Wikipedia:Peer review/Katipunan/archive1

Katipunan

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This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've listed this article for peer review because I am planning this to nominate for GA, or possibly, as FA. I've cleaned some mess, fixed refs and citations, and added some facts especially expanding the article. Though the lower part is not yet fully finished, I want to know what weak points does the article have, or points for expansion. I am not very familiar with MOS, but MOS points are also welcome.

Thanks, JL 09^{Talk to me!} 09:28, 22 August 2009 (UTC)[reply]

Done Ricardiana (talk) 15:16, 30 August 2009 (UTC)[reply]

Lead

" Filipino anti-Spanish people" - I think this would read better as "anti-S Filipino"
"which was aimed" --> "which aimed"
"sentenced to banished" --> "to be banished"
"its discovery in 1896 that" --> I think a comma followed by "which" would be better than "that" here, in the interests of breaking up the sentence
"The word "katipunan" (literally means association)" - when you give the meaning of a word in parentheses, you don't need to explain what you're doing; you can just put the translation in parentheses. Also, "came" in this sentence should be "come," as this is still true.
In the rest of that paragraph, I'm not sure you need to give the name in three languages as you've already done that in the info box. maybe I'm wrong, but I don't think you should repeat any of the info in the info box.
I'm seeing switches in tense from present to past. If a statement is still true, it should be in the present tense. I'm not going to keep mentioning this, but this is a pervasive problem.
"not later then" - I am not sure what this means.
"to his sister the mother portress" - there should be a comma between sister and the
"the wrong turn of history" - not sure what this refers to yet, and in any case it sounds too POV.
"that started Philippine Revolution." --> "the Philippine"

Ricardiana (talk) 16:34, 30 August 2009 (UTC)[reply]

More comments (my apologies for the delay):

"Marcelo H. del Pilar, another leader of the Propaganda Movement in Spain..." - too many clauses in this sentence.
"La Liga dies, and the Katipunan rises" - doesn't need to be in italics
The sections in the body of the article tend to be quite short - overly so.
Paragraphs, too, tend to be overly short - sometimes only a few sentences.
Avoid lists.
"The Sanggunian also have its councilors, called Kasanguni, which, the number may vary through presidencies" - subject/verb agreement; also, the "which" is unnecessary. Can be "...called kasanguni; the number...".
Although you list a number of sources, many paragraphs lack citations, primarily towards the end of the article.

I hope these comments are helpful. I apologize again for the delay. Best, Ricardiana (talk) 02:40, 2 September 2009 (UTC)[reply]

Hello Ricardiana. Thanks for the grammar review. I've revised all what you advised here, and I think the article needs a lot of improvements, though.--JL 09 ^_q?_{_c} 12:23, 4 September 2009 (UTC)[reply]