Wikipedia:Peer review/Gerhard Barkhorn/archive1

Gerhard Barkhorn

I've listed this article for peer review because I recently worked on the article, expanding and citing the content. In particular I need feedback on grammar and style.

Thanks, MisterBee1966 (talk) 10:13, 24 November 2020 (UTC)

Hi, I did a quick read of the article. Here's my comments so far:

• Don't mix your tenses, for example: "He makes his last two flights in Merseburg on 7 January 1940" (should be made)
• You can use fewer words here: "Barkhorn conducted a number of training flights with 4. Staffel" ("Barkhorn conducted many training flights with 4. Staffel")
• Everywhere you have used "a number of" can be simplified to "many"
• "Barkhorn flew further combat air patrols, most of them in the area.." > mostly in the area
• "without claiming a further aerial victory" > "without claiming any victories"
• Watch your tenses again: "Ten days later, he returns to the Eastern Front."
• "The following day, he increased his total number of aerial victories to 56" >> you probably don't need the word "total" here (check all instances of where you have used "total" and perhaps remove it)
• You've used "further" about 12 times. This is usually redundant and can be removed in some places
• "He was taken to a makeshift hospital installed at the Olympiapark Berlin." >> don't need 'installed'
• "The marriage produced three daughters" >> "They had three daughters together"
• "After some sobering up, they were still intoxicated." > perhaps remove this.. they were still intoxicated even if they were slightly sober!
• "Eventually returning to his unit the psychological damage and combat stress on Barkhorn became apparent" - might sound better as "When he returned to his unit, the psychological damage.."
• "when they were involved in a serious car accident which was not Barkhorn's fault." > "when they had a car crash. Barkhorn was found not to be at fault"

Here are some useful writing guides too: How to improve your writing and Removing fluff from your writing, thanks LM150 15:37, 15 December 2020 (UTC)