Wikipedia:Peer review/Osiris myth/archive1

Osiris myth

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This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've listed this article for peer review because I've rewritten it using the best sources available to me, and I'd like some suggestions for polishing before sending it to FAC.

Thanks, A. Parrot (talk) 20:36, 29 June 2012 (UTC)[reply]

Brianboulton comments: This looks an exceptionally well resourced and carefully prepared article, in the style of Egyptian temple. I don't see any great barriers to prevent this becoming featured in due course; my comments are mainly prose quibbles, some of which may be merely style preference:-

Lead

"The Osiris myth reached its essential form by the 25th century BC". It should be either "had reached" or "in the 25th century BC", but not as it stands,
Last line: the postpositive "well known" has no hyphen

Sources

"immensely": it's probably best to avoid overexuberant modifiers in a neutral encyclopedia article. "Very" is probably OK, but nothing more, I'd say.
Clarify meaning of "spell" in second paragraph
There is a stray apostrophe after Coffin Texts
What are "stelae"?
Perhaps "entertainment" rather than "entertaining"?

Death and resurrection of Osiris

"often is extended" → "is often extended"
"the continued existence of the deceased". Slightly confusing wording, since "deceased" = "non-existence". Maybe find alternative phrasing.
Give some provenance to "The Tale of Two Brothers"

Birth and childhood of Horus

"There are instances in which Isis travels in the wider world". Do you mean there are versions of the myth in which Isis travels in the wider world?

Conflict of Horus and Set

Hanging participle "deciding which..." - better as "to decide which..."
"...for this reason his right eye was said to be the sun and his left eye said to be the moon". Somewhat heavy-footed and repetitiive; delete the second "said to be"

Resolution

Origins

"There are, however, important points of disagreement." Better make this the first sentence of the second paragraph, to avoid the effect of ending a paragraph without a citation.
"well-known explanation"? Depends what you mean by "well-known"
"Yet more recently, the Egyptologist Rosalie David still maintains..." The words "yet" and "still" are redundant.
Maybe the "inundation" should be explained?
"Griffiths still sought..." → "Griffiths sought..."

Influence

"By the early Middle Kingdom, the association with Osiris was believed to be available to people of all classes, and he became Egypt's most important afterlife deity." I'm not sure I understand what is meant by "the association with Osiris was believed to be available to people of all classes". Believed by whom, and is "association" the best term? Further clarity needed.
"By late in the Middle Kingdom..." Date indicators would be helpful, to avoid having to go back and check when this period was.
Citations missing from the paragraph beginning: "The myth's religious importance..."
More redundant words: "because of it" (and the word "also" in the following sentence)

Please leave a message on my talkpage if you want to raise any question on this review, or if you would like me to look at it again. It looks a high class effort. Brianboulton (talk) 12:05, 7 July 2012 (UTC)[reply]

Thank you for the review, and the encouraging words. I'll fix these issues over the next day or two. A. Parrot (talk) 21:30, 8 July 2012 (UTC)[reply]