Wikipedia:Peer review/Sargun Mehta/archive1

Sargun Mehta

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I've listed this article for peer review because I've significantly contribute on this article, and added much content to BLP, and now my work has completes, ~~and i've nominate it for GA, but~~ previously someone told me that there is some promblems, and i've fixed some, So please see if there is any issues are still exist. Thanks. Hetika (talk) 17:35, 2 April 2015 (UTC)[reply]

As it is hard for me to list the concerns I have, I will solve them myself. And that mostly relates to prose. Kailash29792 (talk) 14:55, 5 April 2015 (UTC)[reply]

@Kailash29792: Thanks for your edit, you did really good, your edit makes it much better for GA. Thanks. Hetika (talk) 17:52, 5 April 2015 (UTC)[reply]

Comments by RHM22

Hi, Hetika. I'll be conducting a PR of this article over the next day or so, as well as a copyedit. I will add any comments, questions or suggestions to this page as I find them. I'll let you know when I'm finished with my review.-RHM22 (talk) 22:29, 5 April 2015 (UTC)[reply]

@RHM22: Thanks for reviewing, I see your edits and thats are so good, so thanks for improving. In few hours I'll fix these issues. Hetika (talk) 13:34, 11 April 2015 (UTC)[reply]

What does "Most Jaanbaaz Personality" mean? Could you please explain that in the article?-RHM22 (talk) 22:30, 5 April 2015 (UTC)[reply]

"Jaanbaaz" means "Adventurous, Daring, Daredevil", So i replaced with "Daring", I don't know which one is better so please suggest me. Hetika (talk) 13:51, 11 April 2015 (UTC)[reply]

I would use the original language ("Jaanbaaz"), but also include a translation ("daring") to help explain context.-RHM22 (talk) 16:23, 15 April 2015 (UTC)[reply]

Who is Aradhana Mehta? Is that her father or mother? I'm not familiar with Indian names, and I suspect that many others readers are similarly ignorant. I would suggest explaining who that is. Also, why isn't the other parent's name given?-RHM22 (talk) 22:32, 5 April 2015 (UTC)[reply]

Aradhana is her mother. I've no any info about her mother, so i changed "to Aradhana Mehta" to "the daughter of Mrs. Aradhana Mehta". Hetika (talk) 14:51, 12 April 2015 (UTC)[reply]

Is the Malad West mentioned in the same as Malad West (Vidhan Sabha constituency)? If so, I suggest linking and explaining that it's a district of Mumbai so that readers won't mistakenly believe it to be a different city. Also, does she still live there?-RHM22 (talk) 03:53, 6 April 2015 (UTC)[reply]

Linked as your suggestion. Currently i've no source about "still lives is Malad", so please suggest me. Hetika (talk) 14:38, 11 April 2015 (UTC)[reply]

In that case, I'd suggest just leaving that out.-RHM22 (talk) 16:24, 15 April 2015 (UTC)[reply]

Slang terms and euphemisms are never used on Wikipedia, so you should avoid things like "hubby" for "husband" unless it's part of a direct quote.-RHM22 (talk) 04:02, 6 April 2015 (UTC)[reply]
This part doesn't seem to belong in the "Early life and education" section:
"Mehta's fame increased when she played in the 2011 television series Phulwa and the 2012 Kya Huaa Tera Vaada.[9][13] She established herself as a leading actress, when she appeared the Colors TV drama series Balika Vadhu.[14][15][16] Mehta faced the media spotlight from a young age. In a 2014 interview with the news portal IndiaTimes, Mehta shares, "I would say getting into TV industry was a cakewalk. I went for the auditions just to try my luck on a light note and got the role. It is after entering that the real challenge begins. It is a major struggle to survive in showbiz."
It seems that most of this paragraph is covered below, under "Acting career", so I'd remove that whole paragraph or merge any important sections into "Acting career".-RHM22 (talk) 04:09, 6 April 2015 (UTC)[reply]

Some GA/FA articles writes it like this in "Early life" section, because it is about critical acclaim, not acting or other work. Hetika (talk) 15:35, 12 April 2015 (UTC)[reply]

Well, others might disagree with me, so I'd wait for some other input. I mostly write about coins, so show business articles are not my expertise.-RHM22 (talk) 16:25, 15 April 2015 (UTC)[reply]

I think this short paragraph is also unnecessary: "Mehta celebrated her 26th birthday on 6 September 2014 at Levo Lounge in Andheri, a western Mumbai, India.[23] Ravi [Dubey] had planned the lavish party and gifted her a brand new Jaguar, a luxury car,[24] The party was attended by a bevy of television stars.[25]" A GA reviewer will see it and ask "why is this relevant?" It seems rather trivial to me. Why mention her 26th birthday, but not her 25th or 24th?-RHM22 (talk) 04:23, 6 April 2015 (UTC)[reply]

Removed. Hetika (talk) 13:51, 11 April 2015 (UTC)[reply]

