Wikipedia:Peer review/Disturbed discography/archive1

Disturbed discography

• A script has been used to generate a semi-automated review of the article for issues relating to grammar and house style; it can be found on the automated peer review page for March 2009.

This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've listed this article for peer review because additional comments before a FLC—mainly regarding grammar issues—are much apreciated.

Thanks, Cannibaloki 21:31, 6 March 2009 (UTC)

Finetooth comments:

Lead

• "The album reached in the top 30" - Delete "in"?
  • Removed.
• "Since its release, The Sickness was certified quadruple platinum in the US " - It might be good to include a brief explanation for readers who don't know the jargon. Something like "Since its release, The Sickness was certified quadruple platinum, a measure of its high sales volume, in the US... ".
  • Reworded.
• "RIANZ" - Spelling this one out, Recording Industry Association of New Zealand (RIANZ), on first use would be good.
  • Added.
• "The song also received a music video directed by the Brothers Strause, but due to the similarities it had with the September 11 attacks, it was pulled from most television stations." - "Received" doesn't seem quite right, and the sentence has other problems. Perhaps flipping the sentence to active voice would help. Something like this might work: "A music video directed by the Brothers Strause included the song, but because scenes in the video resembled footage of the September 11 attacks, most television stations refused to play it."
  • Reworded.
• "documented on the live album of the same name" - I wouldn't advise linking "same name" to "Music as a Weapon II" in this way. This is known as an "Easter egg" link, one that surprises the reader, who has no idea why an explanation of same name would be needed.
  • Removed.
• "and reached only to the #148 position" - Delete "to"?
  • Removed.
• "in addition, also reached the top position of the Canadian and Australian charts." - Missing word? Maybe "... in addition, it also reached...".
  • Reworded.
• "a feat that has only been accomplished by six other bands, including Van Halen, U2, Metallica, Dave Matthews Band, Staind and System of a Down." - Tighten to "a feat that has only been accomplished by Van Halen, U2, Metallica, Dave Matthews Band, Staind and System of a Down"?
  • Reworded.
• One-sentence orphan paragraphs are generally frowned on. Perhaps the last paragraph could be expanded or, if not, merged with the one above it.
  • Merged.

Image

• The image and its license look OK to me.
  • Okay.

If you find these brief comments helpful, please consider reviewing another article, especially one from the PR backlog. That is where I found this one. Finetooth (talk) 16:26, 11 March 2009 (UTC)

Very helpful! Thank you very much. :) Cannibaloki 17:01, 11 March 2009 (UTC)