Wikipedia:Peer review/Bruce Dickinson/archive1

Bruce Dickinson

This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've listed this article for peer review because I want to take it to FA status. This article sailed through its GA nomination last year, from which I have followed advice left in the GA review about taking it on to FA. Although I have checked this article against FA criteria, I have never submitted an FA nomination so any opinions would be very much appreciated.

Thanks, Nerdtrap (talk) 14:16, 17 September 2012 (UTC)

From Curly Turkey:

• As the lead should be a summary of the article, it should have few, if any, inline citations.
  • "to join Iron Maiden as their new vocalist"—"as their new vocalist" is redundant. I'd cut it.
  • "high-impact releases" is kind of vague—does this mean they sold well? They were particularly influential? They got in the news? Does it refer to the style of music?
  • I'd put the bit about the honorary doctorate in the body of the article rather than the lead.
• As per MOS:LQ, Wikipedia policy is to use logical quotations—any punctuation that is not actually a part of the quotation should be outside the quotation marks: e.g.

under the stage name "Bruce Bruce." ==> under the stage name "Bruce Bruce".

• "back when he still lived"—drop "back".
• "a band would play at the school; the first of"—why the semicolon?
• "he wanted to get a degree first; "that was what"—ditto.
• Ranges of numbers should use and endash rather than an emdash:

Return: 1999—present ==> Return: 1999–present

• Should the Ozzfest incident really be in a section on its own? And should it really be so prominent? I would think it should be shorter, and under the "1999–present" section.
  • It also would be nice to know the nature of the offensive comments Dickinson made about Osbourne.
• The last lines of the "Singing style" section have no citation.
• Not a requirement, but you may want to look at WP:BUNDLING your references, especially in cases like: "...greatest rock vocalists/front-men of all time.[133][134][135][136]" There are a number of different styles. My personal favourite is using {{sfnm}}. Seeing as you're already using {{sfn}}, it wouldn't take much work to do it.

Didn't look at the article too closely, but this is what I've got for now. Curly Turkey (gobble) 02:48, 20 September 2012 (UTC)

Thanks very much for your time and feedback. I believe I have improved the sections you have outlined and fixed the issues you have raised. Any further advice would also be very appreciated.--Nerdtrap (talk) 10:36, 20 September 2012 (UTC)

Something else—the article is really, really quote heavy. An awful lot (I'd say almost all) of the quotes are not really necessary, and the writing would flow more smoothly if you paraphrased instead.

Also, if he has a son, is he, or has he been, married? Who's the mother? How about a "Personal life" section for things like that? Then you could get rid of the remaining inline citations from the lead (again, the lead is supposed to be a summary of the article, so there really shoudn't be things in the lead that aren't in the article). Curly Turkey (gobble) 00:29, 21 September 2012 (UTC)

Thanks for the additional comments. I've taken out the vast majority of quotes- I've decided to move the more important ones into quote boxes at the side so they can still be read without impeding the article's flow. I created a personal life section with as much information I can find.--Nerdtrap (talk) 13:06, 30 September 2012 (UTC)

It looks good. If it were put up now, I'm pretty sure it'd pass GA. A couple of nitpicks:

• I can't help thinking that the "Ozzfest incident" is still too long. Was it really so prominent that it needs to be as long as the whole "Return: 1999–present" section?
• "In addition, Dickinson's cousin, Rob, was the lead singer": "In addition" is superfluous.

Curly Turkey (gobble) 23:11, 30 September 2012 (UTC)