Wikipedia:Peer review/Rebbie Jackson/archive1

Rebbie Jackson

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This is a short but comprehensive article that I feel could become a FA in the future. I feel that a peer review is needed first, to fix any problems that it may have.

Thanks, Pyrrhus16 18:26, 27 October 2009 (UTC)[reply]

Finetooth comments: This is interesting, broad in coverage, neutral, stable, and verifiable. I don't know enough about Rebbie Jackson to say whether it's comprehensive or not. I have quite a few specific suggestions, mostly about prose and style.

Lead

"The album featured songs written by Smokey Robinson, Prince and her younger brother Michael, the latter's contribution (the title track "Centipede") becoming Jackson's most successful single release." - Perhaps a bit stronger would be "The album featured songs written by Smokey Robinson, Prince and her younger brother Michael, whose contribution (the title track "Centipede") became Jackson's most successful single release."
"Following a ten-year hiatus from the music industry... " - 10-year for consistency?

1950–1967: Early life

"Father Joseph was a steel mill employee... " - Maybe just plain Joseph would be better since Father Joseph reads as "Catholic priest" at first glance.
Spell out R&B on first use and wikilink, thus: "Rhythm and blues (R&B)"?
"His wife Katherine is a... " - Katherine should be set off by commas unless Joseph has more than one wife.
"Under the faith, the family were not allowed to celebrate Christmas... " - "Family" is singular but "were" is plural. Either "family members were" or "family was" would be OK.

1968–1973: Marriage

"Katherine gave her daughter encouragement to proceed with the union... " - Tighten to "Katherine encouraged her daughter to proceed with the union... "?

1974–1983: Early career

Perhaps something is needed early in this section to explain what caused her to change her mind about a singing career.
"The initial run of the 30-minute programme... " - I think the U.S.-centric "program" would be more appropriate. Ditto for "programmes" a couple of sentences later.
"The shows were the first time that an... " - Maybe "marked" rather than "were" since a show is not a time.
"Prior to the series, Jackson had thought of singing as only a minor hobby she would partake in the privacy of her home." - Suggestion: "Prior to the series, Jackson had thought of her singing as merely a private hobby."
"The Jacksons influenced the female to become a professional recording artist; she had received support from the show's producer, who informed her that becoming a singer would be a good move for the talented woman." - Tighten to "The Jacksons motivated her to become a professional recording artist, and the show's producer encouraged her to sing."
"Jackson would serve as a backing vocalist for several musicians around this time, as well as a cabaret singer." - "served" rather than "would serve"? Wikilink backing vocalist? Wikilink cabaret?

1984–1985: Centipede

"reaching number 13 on Billboard's Top R&B/Hip-Hop Albums chart and number 63 on their Top 200" - "its" rather than "their" since Billboard is singular?
"and was subsequently certified gold" - Wikilink certified gold?

1986–1997: Reaction and R U Tuff Enuff

"Duets were featured on the album, including one with Cheap Trick lead singer Robin Zander and another with Isaac Hayes." - Flip to active voice, thus: "The album featured duets, including... "?
"not released as a single, despite receiving substantial airplay" - Wikilink airplay?

1998–2008: Yours Faithfully

"believing that she had already been there and done that" - Slang.
"which features a rap by son Austin" - Wikilink rap?
"Aside from Austin, two of her other children featured on the album; Stacee and Yashi contributed backing vocals" - Tighten to "In addition, two of her other children, Stacee and Yashi, contributed backing vocals for the album"?
"A duet with Men of Vizion's Spanky Williams on The Spinners' "I Don't Want to Lose You" was also featured on the album." - Flip to active voice, thus: "The album also featured a duet... "?

2009–present: Death of Michael Jackson

I'd suggest dropping "present" from the head because it's not specific. "2009: Death of Michael Jackson" would be OK.
"and featured as finales group renditions of the Jackson anthems" - I'm not sure something can have more than one finale. Maybe "and the finale featured group renditions of the Jackson anthems" would be better.

References

"Terra Alta, WV" - I think it would be better to spell out West Virginia for readers outside North America.
Can the place of publication be added for the other two books in the "Bibliography" subsection?

Images

The lead image isn't bad, but 15kb is awfully small for a self-made photo. To head off doubts, you might search for other images. Perhaps an album cover and a fair-use rationale?

I hope these suggestions prove helpful. If so, please consider reviewing another article, especially one from the PR backlog. That is where I found this one. Finetooth (talk) 19:54, 2 November 2009 (UTC)[reply]

Thanks for the review! All is either done or in the process of being done. Thanks again. Pyrrhus16 22:02, 2 November 2009 (UTC)[reply]