Wikipedia:Peer review/Crush 40/archive2

Crush 40

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I've been working on this article for as long as I've been an active contributor to Wikipedia. The article has just passed through a somewhat easy GA (there were a few snags that had to be addressed in the hold period), and now I'm bringing it here to see what more I can do with it. I don't know if I'll ever have the sources to make this a featured article (there's already quite a few self-published sources, though WP:SELFPUB says I can use them), but if I either can or cannot, I want to improve this article as much as I can. Thanks. Red Phoenix ^{flame of life...}^{protector of all...} 02:24, 21 April 2008 (UTC)[reply]

Comments from The Rambling Man (talk · contribs)

Certainly no expert here, but some comments to help...

Be aware of the use of discretionary plurals - "Crush 40 is a..." vs "...the band changed their name.."
Why a single citation in the lead? A lot of things in the lead need citation if you only cite one. My advice - cite nothing there and ensure you cover it again in the main text. Cite it there. Job done.
"got a job with" reads clumsily.
"as a music composer for video games. As a video game composer" - repetition warning!
" very first song" - very is redundant.
"Even after making that track" - why is it a seemingly unusual for them to stay in contact (i.e. "Even...")?
" Johnny's " - encyclopaedia would refer to him by surname.
"When Sonic Adventure 2 was being made to commemorate Sonic's 10th anniversary," - cite.
Sonic Ad 2 should either be in italics always or never, choose.
"Crush 40 has not released any additional albums since 2003" - additional is redundant.
Sonic is mentioned again, sounds a little repetitive.
Done "[Sonic Heroes (soundtrack)| Triple Threat: Sonic Heroes Vocal Trax]] " - needs sorting out.
Drummer credits - this is borderline trivia. What's the significance?

How can I make this more clear? It's basically a lineup change, but I can't find any reliable sources that flat-out calls it a lineup change. Katsuji has not drummed since Sonic Heroes and Toru Kawamura has continued to be the drummer since. Although I haven't cited it, Toru Kawamura is also cited as the drummer in the album booklet of True Blue: The Best of Sonic the Hedgehog for Crush 40's latest song, a cover of "Seven Rings in Hand". Not even the self-published source I have says that (then again, it only goes up to about 2004). That's the point, but obviously it's not clear enough.Red Phoenix ^{flame of life...}^{protector of all...} 18:31, 28 April 2008 (UTC)[reply]

"Kawamura was credited for the drumming for this soundtrack, as well.[11]" - Kawamura was also.... and drop the ", as well".
Do ProgressiveWorld.net carry any weight? Are they even a reliable source?

I believe so, but I may have to ask at WP:RS/N. I've taken a closer look at their home page and it's a site that handles progressive rock music kind of like how IGN handles video games. Red Phoenix ^{flame of life...}^{protector of all...} 18:31, 28 April 2008 (UTC)[reply]

That should start you off... The Rambling Man (talk) 19:24, 24 April 2008 (UTC)[reply]