Wikipedia:Peer review/On the Pulse of Morning/archive1

On the Pulse of Morning

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I've listed this article for peer review because I was a little disappointed with its GAC and would like more feedback before submitting it to FAC.

Thanks, Christine (Figureskatingfan) (talk) 18:31, 27 December 2012 (UTC)[reply]

I'll pick this up Christine, but give me a few days. Truthkeeper (talk) 21:42, 12 January 2013 (UTC)[reply]

Lead

"With her public recitation, Angelou became the second poet in history to read a poem at a presidential inauguration, and the first Black and woman." > this is a bit awkward. I tried, unsuccessfully, to recast it. Somehow would be better to streamline to get across the point of first African American and woman; second poet to read at an inauguration.

Yah, I know it's very awkward. The most grammatical would be "...and the first Black woman", but this doesn't emphasize the fact that she was the first of both groups to do so, which is something the source emphasizes. Perhaps when I bring the article to FAC, they'll have better ideas about it.

"(Robert Frost was the first inaugural poet, at the 1961 inauguration of John F. Kennedy.)" > this too is awkward in parens. I think if the previous sentence can be recast better than this should be part of the recasting to get Frost into the mix so that you don't have a parenthetical statement in the first para of the lead

Hmm, I wonder if striking the statement would solve the issue. It may not be necessary to include the info in the lead. What do you think?

Background

"Although she was best known for her autobiographies, many of her readers identified her as a poet first and an autobiographer second" > primarily known as a poet rather than a autobiographer? Something like that?

Ok, I was trying to avoid the passive voice, but your version is tighter.

Link Stamps, Arkansas ?

Sure.

"Mrs. Flowers encouraged her to recite them, which helped bring her out of her muteness." > the muteness might need some explaining. Presumably because of the rape? Probably it can be shoved into a note, but since it made me wonder, will make other readers wonder too.

Got it. I also separated the sentence into two, since it was long after the clarification.

"representativeness" > I noticed this in the lead and thought it was a direct quote. I'm think it might need a bit of explanation to the average reader why Angelou is considered representative and what she's representative of. The country? Our society? I might be the wrong person to be reading this, but for me the chasm between Frost and Angelou is huge, so maybe that needs a bit of explanation. Something along the lines that in 1961 Frost was considered to be the poet who "represented" the people. Probably can shove this into a note too, and maybe add a bit to the article about Frost's poem.

I believe that my changes fulfill your request. I defined "representativeness" a bit more; as it states in the following sentence, Angelou's role as inaugural poet meant that she represented the American people (and the president) like Frost did. I discuss Frost's poem later, in the "Themes" section, when I compare Frost's poem to Angelou's, so I don't think that it's needed here.

Themes

"On the Pulse of Morning" has been compared to President Clinton's inaugural address, given immediately before the reading of the poem. Angelou's poem shared many of the themes in Clinton's address, which included change, responsibility, and the President's and the citizenry's role in establishing economic security." > the first sentence begs the question of who did the comparing and can probably be dropped (or moved elsewhere) because the second sentence works well as a topic sentence for this section

You're right, of course. Great suggestion; happily followed.

"Critic Zofia Burr compared Angelou's poem with Frost's, stating that the mostly negative reviews of "On the Pulse of Morning" by poetry critics neglected doing so" > I'm having some trouble parsing this sentence

Most likely because it wasn't very clear. Hopefully, the changes I made rectified it.

Merely suggestions here, but I think the themes section would benefit with a bit of reorg. It looks like the small para at the bottom might fit well with the first para - either as part of it or directly below. The section about Frost vs. Angelou should be its own para and needs a bit more explanation. As written, it says that Burr compared the two poems (looking for similarities?) but then many differences/contrasts between the two are presented. So somehow you need to explain clearly that although Angelou's was in some ways similar to Frost's it was in many ways different. I'd split the section discussing the influences of other poets into a separate para.

Critical response: "According to Lupton" > A bit jarring as the opening sentence because I've forgotten who Lupton is and had to scroll back up to find. Probably best to reintroduce here in the body. Note: this may not be strictly necessary because I've take sooo long to read through this.; Same sentence and the next which I think is a bit long - some rejigging might help: "According to Lupton, "On the Pulse of Morning" is Angelou's most famous poem. Lupton has argued that "Angelou's ultimate greatness will be attributed" to the poem, and that Angelou's "theatrical" performance of it, using skills she learned as an actor and speaker, marked a return to the African-American oral tradition of speakers such as Frederick Douglass, Martin Luther King, Jr. and Malcolm X.[2]" > maybe something like this: "Literary critic Jane Lupton writes "On the Pulse of Morning" is Angelou's most famous poem, stating that "Angelou's ultimate greatness will be attributed" to the poem. Angelou's "theatrical" performance of it, using skills she learned as an actor and speaker, marked a return to the African-American oral tradition of speakers such as Frederick Douglass, Martin Luther King, Jr. and Malcolm X.[2]"
MoS

I think I fixed any issues I found

Prose

To be honest I've learned that I'm not really all that great with prose. I do see a few areas that might need some tweaking but suggest you find someone better than I am to do it. One person who comes to mind is Maria.

Sources

I saw a couple of refs that said "retrieved on" and others without the "on", so check that those are consistent.

Images

Look good. Would be nice to find something to put in the lead, but that's just my own preference. Also the pic of Clinton is a bit dark - maybe find one that's a bit brighter?

I've made a few copyedits. Please feel free to revert anything you don't like. Very nice work on Angelou, as always. Truthkeeper (talk) 01:54, 13 January 2013 (UTC)[reply]

No, I'm good with your changes. Thanks for the input, and for your kind words. Let me know if you want me to do anything else. Christine (Figureskatingfan) (talk) 23:02, 14 January 2013 (UTC)[reply]

Thanks, sorry this is slow. More tomorrow. I haven't had time to look at your changes yet, so sorry about that too. Truthkeeper (talk) 01:05, 15 January 2013 (UTC)[reply]

Okay - done! This is a nice article and I enjoyed reading it. I haven't checked your changes yet - but hopefully will get to that tomorrow night and of course will keep this review on watch. Good luck with the article. Truthkeeper (talk) 01:40, 16 January 2013 (UTC)[reply]