foolish Katasuke shoot Momoshiki with a Kote that only restores his own strength). I am not sure about the word choice with “foolish”. “Shoot” should be “shoots”.
- I am not sure what you mean by “the Five Kage”.
- In this part (impaling Naruto with multiple black receivers), what do you mean by “multiple black receivers”?
- A link for Rasengan would be helpful.
- In this part (Orochimaru himself is seen watching over them), do you mean that Orochimaru is watching from the distance or does he reveal himself to them?
- I would see if there is a way to get the images of two Japanese voice actors to a similar size as the left one is slight shorter than the one on the right.
- The beginning of the first paragraph in the “Production” section reads rather rough and choppy. I would revise it to make the information read more smoothly. Some problem areas are (This was because the Boruto was developed in less than a single year) and (Director Hiroyuki Yamashita recalls being added to the film in December 2014.). The prose for this could be fixed up to be a lot better in my opinion.
- I would change (Yamashita had pressure) to (Yamashita had felt pressured).
- I would revise this (was that the fight were Naruto fights) to avoid the repetition of the word “fight”.
- Could you clarify the following sentence (Nevertheless, Kishimoto said they had small ideas in regards what to do with the story)? Do you mean that they had limited ideas of what to do for the story or that they had plans for a story that was smaller in scale when compared to the rest of the franchise?
- With this sentence and the following one, I would avoid the repetition of the word “ideas”.
- The wording for this (who conceived the Boruto Uzumaki's Rasengan move that unlike regular Rasengan, it becomes invisible) could be improved.
- For this sentence (After some revisions, the script was concluded in February), I would use “finished” rather than “concluded”.
- Add the years in which The Rock and Spiderman were released.
- In these two sentences (Yamashita stated some scenes had to be removed from the film because of the small time the team had to develop Boruto. Yamashita's favorite scene was Sasuke's fight against Kinshiki, the initial scene which was also revised multiple times to reduce its length), the word “scene” is repeated three times.
- The Yasuharu Takahashi image requires ALT text.
- In this part (the theme serves as a reference to Boruto), “the” should be capitalized.
- In this part (One of the singers of the band stated that it reflects how the), “One” should not be capitalized.
- This sentence (For the main theme song, Kishimoto wanted the band Kana-Boon to play it, impressed with their work with "Silhouette" which was originally used as an opening theme for the anime of Naruto: Shippuden.) could be revised to read better.
- What do you mean by this sentence (the theme serves as a reference to Boruto)? How does it reference the character?
- This phrase (Kishimoto stated the film would star the children of Naruto and Hinata, Boruto Uzumaki) reads a little weird as you say it star “the children” yet name only one of their children. Same goes for “Sasuke and Sakura’s" as the parallelism used here implies that they have multiple children.
- I would change this (While still not knowing what would the film be about, voice actress Junko Takeuchi was pleased with the announcement) to (Junko Takeuchi was pleased with the announcement despite not knowing the exact details about the film). Also unlink Junko here as she was linked in a previous section.
- In this phrase (remarking the focus on theme of generations, the growth of Naruto ever since his first appearance as well as how Boruto seeks to surpass him but in the end he ends up caring more for him), I am not sure that “remarking” is the right word choice. And what is the critic saying about these themes in particular?
- I would revise this (The fight scenes have been the subject of major praise due to how well animated they are) to (The fight scenes have been the subject of major praise due to their animation). It is more concise in my version and eliminates some POV issues, as the current wording borders on fan language.
- In this part ("Naruto" fan will want to miss “Boruto,”), I am not sure why Naruto and Boruto are in quotation marks. I think they both should be in italics as one is referencing a franchise and the other a film.
- The structure of the “Critical response” subsection seems a little scattered. I would suggest making a paragraph on the response to the fight scenes as that appears to have attracted a lot of notes, and another on Boruto’s character development and relationship with his father for the same reason. I noticed the lack of cohesion or flow in this subsection primarily in how the comment about the English voice actors appears tacked on at the end of the second paragraph in particular.
- This sentence (Pleased with the film Boruto, Sanpei asked Kishimoto to make another one which resulted in Kishimoto asking her to let him rest for another one) reads very awkwardly and needs revision, such as the repetition of the phrase “another one”.
- This sentence also needs to be revised for stronger prose (CyberConnect2's fighting game Naruto Shippuden: Ultimate Ninja Storm 4 was given an expansion that adds the returning characters such as Naruto and Sasuke as well as the new ones in order to retell the film's story under the subtitle of Road to Boruto.). The phrase “adds the returning characters” should be “adds returning characters” and you need to specify what you mean by “the new ones”. Also, how does this game “retell the film’s story”? Does it do anything differently or does focus on the same material in the same way?
Wonderful work with this article. I apologize for the large amount of comments that I have left on this peer review. I have two concerns about this article: 1) the prose needs to be strengthened in a lot of areas so I would recommend reading through the entire article and tightening information where appropriate and working on the transitions and 2) the “Plot” section contains a lot of information that would confuse an uniformed reader. As someone who has never seen or read anything Naruto-related, I was lost. I hope you find these comments helpful. Aoba47 (talk) 19:58, 5 November 2017 (UTC)[reply]
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Thanks for the quick response @Aoba47:. I tried rewriting almost all the sentences but I don't know which still need more copyedit. In regards to the plot section, there is no exact time because the film is supposed to take place few years after the manga but it is never specified how much. Also, I don't know about adding Sakura and Hinata's last names in the plot considering they changed their last names too.Tintor2 (talk) 21:10, 5 November 2017 (UTC)[reply]
- Thank you for addressing my points. I think that the prose is good for GAN, but it may be helpful to have a few more sets of eyes look through it if you are interested in putting this through the FAC process. And thank you for clarifying the two points above. I understand the point about the timeline, and the current wording is fine as it stands. I also understand the point about the last names as introducing the characters' original last names (or the last names they were associated with in previous installments of the franchise) would only introduce points of confusion rather than helping. I may look through the article again in the future and do some minor copy-edits (that you can revert if necessary of course) while this is still up for peer review. Good luck with getting more feedback. I hope I do not scare anyone away with the amount of comments that I left. I didn't realize it was so much lol. Great work with the article as a whole! Aoba47 (talk) 22:29, 5 November 2017 (UTC)[reply]
- Comments from DragonZero
- "However, this time Kishimoto took a larger role in the making of this film." Clarity. I remember reading about Kishimoto's role in the previous films so this sentence makes sense to me, but to the general audience, it raises questions.
