Wikipedia:Peer review/Jayne Mansfield/archive3

Jayne Mansfield

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This peer review discussion has been closed.
After long hard work this is nearing the quality of a featured article now. Please, provide review on anything that may improve the article. Reviewing work that you lived with for a long time is difficult. Therefore, this needs needs community intervention.

Thanks, Aditya^{(talk • contribs)} 13:07, 6 August 2012 (UTC)[reply]

Comments by Sarastro1
I'm afraid this article is some way from FA level. The prose is choppy and uncomfortable, and there is far too much detail. I'm not sure that Peer Review is the best place for this article at the moment, and to be honest, I'm not even sure it is GA level. A first step is to find a good copy-editor, maybe at WP:GOCE, and cut back some of the text. Then it needs to flow better and remove any redundancy. I have only read up until the end of Early life and education, but found even that short section to be hard work to read. Here are some general comments on what I read.

The article is very long for someone with so short a life and career. Currently it is 10,416 words, and I'm sure it could be cut right back. I'm sure the same story could be told in around 6-7,000 words.
There seems to be far too much detail, and even in the lead there is plenty of repetition.
The lead is too long. WP:LEAD states that a lead should be no more than 4 paragraphs. Also, I'm not too sure why references are needed in the lead, as everything within the lead should be cited in the main article, and only quotes really need a reference here.
In the short section of the article I have read, there is a lot of redundancy in the prose. For example, "Mansfield was 20th Century Fox's alternative Marilyn Monroe and came to be known as the "Working Man's Monroe". She was also known for her well-publicized personal life and publicity stunts" makes the same points twice, and could be cut back: "Mansfield became known as the "Working Man's Monroe". Her personal life attracted enormous publicity, as did her attention seeking behaviour."
"Mansfield became a major Broadway star in 1955, a major Hollywood star in 1956, and a leading celebrity in 1957.": Too much: cut back to "Mansfield became a star first on Broadway, then in Hollywood, and by 1957 was a leading celebrity."
"She was one of Hollywood's original blonde bombshells,[2] and although many people have never seen her movies, Mansfield remains one of the most recognizable icons of 1950s celebrity culture.": Too much for the lead.
"With the decrease of the demand for big-breasted blonde bombshells and the increase in the negative backlash against her over-publicity, she became a box-office has-been by the end of the 1960s. Her career declined first to low-budget foreign movies and major Las Vegas nightclub dates; then to television guest appearances; next to touring plays and minor Las Vegas nightclub dates; and finally ended in small nightclub dates": Cut back to: "By the mid-1960s, her career was effectively over, and she was reduced to appearing in low-budget foreign films and Las Vegas nightclubs."
The 3rd paragraph is far, far too detailed for a lead. It could be cut back to a generic couple of sentences.
"By the early 1960s, Mansfield's box office popularity had declined and Hollywood studios lost interest in her." The lead has already said this, then the rest of this paragraph is again just a list of films, which could be cut.
"Mansfield was married three times, first to her public relations professional Paul Mansfield (married 1950–1958), second to actor–bodybuilder Mickey Hargitay (married 1958–1963), and third to film director Matt Cimber (married 1964–1966). She had five children: Jayne Marie Mansfield (born 1950), Miklós Jeffrey Palmer Hargitay (born 1958), Zoltán Anthony Hargitay (born 1960), actress Mariska Magdolna Hargitay (born 1964) and Antonio "Tony" Cimber (born 1965).": Change to: "Mansfield was married three times: to her public relations professional Paul Mansfield, to actor–bodybuilder Mickey Hargitay and to film director Matt Cimber. She had five children."
Factual error? "Vera Jayne's father, Elmer E Palmer, was from the largely Cornish area of Pen Argyl…": Surely Vera Jeffery?
Is the ancestral information really necessary?
"As a child she wanted to be a Hollywood star ~~like Shirley Temple like many other young girls of her time.~~[14][15][16]": Why does this sentence need 3 references?
Lots of sentences begin in similar fashion: "In [year]….:, "She…", or follow a simple "noun/pronoun verb". This is a little simple for FA level, and should flow better. The prose is very choppy and makes for hard reading.
"After marriage, Jayne and Paul enrolled into Southern Methodist University to study acting, where lacking finances to afford day care, carried around her daughter Jayne Marie.": Something missing from this sentence for it to make sense.
Several more examples here of 3 or 4 references to back up a sentence; not only does this look very unattractive, it seems excessive when only one fact is being given.
"The Curtain Club was a happening campus theatrical society at that time": "Happening" is unencyclopedic.

There are plenty of similar examples throughout the article, just from a quick glance, but these would be a good starting point. I do not watch peer reviews, but let me know if I can be of any further help. Sarastro1 (talk) 20:15, 24 August 2012 (UTC)[reply]