Wikipedia:Peer review/Obsidian Entertainment/archive1

Obsidian Entertainment

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This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've listed this article for peer review because I would like to push it to GAN and I would like to hear more comments on how to improve the article before doing so.

Thanks, AdrianGamer (talk) 14:40, 28 September 2015 (UTC)[reply]

Comments by The1337gamer
Lead

First sentence "is an American role-playing video game developer". The tank game Armored Warfare isn't an RPG. Maybe change to just "is an American video game developer", then mention later in the lead that the majority of their work is on RPGs.
First sentence says "founded in 2003" then second sentence ends with "in 2003". Kind of redundant mentioning foundation year twice in the first 2 sentences.
First sentence mentions Interplay/Black Isle, the second sentence lists the founders of Obsidian. You should probably highlight that the founders are former Interplay/Black Isle Studios employees in the lead. Someone unfamiliar with the company might not make that connection, and wonder why Interplay/Black Isle being mentioned in the opening sentence.
Second paragraph: Neverwinter Nights II → Neverwinter Nights 2, official and common stylisation
Third paragraph: "including Futureblight, Dwarves, Alien: Crucible and North Carolina was cancelled" → "including Futureblight, Dwarves, Alien: Crucible and North Carolina were cancelled"
Third paragraph: "Project Eternity" → "Pillars of Eternity", official and common name.
Third paragraph: "The team's focus changes from developing license titles to original titles". Should this be past tense? i.e. changed rather than changes. Should probably also be licensed rather than license.

History#Prior to founding

"Most of these games are critical and commercial success". Probably should be past tense. Reword to something like "Most of these games were critically and commercially successful"
"but Interplay financial situation was not great at that time" → "but Interplay's financial situation was not great at that time"
"and the license to Dungeons & Dragons was lost". Maybe mention before this part that Baldur's Gate, Icewind Dale, and Planescape were licensed D&D games.

History#2003–06

First paragraph: "In 2003, right after the company's establishment, there are seven employees," → "In 2003, right after the company's establishment, there were seven employees,"
First paragraph: "The list includes names like 'Scorched Earth' and 'Three Clown Software'." → "The list included names like 'Scorched Earth' and 'Three Clown Software'."
Second paragraph: "Upon its establishment, the founders needs more capital" → "Upon its establishment, the founders needed more capital"
Second paragraph: "They needed to gain support from various publishers. The company approached Electronic Arts..." Merge these two sentences, cut "various", something like "The company needed to gain support from publishers, so they approached Electronic Arts..."
Second paragraph: "The company approached Electronic Arts for a project that Urquhart personally forgot about" – I'd cut the "that Urquhart personally forgot about", it doesn't tell us anything useful and just raises more questions.
Second paragraph: "They ended up not making the game..." → "They ended up not making a Might & Magic game...", additional clarity as the previous sentence mentions an EA project also.
Second paragraph: "The company later turned to Take-Two Interactive" → "Obsidian later turned to Take-Two Interactive" as Arkane is mentioned in the previous sentence, it might confuse the reader thinking into that Arkane approached Take-Two.
Third paragraph: "LucasArts rejected that ideas" → "LucasArts rejected that idea"
Third paragraph: "a follow-up to the 2004's BioWare-developed Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic" → "a follow-up to the 2004 BioWare-developed Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic"
Fifth paragraph: "Prior to the official launch of The Sith Lords, the company was approached by another company, Atari Inc.," → "Prior to the official launch of The Sith Lords, Obsidian was approached by Atari Inc.,"
Fifth paragraph: "Neverwinter Nights II" → "Neverwinter Nights 2", official and common stylisation
Fifth paragraph: "While they are developing the game, the team's size grew to about 50 people" → "While they were developing the game, the team's size grew to about 50 people"
Fifth paragraph: No citation for NWN2 critical success and two expansions.
Sixth paragraph: "The change of CEO led Disney to head to a completely different direction, not only making the franchise "untouchable", as well as cancelling the project." This whole sentence reads weirdly. Reword to something like "The change of CEO shifted Disney's focus and direction, resulting in the cancellation of the project and ultimately making the Snow White franchise "untouchable"."
Sixth paragraph: "According to Urquhart, the team loved the game, and that its cancellation was a "heartbreaking" experience for them.". Remove comma and "that": "According to Urquhart, the team loved the game and its cancellation was a "heartbreaking" experience for them."

