Wikipedia:Peer review/Shaun Whalley/archive1

Shaun Whalley

This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've listed this article for peer review because i would like to try and make it a Good Article and need other people's views and contributions.

Thanks, LiamTaylor 16:29, 27 January 2011 (UTC)

• Comments from Mattythewhite (talk · contribs)
  • I've left my comments considering the GA criteria as reaching GA status is your aim with the article.
  • 1. Well-written:
    • Clear and concise:
      • Sometimes the language could be a little clearer, e.g. "where he grew up and he was also educated around the area" could be shortened to "where he grew up and was educated"; it's not as long-whinded and makes the same point. Keep things clear and concise.
      • "Winger" and "Striker" - these are common nouns and so do not need capitalising.
      • "non-league" - "league" needs capitalising.
      • "New Years Day" - should be "New Year's Day".
      • ""Quarter Final" - should be "quarter-final".
    • MoS:
      • The place of birth should be located in the main body of the article, rather than in the lead.
      • "In October 2010 he was called up..." - like the previous point, should be in the main body rather than the lead.
      • "Club career" - this should just be "Career" as he doesn't have an international career.
      • "1-0" - the dash needs to be replaced with an endash (–).
  • 2. Factually accurate and verifiable:
    • There are a number of claims that are unsourced, e.g. that he played in the Norwich youth team, was released by Chester in May 2005, joined Accrington November 2006. These need to be referenced by reliable sources, but they shouldn't be too hard to find.
    • The stats that are unsourced also need to be referenced.
    • Some of the references for the stats don't link to the right place; when I access "Accrington Stanley 2006/2007 player appearances" I get the 2010-11 Southampton stats.
  • 3. Broad in its coverage:
    • There is a lot of emphasis on his Hyde career (which I can understand with you being a supporter), but if the article is to reach GA status the article will need more balance.
  • 4. Neutral:
    • Some examples of bias that need removing e.g. "spectacular" and "bizarre".
  • 5. Stable:
    • No apparent problems here.
  • 6. Images:
    • Images aren't a necessity for GA status but there are two present.
• Cheers, Mattythewhite (talk) 01:02, 31 January 2011 (UTC)

---

Comments from BigDom talk: I haven't gone through Matty's comments so some might be duplicated

Lead

• Per WP:LEAD, the lead section should be a concise summary of the article and include a brief conspectus of each section. Everything in the lead should generally be mentioned in the main body of the article as well (such as the FA XI squad information)

Early life

• Is there a source to say he was educated in Whiston?
• Citations should come after punctuation marks, not before and not in the middle of sentences (this is a problem throughout)
• The second sentence is very discursive - it needs splitting up and almost completely rewording. For example "played football a lot" is not very encyclopaedic.

Early career

• This section needs expanding; there's only the same amount written about the first six years of his career than there is about his five months at Hyde. Also, why do the latest two clubs have their own subsections, while this bit is all grouped together?
• The first sentence of paragraph 2 has been almost directly copied from ref [6]
• Ref [7] doesn't support the appearances and goals information contained in the preceding sentence
• Ref [10] is a broken link
• "where he made nine appearences at the end of their season scoring 4 goals" - inconsistent use of numbers as words and figures (should be four not 4)
• Could note that the Conference is the level below the Football League for readers unfamiliar with English football - GAs should be accessible to everyone.
• "he scored his third and fourth goals of the month as he scored two" - the second half of that sentence is redundant; it is clear from the first half that he scored two
• Need to include some details about his loan at Southport in 2009. One short line to say that it happened isn't enough
• "hopefulls" is spelled wrong
• Starting a sentence with "Then on" is poor English
• Ref 22 has no mention of the number of league appearances for Droylsden, also "appearences" is a typo
• Source for the Manchester Senior Cup win?

Hyde

• Ref [33] says nothing about speculation from the fans or an approach from Southport. Either source the info or remove it.
• Do you need two references for the same match? ([29] and [30])
• The writing is generally OK in this section
• The references are formatted inconsistently, e.g. some have Hyde FC, others have hydefc.co.uk and the rest are hydefc.co.uk. Some don't have a publisher at all. It doesn't really matter which format you choose as long as you stick with it.

Southport

• "He would make" - poor grammar, wrong tense. Change it to "He made"
• Captial S in "saturday"
• "the 29th January" --> "29 January"
• Remove "He made his debut" from the start of the next sentence (it has already been said that he made his debut in the line before)
• That sentence also has the word "Southport" in it three times, it gets a bit repetitive

Style of play

• "Striker" and "Winger" should not have capital letters
• The interviews are not reliable sources unless you provide information about when they took place, who the publishers or interviewers were, etc. Otherwise, they cannot be verified - we don't know whether or not Scott McNiven said that he was "quick"
• "skillfull" should only have one "l" at the end

Other

• Reference titles need to be consistent - some have the score with hyphens, others with en-dashes.
• The date formats aren't consistent either
• The last ref (Soccerbase, [56]) doesn't go exactly where you want (this might be because Soccerbase has changed recently)
• In the references, year ranges should have an en-dash e.g. 2004–2005 not 2004/2005. Should also be consistent regarding the "20" in the second year (compare 2005/06 and 2007/2008 for example)
• Is there a definitive source for his place of birth? The article says Whiston, but Soccerbase says Prescot (although I think they are very close)

Quite a few things to sort out before considering GA status, but most of the points above are minor and shouldn't take long to rectify. Good luck, BigDom talk 19:05, 3 February 2011 (UTC)