Wikipedia:Peer review/Nathan Drake (character)/archive2

Nathan Drake (character)

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This peer review discussion has been closed.
This article has failed multiple Featured Article nominations; I feel like its close, but it just needs that extra push to gain support for FA. That being said, I would appreciate any comments that would work toward that goal, basically, I want to take care of any problems before I even consider nominating it again. かんぱい！ Scapler (talk) 07:13, 8 September 2010 (UTC)[reply]

Since most of the issues have been regarding 1a (prose), I'm just going to perform my own copyedits and respond here with queries that require a deeper understanding. Der Wohltemperierte Fuchs^(talk) 21:49, 9 September 2010 (UTC)[reply]
- Much appreciated! かんぱい！ Scapler (talk) 21:55, 9 September 2010 (UTC)[reply]
Dead link needs resolution. ResMar 21:25, 13 September 2010 (UTC)[reply]

Comments by Jappalang

Lede

"... who influenced the character ..."
Influenced the character's what (since a video game character has no sentience to be influenced)?

"To encourage players to relate to the character, the designers gave Drake an "everyman" persona and clothed him in t-shirt and jeans."
Please rephrase. The current sentence makes it a fact that clothing a character in t-shirt and jeans would encourage players to relate to the character. This is just their goal, not a fact; i.e. "Aiming to ..."

"Drake possesses a strong personality, and often jokes and quips during the game."
Suggestion: "Drake is given a strong personality that is prone to making jokes and quips in the games."

Character design

Start off by stating what is Uncharted and what the team wants out of its protagonist.

"... through his reactions with the environment ..."
I believe it would be "interactions", not "reactions".

"To do this, they developed ..."
"To do this" is redundant, especially if the previous sentence was ended with a semi-colon...

"... allowing him to display reactions and ~~his~~ a snarky disposition in context."
What is a "snarky disposition in context"?

"... if a reaction did not work as planned, or took too long, the production team removed it."
Suggestion: "... they removed any animation that produced effects contrary to their intent or that took a lot of time."

"The blended animation system in the game, with more than 30 animations comprising one movement, was implemented to make Drake a more relatable character."
The concept that it would be easier to relate to a smoothly animated character does not make sense to me.

"The Naughty Dog staff looked to several sources in creating Drake."
Is "references" meant instead? Sources could mean the staff went to those people and asked for their opinions in making a video game character.

:Series writer Amy Hennig described Drake as a gritty, charming mixture of actors Harrison Ford and Bruce Willis, continuing that influence came from romantic action-adventure heroes, including Cary Grant:"
Somehow, "... continuing that influence came ..." does not read well to me here...

"E. Daniel Arey, former Naughty Dog creative director, ..."
Why was he "former" when the character was created?

"Neil Druckmann, lead designer of Uncharted 2: Among Thieves, explained that Drake was meant to react to situations in the manner that the average player might."
Different people have different opinions. Druckman's perception of the behaviour of an average player is his perception not a fact. I would suggest: "Neil Druckmann, lead designer of Uncharted 2: Among Thieves, said they made Drake react to situations in a manner similar to what they believed the average player would do."

Personality

"Drake has a strong personality;"
What is a "strong personality"? The subsequent sentences do not seem to elaborate on this either.

"North was told to bring his own personality to the character while voice acting."
Suggestion: "Drake's voice actor, North, was instructed to imbue his own personality into the character."

Outward appearance

"Drake's outward appearance is fairly generic, consisting of a simple white shirt and pants in the first game, and a darker shirt in the second. He was deliberately costumed simply in a t-shirt and jeans to provide a "blank slate" on which the everyman persona could be imposed."
I believe I had read this earlier in Character design.

"Half-tuck", "three-quarters-tuck", it seems only the game developers notice these things. Does anybody else care how Drake wear his shirts? It seems rather amazing for this self-introspection to warrant an entire paragraph (WP:UNDUE)...

Appearances

"Drake realizes that the idol is cursed, and turned the Spanish and Kriegsmarine searching for it into zombified monsters."
Drake has powers to turn people into zombies?

Somehow I think the Appearances are just "copies" of the plot sections of the games (especially since Drake is the protagonist). I think it would be better if possible to rewrite them, focusing on the character's actions and situations that made him appeal to (or disliked by) the reviewers.

Merchandise and promotion

There is a lack of encyclopaedic context (importance) to this section; it could be due to the way it is written. I could easily just say "so what?" How does the advertising and a toy of Drake's gun relate to this character's notability? Is "action figure" not a better and more understood term than "urban vinyl toy" (do we want readers to remain confuse or to wander off to that urban vinyl article and forget about this Drake)? Were the figures all sold out? How does "it appears there's Drake, Hellboy Drake, Berlin Nightclub Drake and Radioactive Drake" relate to reviewers' lack of enthusiasm over the toys (and why "reviewers" when only a Kotaku blogger is cited)?

Critical reception

"Comparing Drake to a similar character, ..."
Leon S. Kennedy is another "'lovable jerk' who is 'light, flippant, and just plain fun'"?

"Drake's attractiveness has been cited as an example of a character who [...] was not designed to be a sex object."
"Attractiveness" is not a video game "character"...

I think there is an overwhelming use of quotes that, seriously, could be pared down. Summarise the reviewers' opinions, using one or two of the more outstanding quotes. Throwing a flood of them makes it a corny read—not really encylopaedic.

Overall, I think there is justification in the previous FACs that this article does need copy-editing (in prose and structure). Jappalang (talk) 09:39, 16 September 2010 (UTC)[reply]