History#2007–15

First paragraph: "Electronic Arts hoped that they can develop a role-playing video game that can compete with The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion" → "Electronic Arts hoped that they could develop a role-playing video game to compete with The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion"
First paragraph: "Sega was the third publisher, and they hoped that the team can develop an action role-playing game" → "Sega was the third publisher, and they hoped that the team could develop an action role-playing game"
First paragraph: "The team at Obsidian requested a big budget which Atari cannot afforded" → "The team at Obsidian requested a big budget which Atari could not afford"
Second paragraph: "While the Alien role-playing game was cancelled", italicise Alien.
Second paragraph: "they were tasked to develop an original role-playing game that is an original intellectual property". Don't need "original" twice, just cut the last part out.
Second paragraph: "However, the game's development was troubled". Don't need "However".
Second paragraph: "as they are not sure what gameplay elements it should have." → "as they were not sure what gameplay elements it should have."
Second paragraph: "and they did not know what is the target market and audience of the game". Reword this sentence. Don't need market and audience, same thing basically.
Fifth paragraph: "the team's return to the Fallout franchise". Reword this as it sounds as though Obsidian as a company has worked on Fallout before, which isn't true. Some Obsidian employees had worked on Fallout at Interplay/Black Isle, but not the entire team.
Fifth paragraph: "they were contacted by Bethesda Softworks to develop a Star Trek game which did not ended up happening." → "they were contacted by Bethesda Softworks to develop a Star Trek game which did not end up happening."
Fifth paragraph: "these problems occurred because they are not familiar with the game's engine, and hence has the intention" → "these problems occurred because they were not familiar with the game's engine, and hence had the intention"
Sixth paragraph: "With The Sith Lords and New Vegas, the team has built a reputation of building buggy games" → "With The Sith Lords and New Vegas, the team had built a reputation of creating games with technical issues". "Buggy games" is jargon. Don't want to use build twice in same sentence.
Sixth paragraph: "The team was not happy about that and has the determination of changing it" → "The team was not happy about that and was determined to change this with future titles"
Eighth paragraph: "There is one more project that was in parallel development." In parallel development with what? Cut this sentence.
Eighth paragraph: "In October 2009, the team was approached by another company for a licensed project. They are directly contacted by South Park Digital Studios to develop a game set within the South Park universe." → " In October 2009, Obsidian was directly contacted by South Park Digital Studios to develop a game set within the South Park universe."
Eighth paragraph: "The team originally thought the phone call from South Park Digital Studios a prank carried out by another company that is located in the same building." → "The team originally thought the phone call from South Park Digital Studios was a prank carried out by another company located in the same building."
Eighth paragraph: "they met with the franchise creator" → "they met with the franchise creators"

I'll probably add more comments during the week/weekend when I have a chance to read it more thoroughly and check the references. --The1337gamer (talk) 20:18, 28 September 2015 (UTC)[reply]

@The1337gamer: Thank you for the comments! Do you have any comment for the remaining section? AdrianGamer (talk) 02:08, 10 October 2015 (UTC)[reply]

More suggestions:

Infobox

Is there a reliable source for the employee count in the infobox? If not, remove it.

Lead

Probably needs expanding given the length of the article.

2009–11

Add that Square Enix published Dungeon Siege.

2012–present

Add about release of White March Part 1 to Pillars of Eternity bit.
Add that Paradox published Pillars.
Add Wasteland 2 and inxile collaboration here, (move from related companies section).
Maybe add something about Fig (company), a crowdfunding company that launched this year. Feargus is on the advisory board and collaboration between other successful kickstarter developers. ([1], [2], [3]).

Future

It says they are currently working on two expansions for Pillars of Eternity. The first one is already released so update article to reflect this.
Move "Urquhart has stated a desire to collaborate with BioWare again on a new Star Wars game." from Related companies to this section.
Add info about the Pillars of Eternity: Lords of the Eastern Reach, a Pillars board game developed by Obsidian Entertainment and Zero Radius that was also successfully kickstarted.([4]).

Related companies

Unless there is some more substantial to say, I would cut this sentence, it seems pretty trivial: "Obsidian Entertainment was also located in the same building as Red 5 Studios."
I think that this section could just be merged with history. (see above suggestions)

Might add some more later --The1337gamer (talk) 10:20, 17 October 2015 (UTC)[reply]

Done Thank you @The1337gamer: AdrianGamer (talk) 03:46, 21 October 2015 (UTC)[reply]

@The1337gamer: Do you have any more comment to add? AdrianGamer (talk) 03:24, 31 October 2015 (UTC)[reply]

@The1337gamer: Thank you once again. AdrianGamer (talk) 10:41, 9 November 2015 (UTC)[reply]