Wikipedia:Peer review/Burger King/archive3
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This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've listed this article for peer review because…
I am looking to renominate the article for GA status and need an outside set of eyes to look at it. Frankly I have been working on it so long it has begun to blend into a single mass of text. I need comments on grammar, content and prose as well as any errors that might be present. Do not go easy on me, as I want to get this thing to GA status by the end of March and FA status by the end of May.
Thanks, Jeremy (blah blah • I did it!) 18:54, 12 January 2011 (UTC)
Finetooth comments: I find this article to be broad in coverage and quite interesting in places, for example in its coverage of BK's global presence (including images). On the other hand, I noted (and sometimes fixed) many small errors in syntax, grammar, and breaches of the Manual of Style guidelines. I discuss a few of these below, but I'm sure I did not catch them all. I'd recommend another copyediting sweep; you might be able to find someone via WP:GOCE#REQ. More difficult to pinpoint is a kind of confusion I felt about the chronology as I read from top to bottom. For example, Donald K. Smith's Operation Phoenix is discussed in the "History" section, followed by other events ending in 2010, but it re-appears in the "Franchises" section. I wonder if it might not be a good idea to merge as much of the "History" material as possible with the lower sections to improve the general flow of the article and to avoid repetition. The plans for the company's future might not fit into any of the other sections and might be relegated to a note; plans change quickly, and this note might need frequent updating. Instead of "History", the top section might become "Origins" and include only the start-up background.
- Lead
Done "Originally called Insta-Burger King." - This is not a complete sentence.
- Done "The current ownership group, 3G Capital of Brazil, acquired a majority stake in the company in a deal valued at $3.26 billion (USD) in late 2010." - Any combinations such a "3.26 billion" that might be awkwardly separated on computer screens by line-break should be glued together with a no-break code. WP:NBSP explains these codes.
- Done "66% are in the United States and 90% are" - WP:MOS#Percentages suggests using "percent" instead of the symbol except in scientific articles and complex listings.
- Done "Despite the majority of the restaurant locations being privately held by individual owners, Burger King's relationship with its franchises has not always been harmonious." - Slightly smoother might be "Although the majority of the restaurant locations are privately held by individual owners, Burger King's relationship with its franchises has not always been harmonious."
- Done "This tactic would eventually come to hurt the company's financial underpinnings and cast a negative pall on its earnings." - Tighten to "This tactic eventually hurt the company's financial underpinnings and cast a negative pall on its earnings"?
- Done Is there a good reason to link the common words, "fish", "chicken", "salads", and "breakfast"?
- Done Link trans-fat in "unhealthy fats and trans-fats"?
- Done Maybe link sexism in "derided for perceived sexism"?
- History
- Done"The new owners, through several new CEOs, have since moved to revitalize and reorganize the company, the first major move was to re-name the Burger King parent as Burger King Brands." - Watch out for comma-spliced sentences like this one. I fixed an earlier one. A full stop (terminal period) or perhaps a semicolon is needed after "reorganize the company".
- Done "Some of the structural changes Burger King underwent under the ownership group's watch were new advertising agency that created a series of new ad campaigns... " - Missing word, "a" as in "a new advertising agency"? Also, perhaps tighten to something like: "Changes at Burger King under the new ownership included an advertising agency that created a series of new ad campaigns, ..."?
- Done "These changes led a score of consecutive profitable quarters for the company between March 2004 and March 2009 that successfully re-energizing the company." - "Re-energized" rather than "re-energizing"?
- Done "Despite this, the slowing of the economy during the financial crisis of 2007-2010... " - En dash instead of hyphen in date range.
- Done "when TPG and its partners announced it would sell their 31% stake" - "Its 31 percent stake" rather than "their".
- International operations
- Done "At the end of its fiscal 2010 year, Burger King is the second largest chain of hamburger fast food in terms of restaurant locations restaurants in the world behind industry bellwether... " - Doesn't make sense as written.
- Franchises
- Done "it relied on a regional franchising model in which franchisees purchased the right to open stores within a defined geographic region." - Tighten to "it required franchisees to buy the right to open stores within a defined geographic region."
- The change is incorrect, but I will try to reword it. --Jeremy (blah blah • I did it!) 08:07, 17 January 2011 (UTC)
- Done "By 2001 and after nearly eighteen years of stagnant growth" - Numbers bigger than nine are usually written as digits unless they start a sentence; i.e., 18.
- Legal issues
- Done "the dispute eventually erupted into a geopolitical conflagration involving Muslim and Jewish groups on multiple continents" - "Conflagration" seems a bit extreme. Maybe "the dispute eventually escalated into a geopolitical debate... "?
- Products
- Done "After being brought on in 1978, one of Donald N. Smith's first changes to the menu... " - Since "one" wasn't brought on, maybe: "After Donald N. Smith was brought on in 1978, one of his changes to the menu... "?
- Done "Accompanying these new broilers was new holding equipment was a computer based product monitoring system for its cooked products." - Makes no sense as written.
- Done "The monitoring system allows for more concise tracking of product quality giving the company and its franchisees to streamline costs by more preciously projecting sales and usage." - Does not make sense as written.
- Advertising
- "by initiating an overhaul of its flailing advertising programs" - Should that be "failing" rather than "flailing"? It could be either, I suppose.
- Flailing is what I intended. --Jeremy (blah blah • I did it!) 06:26, 18 January 2011 (UTC)
- Other
- Done Captions consisting solely of a sentence fragment do not take a terminal period. The caption for the lead photo, just under the infobox, doesn't need a period, for example, and there are several others like this in the article.
- See also
- Done I would move the books link and the portals to "External links". I also have doubts in general about portal-link proliferation. Are the portals closely related to the content of the article? The more you link, the more diffuse the attraction of each individual link.
- References
- Done Citations 1 and 2 need to include at least the date of most recent access and the publisher.
I hope these suggestions prove helpful. If so, please consider commenting on any other article at WP:PR. I don't usually watch the PR archives or make follow-up comments. If my suggestions are unclear, please ping me on my talk page. Finetooth (talk) 20:12, 16 January 2011 (UTC)