Wikipedia:Peer review/Rumble Fish/archive1

Rumble Fish

This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've listed this article for peer review because…this article has already undergone one Peer review and I have made the changes suggested and would like to see if this article is now ready for a GA review.

Thanks, J.D. (talk) 16:58, 9 March 2010 (UTC)

Brianboulton comments: Sorry, I'm greatly pressed for time at the moment, but here are some comments on the lead and plot summary. Try and deal with these, and I'll get back to the review.

• Disambiguation link: Robert Evans
• Lead
  • informal English such as "can't" should be avoided
  • "The film is notable for its avant-garde style, shot on stark high-contrast black-and-white film, using the spherical cinematographic process with allusions to French New Wave cinema and German Expressionism." Two problems with this sentence: first, it's not entirely grammatical, so I suggest you alter the beginning to read: "The film, notable for its avant-garde style, is shot in stark high-contrast black-and-white, using..." etc. Then, the term "spherical cinematographic process" needs a few words of explanation.
  • Mainstream reviewers acted negatively, yet the film won an international critics' award. Seems odd.
  • What do you mean by its "overt style"?
• Plot
  • General point. I could not pick up a coherent narrative from this summary. Maybe it's that kind of film, full of unexplained nuances, impossible to follow, box-office poison etc. I've done a little copyediting and left some points for you. Does "Rusty James" always have to be identified by both names? It makes for rather tedious and repetitive reading.
  • "rendevouses" is a very clumsy, artificial construction. It doesn't work; try "meets up"
  • Likewise, "cadre" doesn't seem the right word to describe a gang
  • "The two battle, with the fight ending when Rusty James disarms Biff and beats him almost unconscious." Needs rephrasing: "The two battle, until Rusty James disarms Biff and beats him almost unconscious.
  • "The Motorcycle Boy sends his motorcycle flying into Biff." This is the last mention of Biff - what happened to him? Was he killed? Were there no consequences from this?
  • "had it in for" is a bit informal. Perhaps "borne a grudge against"?
  • Informal again: "he's insane" → "he is insane"
  • "He's kicked out of school" - same point
  • Why are capitals used in the second mention of the pet store?
  • "newly-stolen motorcycle"? When did that occur?
  • The parenthetical (something the Motorcycle Boy never got to do) seems like a comment, rather than part of the plot summary.

Call me when you're ready Brianboulton (talk) 16:55, 19 March 2010 (UTC)