Wikipedia:Peer review/John Brownlee sex scandal/archive1

John Brownlee sex scandal

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A script has been used to generate a semi-automated review of the article for issues relating to grammar and house style; it can be found on the automated peer review page for February 2009.

This peer review discussion has been closed.
This article just underwent an excellent GA review, and I'd like to take it to featured status. I don't think it's too far away, but in my experience my articles can always benefit from some more reviewers, if only to tell me that my sentences are too long and I use too many parentheticals. As well, I'm wondering if the article's current title is the best one; other possibilities include MacMillan v. Brownlee, replacing "sex" with seduction and/or replacing "scandal" with "affair" or something...you see where this is going. Anyway, all comments welcome. Sarcasticidealist (talk) 02:04, 13 February 2009 (UTC)[reply]

Finetooth comments: This is a fascinating and well-written article. I think you are right in thinking that it's almost ready for FAC. I have just a few suggestions for further improvement, and they shouldn't be troublesome.

Title

Would MacMillan-Brownlee sex scandal be better, more neutral? Or Brownlee-MacMillan sex scandal?

Subheads

The Manual of Style advises against repeating the words of the title in the section heads and subheads. How about using "Genesis" for the first section head and "Her story" and "His story" for the next two?

Lead

"Brownlee was accused of seducing Vivian MacMillan, a secretary for his government and family friend... " - This is a bit ambiguous since she wasn't a secretary for a family friend. Suggestion: "Brownlee was accused of seducing Vivian MacMillan, a family friend and a secretary for the provincial attorney-general in Brownlee's government... "
"This award was affirmed the Judicial Committee of the British Privy Council, at the time Canada's highest court of appeal." - Suggested slight change: "This award was affirmed the Judicial Committee of the British Privy Council, Canada's highest court of appeal at the time".

Genesis of the scandal

"as the leader of the United Farmers of Alberta's parliamentary caucus" - It's a nitpick, but I think "as the leader of the parliamentary caucus of the United Farmers of Alberta" would avoid the double "s" and scan a little better.
"a number of successes, chief among them" - Suggestion: "success, including"
"Forces were advocating radical overhauls of the financial system, such as socialism and government ownership of the means of production (advocated by the Co-operative Commonwealth Federation and elements of the UFA's grassroots) and social credit (advocated in differing forms and with differing levels of enthusiasm by William Aberhart's new provincial movement, the Alberta Liberal Party, and many within the UFA)." - Parentheticals aren't always bad, but I think this would be more clear as follows: "Forces were advocating radical overhauls of the financial system. The Co-operative Commonwealth Federation and elements of the UFA's grassroots favored socialism and government ownership of the means of production, while William Aberhart's new provincial movement, the Alberta Liberal Party, and many within the UFA favored social credit, although in differing forms and with differing levels of enthusiasm."

Vivian MacMillan's story

"Immediately after her arrival in Edmonton, Brownlee had telephoned her—commenting that "a little birdie" had told him that she was in town—and invited her to his home to meet his family, and that she soon became a regular visitor there." - Although it's pretty clear from context that she is making this claim, it would probably be good to make this explicit. Suggestion: "Immediately after her arrival in Edmonton, she said, Brownlee had telephoned... " I know it would be awkward to insert "she said," "she claimed", "she alleged" into every sentence of her story, but a few more reminders that these are her claims rather than established fact wouldn't hurt.
"In October 1930, while Brownlee was driving her home after one such visit, she alleged that the premier took her hand..." - She didn't allege it in October 1930. Perhaps this would work: "She alleged that in October 1930, while... ".
"The next week on another ride home, a similar conversation ensued, this one culminating in Brownlee forcing a resisting MacMillan into the car's back seat where he partially penetrated her against her will." - I'd certainly add a "she said" reminder to this sentence.
"expressed concern after about becoming pregnant" - Delete "after"?
"MacMillan's story ran that during the summer of 1932 she experienced a nervous breakdown (for which Florence Brownlee paid the hospital bills), and that soon after she met and fell in love with Caldwell." - Suggestion: MacMillan said that during the summer of 1932 she experienced a nervous breakdown (for which Florence Brownlee paid the hospital bills) and that she met and fell in love with Caldwell soon after.

John Brownlee's story

He said that there had been no sexual activity between him and MacMillan—likening their relationship instead to that of an uncle and his favourite niece—and, to claims that he had arranged for MacMillan to move from Edmonton and arranged a position for her in the Attorney General's office, asserted "in the thirteen years I have been in public life I have never promised any person in this Province a position." - Too complex. I'd break this one up. A full stop after "favourite niece" would do it if the next sentence read: "To claims ... he asserted...".
"MLA " - Spell out and abbreviate on first use. Or did I miss the first one?

Trial

"Additional witnesses for the defence included Brownlee's personal secretary, Civil Service Commissioner Frederick Smailes (who, while he acknowledged knowing at the time of MacMillan's hiring that she was acquainted with Brownlee, denied involvement on Brownlee's part in the decision to hire her), and four legislature janitors (who denied ever seeing a young woman enter the premier's office in the evenings)" - Here's another sentence I'd consider simplifying by division.

Legacy

"Alvin Finkel has criticized Foster for being too friendly towards Brownlee, saying that he does not consider the scandal sufficiently... " - Should that be "did not consider"?

Images

These look fine to me and so do the licenses.

I hope these comments prove helpful. If so, please consider reviewing another article, especially one from the PR backlog. That is where I found this one. Finetooth (talk) 07:40, 19 February 2009 (UTC)[reply]

Comments from Ealdgyth (talk · contribs)

You said you wanted to know what to work on before taking to FAC, so I looked at the sourcing and referencing with that in mind. I reviewed the article's sources as I would at FAC. The sourcing looks good.

Hope this helps. Please note that I don't watchlist Peer Reviews I've done. If you have a question about something, you'll have to drop a note on my talk page to get my attention. (My watchlist is already WAY too long, adding peer reviews would make things much worse.) 02:32, 1 March 2009 (UTC)