Wikipedia:Peer review/Heidi Game/archive1

Heidi Game

This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've listed this article for peer review because… imagine you're watching football on a Sunday afternoon and just as Daryle Lamonica prepares to lead his team, which is losing by three points, down the field with a minute remaining in the game, the feed is cut and replaced with a little girl on a Swiss mountain preempting you of a thrilling conclusion to the game. Not working for you? Perhaps the blown switchboards, jammed telephones and confusion behind the scenes is more of your cup of tea then. Wehwalt and I have reworked the article extensively as it has a mixture of both football and TV which we hope will appeal to everyone in one way or another. Our plan is to take it to FAC and we would appreciate any and all feedback before doing so.

Thanks, The Writer 2.0 ^Talk 10:53, 26 August 2011 (UTC)

Brianboulton comments: Here is some stuff to be getting on with, on the lead and first section. More will follow:-

Lead

• the host Oakland Raiders" → "the hosts Oakland Raiders"
• Overlong and overcomplicated sentence: "It is well-remembered for the exciting finish, as Oakland scored two touchdowns in the final minute to overcome a 32–29 New York lead, and for the fact that the winning scores were not seen by much of the country, as NBC had broken away from the game to begin the television film, Heidi at 7 p.m. in the Eastern Time Zone." Rewording is necessary; "well-remembered" is an awkward adjective; touchdown needs a link; by "the country" I think you mean the TV audience; NBC needs to be spelt out at first mention. I suggest somethink like this: "It is memorable for an exciting finish, when Oakland scored two touchdowns in the final minute to overcome a 32–29 New York lead. However, much of the television audience was unaware of the final result, because the National Broadcasing Company (NBC) had broken away from the game to begin the television film, Heidi at 7 p.m. in the Eastern Time Zone".
• "NBC executives had ordered that Heidi must begin on time, but given the exciting game, they changed their minds". Saying "they changed their minds" isn't specific enough. They "decided to postpone the start of the film and continue their coverage of the game".
• Rather than "As they did so" I'd say "As 7 p.m. approached..."
• "NBC installed telephones, known as Heidi phones, which were connected to a different telephone exchange than other network phones, for use in similar emergencies." It is not clear from this what use these "Heidi" phones were put to.
• The last sentences have nothing to do with the subject of this article. You might mention these later results as part of a brief aftermath, but they are not significant enough (in relation to this article) to be in the lead.

Football

• "...began play in 1960". Is is American English? To me, this should be either "to play" or playing"
• "so much so that" reads oddly when it is emphasising a lack of success. "To the extent that" might be better.
• "Although the two teams did not play in the same division..." yet the rest of this paragraph describes them playing each other aparently on a regular basis. How come?

The original AFL had eight teams and a fourteen game schedule; so that was home and away against everyone. By 1966, there were ten teams split into two five team divisions, so you played your four divisional rivals twice each, one (rotating) team in the other division home and away, and the remaining teams in the other division once.--Wehwalt (talk) 21:49, 27 August 2011 (UTC)

I have a reference that may help from Don Maynard's You Can't Catch Sunshine: "each AFL team played every other team in the league twice a year."

• "would be" → "was"
• "The ill-feeling of the prior years..."; "of previous years..." This is another of those sentences that needs some severe ce attention. At present it rambles on and on.
• "Ewbank also blamed Davis..." What had Ewbank previously blamed Davis for?

Brianboulton (talk) 21:13, 27 August 2011 (UTC)

Appreciate the comments Brian, looking forward to more! -- The Writer 2.0 ^Talk 23:34, 27 August 2011 (UTC)

I think that between TW2.0 and me, we have addressed the comments to date, though perhaps not quite using the same words. Brian, when you resume, could you again look at the lede and ensure it is satisfactory?

Lede looks OK now, and the other stuff, too. I'll march on with the rest now. Brianboulton (talk) 20:33, 28 August 2011 (UTC)

Continuing...

Television

Not much in this section. Just:-

• Some overlong sentences, e.g. "For this game, the Burbank BOC was to receive the feed from Oakland, insert commercials and network announcements, and send the modified feed via telephone wire to a switching station west of Chicago near the Mississippi River where an engineer was stationed to activate the Oakland feed into the full network when the game began, to cut it on instruction and then to return to his base."
• "New York-area" leaves something to be desired as a geographical indicator
• "The Buffalo Bills at San Diego Chargers game": can a game be "at" another team? I suspect this is some kind of football shorthand, but it reads strangely.

Football action

I will largely have to let this section pass because I don't have sufficient football knowledge to query iT. A few minor quibbles:-

• "48 yard pass" (and many similar): should this form have a hyphen ("48-yard pass") when it is used adjectivally? You do have "50-yard touchdown pass" later on.
• You have used numerics for "1 yard touchdown" and "3 yard pass" etc, yet we have "five seconds remaining" and "two-point conversion". What is the rationale?
• Pipe link gave the jeering crowd the finger

Television and decisions

• The first paragraph, which explains why the game overran, needs a short introduction and/or rearrangement of content.
• Some of the prose is laborious, e.g. "Promising Cline a return call, Connal began trying to reach Lindemann. He was successful in doing so, by telephone". This could be "After promising Cline a return call, Connal reached Lindemann by telephone."
• Some details seem a little inconsequential, e.g. "Although both of the NBC president's telephone lines at his home were initially busy..." Why do we need to know this?

TV reaction

• "...Goodman called a BOC phone whose number was not part of NBC's CIrcle-7 exchange (which blew a fuse 26 times in an hour), to which only he knew the number." I found this difficult to fathom. How about: "Goodman called a BOC phone to which only he knew the number and which was not part of NBC's CIrcle-7 exchange (which blew a fuse 26 times in an hour)."?
• "...about the missing ending of the football game". I find that "...ing ...ing" rarely works well. DBesides which, the ending wasn't "missing", it was the people that missed it. So "...about missing the end of the football game."
• Could we say "co-announcer" or some such, rather than "partner", which sounds as though the pair were living together?
• I'm not sure that one can say tht the network turned the fiasco into a "success". You could say that it turned it to advantage by the subsequent self-mockery
• I don't think #6 should be in the text, meaning "sixth", and the sentence is not fully grammatical

Football events

• "snafu" is non-encyclopedic slang. You might just as well say "balls-up", "cock-up" or similar.
• "The Jets left their white road uniforms in Oakland..." etc. What has this to do with the Heidi game?
• "...he received a telephone call from his wife in the locker room..." Definitely ambiguous!
• "While in California, the Jets wrote to Mel Hein, AFL supervisor of officials, complaining that an official had used profane language to Hudson, provoking a response which led to his expulsion." Clarify who was expelled, and from what. You should also clarify what, precisely, the various fines were imposed for.
• "...However, the AFL did reassign..." → "The AFL reassigned..." (it's not a "however" sentence)
• In my view there is too much detail on the subsequent Shea Stadium Jets v. Raiders game. This goes way beyond the supposed focus of this article.

That seems to be it. Good luck with the article. As I find it impossible to watch all my peer review articles, please contact my talkpage if you wish to raise anything with me or if you would like me to look again. Brianboulton (talk) 22:40, 28 August 2011 (UTC)

Thank you for the review. TW2.0, this is mostly for you, I guess:

I think we should cut back the AFL championship stuff to the score and the bizarro ending. I think we leave in the uniforms, we are entitled to trace the ill feeling between the two teams, which is part of the story. I guess for consistency's sake we need to go with hyphens. I suggest "broadcast partner" instead of partner.--Wehwalt (talk) 23:09, 28 August 2011 (UTC)