Wikipedia:Peer review/Jafar Panahi/archive1

Jafar Panahi

This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've listed this article for peer review because it is the article that I would like to see featured above all others and I think it is important.

Thanks, Deoliveirafan (talk) 19:55, 28 December 2012 (UTC)

• Just a passing comment, but consider breaking the sections "Early Life", "White Balloon", "The Mirror" and "Offside" into more paragraphs; having one very large paragraph makes it difficult on readers. Thanks for your work on this one! -- Khazar2 (talk) 14:44, 3 January 2013 (UTC)

 Doing... Please poke me on my talk page if I haven't added comments within a day or two. Der Wohltemperierte Fuchs^(talk) 16:29, 22 January 2013 (UTC)

Awesome. I feel very strongly about this page and would like to do anything I can to improve it. Thank you very much.--Deoliveirafan (talk) 02:52, 23 January 2013 (UTC)

Ok, here's my comments on a pass of the article. For background, I know absolutely nothing about most foreign films in general, Iranian films in particular, so I'm approaching the subject with no foreknowledge.

• The lead begs questions of how Panahi can co-direct a film while being imprisoned, unless it was produced before the ban.
  • I guess that could be clarified. It was made secretly and illegally.
• Kind of odd we mention his first book at age ten and then jump back a year for the film content in the next paragraph ("Early life" section.)
  • Its also a bit awkward because the second and third paragraphs in that section deal with Panahi's interest in filmmaking specifically, but I could find a pace to put it in there without disturbing the flow.
• Is there anything relevant to Panahi during the revolution? Seems like there's a bit of a gap in the article, going from late childhood and then skipping his teens entirely.
  • I agree, and the biggest problem has been finding content. As far as I know there are no full biographies about Panahi's life. Until I find something there's not much I can do.
• The "other work" section feels like a laundry list without context. Perhaps more could be added to flesh out these minor works and they could be better integrated chronologically into the article?
  • Yes but its set up so that each feature film has its own section. I think if anything I'd rather expand that section to also include information about work that Panahi has done on other people's films.
• Not all the critics and organizations seem to be properly referenced in regards to who fought for his freedom from imprisonment.
  • I never really worked on that section very much, it was pretty big when I first started working on this page. I'll check these references.
• The section on responses to his imprisonment feel a bit disjointed; they can probably be better condensed and summarized rather than a blow-by-blow sequence of events.
  • Same as above. Either I or a copy editor can fix this up.
• The biggest stumbling block for the article is the prose. I'm going to assume that English is not your first language; for the most part the grammar is correct, but the article feels a bit stilted and it's hard to read. I will see what I can do but you probably also want to get someone else involved as well, perhaps from the WP:GOCE.
  • We're all entitled to our opinions. Cheerio o matie!

Otherwise, I think the article covers most important aspects adequately and I didn't feel lost or that there wasn't enough explanation. I didn't take a heavy look at the sources as of yet but I will attempt to do that when I do a line edit. On a glance some of the references gave me pause; as undoubtably many of the sources are foreign-related you might need to give them more justification as to why they are WP:RS. I don't watchlist peer reviews, so if you want me to respond to something just ping me on my talk. Thanks, Der Wohltemperierte Fuchs^(talk) 15:12, 24 January 2013 (UTC)

• • Thank you.--Deoliveirafan (talk) 18:13, 26 January 2013 (UTC)