Wikipedia:Peer review/Glacier Peak/archive1

Glacier Peak

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A script has been used to generate a semi-automated review of the article for issues relating to grammar and house style; it can be found on the automated peer review page for January 2009.

This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've listed this article for peer review because I've brought it to GA status already. Not many more sources exist for it and I'd like to try and tighten the prose before I make it any more comprehensive, if that's possible (which I'm sure it can be, at least a little).

Thanks, Ceran^→//forge 03:27, 24 January 2009 (UTC)[reply]

Finetooth comments: This is an interesting article about a spectacular volcano. The illustrations are good, and their licenses look fine to me. I have reservations about the prose, and I've tried to address that specifically with most of my comments below. The prose quality varies widely from section to section, and I can't tell whether that is related to the source material, your particular interests, or something else. In addition commenting on the prose, I've suggested some possibilities for expansion and a slight re-organization of the sections.

Lead

"Lushootseed" - I'd wikilink this one to Lushootseed.
done.
"five major stratovolcanoes (composite)" - Suggestion: (composite volcanoes). I had to click on stratovolcanoes to see what "composite" referred to.
done.
"However, although it is not near civilization; after the most recent ice age, it has produced some of largest and most explosive eruptions in the state." - This sentence implies a logical connection between its distance from cities and its eruption frequency, but none exists. Suggestion: delete "However, although it is not near civilization" and start the sentence with "Since the most recent ice age... ".
done.
"During the current era, the mountain has erupted several times during each of its six episodes in the past 300 years." - Delete redundant "During the current era".
done.
"The volcano is considered a Pleistocene and Holocene age volcano." - "Age" is redundant. Also, wouldn't it make more sense to say something like, "The volcano formed during the Pleistocene, about XXX million years ago"? We already know it continued through the Holocene.
done.
"Being one of the major Washington volcanoes, the volcano has been—as others in its state have—long recognized by Native Americans in the area." - Repetition of "volcano", other redundancy. Suggestion: In their story-telling and history, Native Americans have long recognized Glacier Peak and other major Washington volcanoes.
done.
"Of course" - If a thing is "of course", it need not be pointed out with "of course". The middle of the sentence in which this phrase appears says it all. Suggestion: "When European-American explorers reached the region, they learned about the volcanoes partly from native legends."
done.
"is rather short, and only appears to be a tip from a distance" - "Rather" is a weasel. Suggestion: "is short, and only its tip is visible from Seattle" (or wherever you mean)
done.
"Nevertheless, Glacier Peak is one of the most active" - I think you're putting "nevertheless" in here to improve the prose flow, but it implies a logical connection between volcanic activity and the distance from Seattle. I think a slightly rough flow would be preferable, and I'd just delete "nevertheless".
done.
"Glacier Peak is one of the most active of Washington's volcanoes—when continental ice sheets retreated from the region, Glacier Peak began to erupt regularly, for a volcano. Now, it has erupted repeatedly during at least six periods; and twice these eruptions have been among the greatest in Washington, respectively." - Suggestion: Put a terminal period where the em dash is. Start the next sentence with capital "W". Remove the vague "Now". The third sentence could read, "It has erupted repeatedly during at least six periods, and two of these have been among the greatest in Washington".
done.

History

"a spirit of some type" - Delete "some type", which is a weasel. An alternative approach to simple deletion would be to add specific data. Weasel terms often suggest possibilities for expansion in which the unknown is turned into the known. I might say the same about "many Native Americans". How many? Which tribes? Which volcano stories? What did the stories say?
"including their literature" - Is "literature" the right word? Did any of the natives create a body of written prose or poetry?
"the local people hosted Glacier Peak" - "Hosted" is not the right word. "Described" would be better.
Literature would also be considered storytelling, and that is what I intended here. I'll replace that with story-telling, otherwise, I'm kind of short on sources.

Geographical setting

"at a rate of 4 cm (1.6 in) per year" - MOSNUM suggests spelling out the primary unit. If you turn off the |abbr parameter, the problem will be fixed.

"between 42-55 million years old" - Suggestion: "between 55 and 42 million years old" since geological ranges often appear as older-younger, and the hyphen doesn't scan as well as words.
done.
"Within the range, two sections are named: the High Cascades and the Western Cascades. However, the vents in Washington are of all different ages so this region is not included in either of the sections." - If no connection exists between the sections and the volcanoes, it might be better to either explain this further or not mention it. I'd be curious to know why the two sections are so named and why the volcano ages automatically exclude them from being classified by section. The meaning of "so" is not apparent. This is another possibility for expansion.
done.

Eruptive history

The prose is suddenly much better in this section.
"These eruptions varied in outcome; some produced lahars, some pyroclastic flows, and others lava domes." - I'd wikilink lahars, pyroclastic flows, and lava domes on first use rather than later in the article.
Done. If you un-italicized lahar, please keep it that way as it is an Indonesian term. (Italicize foriegn terms=MOS)

Geology

I'd think about moving this up into the "Geographical setting" section and changing the section name to "Geology". It seems to me that the plate tectonics text and illustration belong in "Geology". I'd also consider moving this combined section above "History" since the actual chronology is geology first, history second.
Done.

Recreation

This section needs expansion. What about mountain climbing, for instance? Is this a good place for cross-country skiing? Camping? Wildlife observation?
"passes near by Glacier Peak" - Either "near" or "by" but not both

I'll get back to this section, found a couple more possible sources.

Images

Walter Siegmund's photos are terrific, and the others are fine too. The licenses look fine to me. Image:Glacier Peak.jpg needs to be moved away from the heading. The Manual of Style says, "Do not place left-aligned images directly below a subsection-level heading (=== or lower), as this sometimes disconnects the heading from the text that follows it. This can often be avoided by shifting left-aligned images down a paragraph or two."

If you find these comments helpful, please consider reviewing another article, especially one from the PR backlog. Finetooth (talk) 19:32, 27 January 2009 (UTC)[reply]

Thanks a lot! Ceran^→//forge 11:58, 28 January 2009 (UTC)[reply]