Wikipedia:Peer review/Brain ischemia/archive2

Brain ischemia

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A script has been used to generate a semi-automated review of the article for issues relating to grammar and house style; it can be found on the automated peer review page for February 2009.

This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've listed this article for peer review because I would like it to be elevated to Good Article Status sometime soon and I'd like to know how to improve it so that it can make GA.

Thanks, Saunc2011 (talk) 00:31, 19 February 2009 (UTC)[reply]

Comments by Sasata

Hi, I'm a first-timer here at peer review and thought I'd give it a whirl. The articles needs a good working-over. There's a major problem with lack of citations, and the language is inconsistent and simplistic at best. I don't think the article will have a chance at GA review if there isn't some discussion at the metabolic effects of cerebral ischemia, even if it is only at a basic level (for example, refer to the Raichle (1983) review article for more details). A picture somewhere in the article would be nice.

Best of luck with your class project. I hope my comments will help you bring this article up to GA-class. If you'd like, drop me a note after you've put some work into this and I'll have my wife give her medical opinion on the content. Cheers, Sasata (talk) 08:15, 21 February 2009 (UTC)[reply]

Lead

2nd sentence of lead redundant (1st sentence already defines ischemia).

"Brain ischemia has also been connected to cerebral hypoxia and, if prolonged, to cerebral infarction. " The use of the word "also" implies that just prior to this sentence, some other example was given, but this is not the case here. The use of the phrase "been connected to" is ambiguous and the language should be tightened here, and throughout the rest of the hook.

No space required after punctuation and the citation number.

"There are two types of Brain ischemia, Focal Brain ischemia and Global Brain ischemia." First, I doubt any of these capitalizations are required (capitalization of brain ischemia is inconsistent throughout the article). Second, I would expect after a statement like this the next sentence would tell me what the difference is between these two types of ischemia. But alas, it goes on to say stuff about symptoms, and uses the word "issues" and "concern" repeatedly.

There are also many unwanted effects, for example, the loss of essential energy that is important for carrying on necessary activities in the body. Unclear. What is meant by "loss of essential energy?" "...carrying on necessary activities in the body." Aren't we talking about the brain?

wikilink sickle cell anemia, congenital heart defect

Background

"Brain ischemia is a condition that commonly causes irreversible brain damage."Source? Also, this should not be the lead-off sentence. Tell me more about what the condition is first.
"An interruption of the blood flow to the brain results in the loss of consciousness after ten seconds." Source?

"Therefore, protecting the human brain from brain ischemia is very important." This seems so obvious I don't think it needs stating. The rest of this section needs work, it's too simplistic, and spoon-feeds the reader. (eg. The brain is one of the most important parts in the body. It tells every other part of the body how to function and what activities to perform. etc.)

Symptoms

"~~The symptoms of brain ischemia go from one extreme to the other.~~" The first sentence of this section should not jump into describing how extreme the symptoms are without first telling me what the symptoms are. For this reason the next 2-3 sentences are out of order.

"Arteries that branch from the Internal carotid artery may experience symptoms such as blindness in one eye," Reword, as it currently sounds like the artery is experiencing the symptoms. Also, don't capitalize internal. Ditto for the next sentence.

Effects

"During brain ischemia, the brain cannot continue aerobic metabolism because of the loss of oxygen and substrate." I have no idea what is meant by substrate in the context.

" ATP(Adenosine TriPhosphate)" Needs a space after ATP, lose the capitals when spelling it out. Don't define ATP again in the next sentence.

"Adenosine Triphosphate(ATP) is the molecule that contains and stores the large amount of energy that the body needs to do almost everything it does." Spoon-feeding, poorly written.

"These developments may then lead to several consequences, such as calcium influx into the cytosol, release ~~from synaptic vesicles losses then lead to several unwanted developments during brain ischemia. These developments are: A massive influx of calcium into the cytosol, A massive~~ of glutamate from synaptic vesicles, Llipolysis, Ccalpain activation, and the Aarrest of protein synthesis."

"Some of the other pathological events that may result from brain ischemia are cardiorespiratory arrest, stroke, and severe head injury." Source?

"Other operative procedures that may occur are carotid endarterectomy, cardiopulmonary bypass, and induced hypotension." That may be performed

Types

"There are two different types of brain ischemia. The two types are Focal Brain ischemia and Global Brain ischemia. The main difference in Focal and Global Brain ischemia is where they are located." Combine all of these single-idea sentences into to improve flow. Lose the caps.

"~~The first type is Focal Brain Ischemia~~." It doesn't have a numerical order, and there's no more info in this sentence that isn't conveyed by the subject header right above.

"~~Basically,~~ Focal brain ischemia is ..."

"During Focal Brain ischemia, an area called the ischemia penumbra..." Wikilink? Definition? Diagram? Needs something like that.

"~~The second type is Global Brain Ischemia.~~"

"The person is now in reperfusion. Reperfusion is the damage that is done to the tissue when blood supply returns after a period of ischemia." Rework the short first sentence into the second. More citations are needed in these parts.

Causes

The whole section needs much better referencing, almost every sentence there could use a citation. Then, copyedit the paragraph, paying careful attention to trying to vary the monotonous sentence structure by combining sentences with the appropriate use of commas and semicolons. Divide the long paragraph into two or three shorter ones.