Wikipedia:Peer review/David McCullough/archive1

David McCullough

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A script has been used to generate a semi-automated review of the article for issues relating to grammar and house style; it can be found on the automated peer review page for June 2008.

This peer review discussion has been closed.
I have completely re-written this article from scratch. I hope to get it up to a GA, help on anything would be much appreciated.

Thanks, Black ngold29 02:28, 20 June 2008 (UTC)[reply]

Brianboulton comments

Lead
- On the lead generally: it looks rather thin. It should be a summary of the whole article, as required by WP:LEAD
- It’s a little odd to see two former presidents (and the Brooklyn Bridge) described as "topics". Would "subjects" be more dignified?
- Although linked, it would be better if American Experience was described in the text as a documentary television series..

Early life and education
- Is there any explanation of the unusual middle name?
- "ranging from…" should not be followed by a simple list. I’d suggest that the "ranging from" wording should be altered to "including".
- "In 1951,he, as did his three brothers…" is a very awkward formulation
- I am a bit confused by the sentence which begins: "He served apprenticeships…" What does this mean? In Britain, apprenticeship is a long process; I take it that McCullough spent only a short time at the various places that you mention, as part of his degree studies. Can we have some clarifying details about these employments?
  - His word, not mine; he didn't say much about them. I added an internal link to the Apprecticeships in the US. Black ngold29 04:11, 26 June 2008 (UTC)[reply]
- "He would graduate…" should be "He graduated…"

Career section: the short preamble to this section is misplaced. The first two sentences belong in Early life. The graduation information we already have. The bit about not receiving any research training and learning the writing process while writing The Johnstown Floods is very odd, given that by that time he had spent a dozen years as a writer. I’d lose this confusing statement.
Early career
- Suggest "the recently formed…"
- "He would later be…" should be "He was later…"
- Suggest "working in (or at) various jobs…"
- You should specify that one of these "various jobs" was with the magazine American Heritage, before introducing this title.

Good news McCullough
- Poor choice of heading, I think
- Suggest "two new publishers offered him contracts…" (not "a contract")
- "…to advise Jimmy Carter and the United States Senate on the Panama Canal" seems a bit general. Presumably his advice was sought on some specific aspect of the canal?
- "Carter would later say…" Suggest "Carter later said…"

"History is about people"
- Again, an odd title choice, which appears to be not so much a quote as a misquote. I would recommend a rethink – it does not describe the section adequately.
- Delete comma after "fourth work" (first line)
- As the Brave Companions essays are still in print, presumably it would be right to say that they "include works about…", rather than included.
- Comma required after Truman ("Truman, about Harry S Truman…”
- I’m not sure that Sinise’s awards are relevant to this article
- "fastest-selling" requires a hyphen
- Paragraph break required at: "McCullough’s latest work…"
- Full stop, not comma, should follow "sequel to 1776"

The remaining sections seem OK. General point: in the article as a whole, McCullough has been presented entirely in relation to his works. Does he have a personality? Is he associated with other aspect of American life? There is no mention within the article of his 54-year marriage or anything else about his private life. These are big voids in a biographical article, which would benefit a great deal from some filling out of these details, to give a more rounded picture of the man.

I added some information on him and his family. Still, the section is a bit bare. If anyone knows anything else, that would be nice. Felicity12 (talk)

I hope that my suggestions are of some help.

Brianboulton (talk) 00:17, 25 June 2008 (UTC)[reply]

All suggestions have been addressed, with the exception of his family life. I will add this and include something about it in the intro, which should give that the proper length. Thank you! Black ngold29 05:57, 4 July 2008 (UTC)[reply]