One problem that I'm encountering frequently is sentences ending with commas. I'm fixing all that I see, but please be mindful to use periods for that purpose in the future.-RHM22 (talk) 04:29, 6 April 2015 (UTC)[reply]
I'm not sure what this means: "...into an avenging fury when her entire family..." What is an "avenging fury"? Does she physically change, or does she just alter her mental state in some way?-RHM22 (talk) 06:20, 8 April 2015 (UTC)[reply]

Changed per ref. Hetika (talk) 15:41, 11 April 2015 (UTC)[reply]

This sentence ends abruptly: "According to Faran Khan, she had originally chosen Shah Rukh Khan along with Mehta, but mehta ."-RHM22 (talk) 04:21, 9 April 2015 (UTC)[reply]

Removed. Mistakenly added by me. Hetika (talk) 14:50, 11 April 2015 (UTC)[reply]

"Mehta roped in the special Bittu's (Kapil Sharma) wedding episode..." What does "roped in" mean in this context?-RHM22 (talk) 04:21, 9 April 2015 (UTC)[reply]

Replaced. Hetika (talk) 15:41, 11 April 2015 (UTC)[reply]

That's all I have, so my review is officially complete. That said, I'm not an expert on Indian cinema or popular culture, so I suggest recruiting some people who are more interested in the topic to give it a more thorough looking-over. All I did was improve the English by copyediting, but there is still much to be done. For example, there is a lot of information presented almost as a 'fact soup'. It should be made a bit more cohesive, so the article flows. The article should read a bit more like a running narrative than a collection of facts and figures. Another thing to watch for is overlinking. For instance, you don't need to link someone every time their name is mentioned. The Manual of Style suggests linking the same article only twice: once in the lede section and once in the body of the article. I hope I have been of help, and please feel free to ping me or leave a message on my user talk page if you have any questions or comments.-RHM22 (talk) 04:21, 9 April 2015 (UTC)[reply]

I've fixed issues as your suggestion. Please check my edits. Hetika (talk) 16:00, 12 April 2015 (UTC)[reply]

It looks much better now! I think you could probably nominate it successfully for GA, but I don't think it will pass muster at FAC as it is. You'll need some more reviewers and input for that.-RHM22 (talk) 16:32, 15 April 2015 (UTC)[reply]

@RHM22: Okay, I'll nominate after closing the PR. Thanks :) Hetika (talk) 17:10, 19 April 2015 (UTC)[reply]

Bollyjeff answered questions

1) this link is published in hindi language and this is the only one that verifies her birth(6 September 1988). So this one is better?

The one you have looks okay, but the grammar could be better on the quote.

Actually the quote was a translation of the source text by Google Translate.

2) this link is dead and is cited on her 2011 Golden Petal Award nomination, currently i've no any archive or other source, so please suggest me.

I tried to find an archived version of http://colors.in.com/in/golden-petal-awards, but could only get back to 2012. Why don't they have their own list of past winners? Keep looking for notices from 2011.

indiafun.net is RS or not? Previously i was removed this as Unreliable source. Hetika (talk) 16:23, 21 April 2015 (UTC)[reply]

I don't see her name listed there anyway. BollyJeff | talk

In this she was nomitated for her show Phulwa in the "Most Jaanbaaz Personality" category. I know Actors name are not listed in this, but their shows and characters name are exist. So please tell me, Is this RS or not? Hetika (talk) 17:03, 23 April 2015 (UTC)[reply]

It is hard for one person to say "yes it is" or "no it isn't". You have to evaluate on a case by case basis for sites that are not well established as reliable. Lets's see if others can weigh in. It may be okay for GA level. BollyJeff | talk 18:03, 23 April 2015 (UTC)[reply]

@Bollyjeff: Okay. And i'll try to find a better one. Hetika (talk) 16:19, 25 April 2015 (UTC)[reply]

3) this video link is published from official youtube account of Sony Entertainment Television India. so this one is good for Verifiability? Hetika (talk) 16:31, 20 April 2015 (UTC)[reply]

It should be okay, since its the official channel. BollyJeff | talk 17:00, 20 April 2015 (UTC)[reply]

4) I was added this picture with the caption "Mehta with her husband, Ravi Dubey, in 2013" in "Early life" section, but the actual caption is different. So per WP:GACR, Is this good or not? Hetika (talk) 16:23, 25 April 2015 (UTC)[reply]

Yes this is good; it's from Bollywood Hungama events and parties section, has the correct permissions, and the original link is not dead. BollyJeff | talk 20:20, 25 April 2015 (UTC)[reply]

Thanks @Bollyjeff:. Could you check the all pictures of the article? Hetika (talk) 16:56, 26 April 2015 (UTC)[reply]

'Sargun Mehta on the sets of India's Dancing Superstar.jpg' still shows the BH watermark. It would be good to crop that out, but they all seem free to use. BollyJeff | talk 18:37, 26 April 2015 (UTC)[reply]

Done, Thanks Bollyjeff. :) Hetika (talk) 15:06, 30 April 2015 (UTC)[reply]