- The sentences following the above with Kishimoto's staff is a bit awkward. I think it'll need to be reworked to improve flow and clarity instead of just a rewrite.
- "its home media releases had good sales" I would clarify or omit this; its hard to base whether the sales were good base on numbers alone.
- "scenes as well as Boruto's growth across the story when becoming closer to his father."; I would change this to ', and Boruto's growth
- "However, he wanted both Naruto and Boruto's bond improved during the plot", relationship to improve during the plot of the film
- "Junko Takeuchi]b"
- I don't know the style for box office sales, but its a bit questionable only the second foreign dollars is converted to USD.
- Overall, seems fine. It could improve in the prose here and there, and I have not looked at the plot during this time. DragonZero (Talk · Contribs) 23:41, 6 November 2017 (UTC)[reply]
- Thanks DragonZero. I already requested a copy-edit of the film and tried revising the plot section to make it seem easier to understand. I am also not familiar with box offices so I don't know what to do.Tintor2 (talk) 23:52, 6 November 2017 (UTC)[reply]
DragonZero wrote me a shorter version of the plot section:
"Boruto: Naruto the Movie takes place a few years after the Naruto series, and follows Boruto Uzumaki, the son of Naruto Uzumaki and Hinata Hygua. Naruto's position as the Hokage leaves an absent father role in Boruto's life, causing him to act out to gain his father's attention. When Sasuke returns to Konoha to report his findings from Kaguya Ōtsutsuki's castle to Naruto, Boruto asks Sasuke for training in order to defeat Naruto. As the first step to his long-term plan, Boruto needs to pass the Chuunin exam. Under pressure to succeed, Boruto cheats by using a device to deploy ninja techniques, and is disqualified during the semi-finals battle when caught. Shortly after, the village is attacked by Kinshiki Ōtsutsuki and Momoshiki Ōtsutsuki, who abducts Naruto in the aftermath.
Sasuke leads a team consisting of the Kages and Boruto to pursue and rescue Naruto, culminating with Boruto disintegrating the combined form of Kinshiki and Momoshiki with a Rasengan. Humbled by his recent experiences, Boruto develops a newfound respect towards hard work, and dedicates himself to becoming a ninja like Sasuke."
Do you think it's better?Tintor2 (talk) 15:33, 7 November 2017 (UTC)[reply]
- Forgot to ping @1989:. Also @Flowerpiep: has been trying to revise the prose.Tintor2 (talk) 15:35, 7 November 2017 (UTC)[reply]
- My plot would still need work though. I think it takes a bit more time than what I used when writing that. DragonZero (Talk · Contribs) 22:31, 7 November 2017 (UTC)[reply]
- @DragonZero: While I like that summary, doesn't it feel a bit short for a 90 minute movie? I tried trimming the plot but considering elements like Naruto joining forces with Sasuke is mentioned in the production and reception sections and I don't feel like doing that.Tintor2 (talk) 23:09, 7 November 2017 (UTC)[reply]
- Yeah, I can see it being controversial due to its length. It was intended to help generate ideas, rather than replace the plot in the article. DragonZero (Talk · Contribs) 23:33, 7 November 2017 (UTC)[reply]
- I see, thanks. Still, I don't know if how much revisit needs the plot section in order to be easier to understand to readers who did not watch the series. I already asked for a copyedit but I also removed Kaguya's mention in the article.Tintor2 (talk) 23:40, 7 November 2017 (UTC)[reply]
- Comments from Narutolovehinata5
Hey Tintor2 great work as always. Aoba47 and DragonZero already gave some interesting comments above that may help you with the article. As for me, my only suggestion that has not already been raised above is to check if there are any Japanese or non-English reviews for the film. There's already information about Japanese box-office performance, but it would be nice for the article to explain what Japanese audience thought of the film. Narutolovehinata5 tccsdnew 09:17, 8 November 2017 (UTC)[reply]
- Any idea where I can find those sources? Not even Blood-C: The Last Dark or Tales of Vesperia: The First Strike have those.Tintor2 (talk) 10:16, 8 November 2017 (UTC)[reply]
- Try searching for "レビュー ボルト" online. Narutolovehinata5 tccsdnew 10:31, 8 November 2017 (UTC)[reply]
- @Narutolovehinata5: Thanks. I added Yahoo Japan but I don't know about other sites since I can't tell if they are reliable sources or not.Tintor2 (talk) 15:43, 8 November 2017 (UTC)[reply]
Are you sure that the music composer is not Yasuharu Takanashi? I think there's a typo on the CD Japan source. --122.108.141.214 (talk) 04:24, 12 November 2017 (UTC)[reply]
- Fixed.Tintor2 (talk) 13:14, 12 November 2017 (UTC)[reply]
