Wikipedia:Peer review/Shojo Beat/archive2

Shojo Beat

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A script has been used to generate a semi-automated review of the article for issues relating to grammar and house style; it can be found on the automated peer review page for June 2009.

This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've listed this article for peer review because I'd like to get feedback on what else needs to be done to the article to prepare it for a Featured Article candidacy. It is currently a good article and I believe it pulls together all currently available reliable sources regarding the magazine's inception, run, demise, and reception.

Thanks, -- AnmaFinotera (talk · contribs) 15:28, 20 June 2009 (UTC)[reply]

I can certainly see why it's currently GA, and I don't think it needs much work. I did notice a few grammatical issues, and also some confusion over tense, which I imagine came from the cancellation being quite recent. I'm of the school that prefers such things are done rather then spend longer writing them up, so I've made the changes to the article itself. I don't claim to be a copyeditor, so you may not agree with it all! i think the article is ready to be a FAC. Dandy Sephy (talk) 00:01, 25 June 2009 (UTC)[reply]

Thanks for catching those (and doing :) ) and good to hear. It also reminded me to update the editor-in-chief after checking to see if they ever did name a new one :P -- AnmaFinotera (talk · contribs) 00:57, 25 June 2009 (UTC)[reply]

Do the series that were running in the magazine as of its closing need to be highlighted? --Malkinann (talk) 04:11, 27 June 2009 (UTC)[reply]

Not really. That's a hold over from when it was still running, but it could just as easily be removed. -- AnmaFinotera (talk · contribs) 04:14, 27 June 2009 (UTC)[reply]

Finetooth comments: This is good but still not FA quality. Perhaps the most difficult of the FA criteria involves the quality of the prose. I made a small number of minor copyedits to the article, and most of my comments below make specific suggestions about prose or issues related to the Manual of Style. In addition, the reference section needs a bit of repair, as noted below.

Lead

"becoming the first English anthology to use the two-color tone pages" - Suggestion: "becoming the first English anthology to use the two color tones common to Japanese manga anthologies... "
"Half of its circulation comes from subscriptions... " - "came" rather than "comes"?
"In May 2009, the magazine was discontinued, with the July 2009 issue being its last." - "With" is a relatively weak connector in a construction like this. Suggestion: "In May 2009, the magazine was discontinued, and the July 2009 issue was its last."
"Fans were disappointed, though many also noted they were not subscribers." - "many of them noted that" rather than "many also noted" since "many" might otherwise mean "observers" or some other group.

History

"The first issue was released in June 2005, featuring Nana Komatsu of NANA on its July-dated cover." - Suggestion: tighten slightly to "The first issue, released in June 2005, featured Nana Komatsu of NANA on its July-dated cover."
"In the June 2009 issue, publisher Hyoe Narita began being listed as having the dual role of publisher and editor-in-chief." - Suggestion: "Starting with the June 2009 issue, Hyoe Narita, the publisher, was listed as editor-in-chief."
"The magazine's panda mascot, Moko... " Wikilink panda?
"Shojo Beat switched to using cyan and magenta ink tones for the manga pages" - Wikilink cyan and magenta? What colors did it use in the earlier issues?
"The new design included more vivid color schemes and fonts... " - Wikilink font?
"The new design included more vivid color schemes and fonts and a new "Girl Hero" column to spotlight women Viz felt were charitable and selfless to inspire the readers." - Suggestion: "The new design included more vivid color schemes and fonts and a new "Girl Hero" column to spotlight women Viz felt were charitable and selfless and who would inspire the readers."
"In the March 2008 issue, a third mascot, a star named Hoshiko, was introduced as a friend for Moko." - It's not clear whether this means a star in the sky or a star in the sense of famous person or creature.
"In May 2009, the magazine stopped accepting new subscriptions and ceased publication with the release of the July 2009 issue." - Delete the second "2009"?
"Subscribers will reportedly receive a copy of the August 2009 issue of Shonen Jump, with options to transfer their subscription or request a refund for the remaining portion." - If publication ceased with the July issue, how can there be an August issue? I think this needs to be explained more clearly. Also, to avoid having to fix the verb tenses in September, you might say something like "Viz offered subscribers a copy of the August 2009 issue of Shonen Jump and the option of transferring their subscriptions or requesting partial refunds."

Features

"a preview chapter from another Viz manga title being published under their "Shojo Beat" label" - Maybe "the" rather than "their" to avoid calling Viz a "their" rather than an "it".
"The end of the magazine featured fan related sections" - Maybe instead of "end", which is a bit ambiguous in this context, this might be better: "Sections toward the back of the magazine featured fan-related material, including... "

Series

"During its run, the magazine featured fourteen series total, with seven ending their runs to be replaced with other series." - Suggestion: "During its run, the magazine featured fourteen series, of which seven ended their runs and were replaced by other series."
"Only four of those remained in the magazine until all of their chapters had been published." - Does this mean four of the seven replacements? If so, maybe "Only four of those replacement series remained... "?
"Viz noted that they periodically removed series... " - "it" rather than "they"?
"removed series from the magazine that have not been completed yet... " - "that had not been completed"? Also, delete "yet"? These are actions that took place in the past.
"It does not include single chapter previews of titles." - I'm not sure what "previews" means in this context. Would it be better to say, "It does not include titles of single chapters"?

Imprints

With the launch of the Shojo Beat magazine, Viz Media also created new imprints for its manga and fiction lines, with the "Shojo Beat" label including both series featured in the magazine and other shōjo manga titles licensed by Viz since the magazine's conception." - Suggestion: "With the launch of the Shojo Beat magazine, Viz Media created new imprints for its manga and fiction lines. The "Shojo Beat" label included series featured in the magazine as well as other shōjo manga titles licensed by Viz after the magazine's conception."
"Published under the "Shojo Beat Fiction" imprint, Viz began releasing a few Japanese light novels that relate to its "Shojo Beat" manga titles." - Viz wasn't published. Suggestion: "Viz began releasing a few Japanese light novels under a "Shojo Beat Fiction" imprint related to its "Shojo Beat" manga titles."
"In February 2006, Viz launched the "Shojo Beat Home Video" line to release anime titles targeted towards the female audience." - "anime titles for young women"?
"the same titled manga already being released by Viz Media... " - Delete "being"?

Circulation and audience

"In 2006, its average circulation had increased to 35,000, with 41% of copies distributed through subscriptions, and the rest sold in newsstands and stores." - "With" doesn't work well as a conjunction. Suggestion: "In 2006, its average circulation had increased to 35,000 copies, of which 41% were distributed through subscriptions and the rest sold in newsstands and stores."
"In 2007, the circulation grew to 38,000, with subscription distribution growing to 51% of copies." - Suggestion: "In 2007, the circulation grew to 38,000, and subscriptions increased to 51%."
"Targeted towards "young women", over half of the Shojo Beat audience was between the ages of 13 and 19, and over 84% of readers were at least 16 years old." - Suggestion: "More than half of the Shojo Beat audience, which was targeted towards "young women", was between the ages of 13 and 19, and more than 84% of readers were at least 16 years old."
"After its cancellation, Publishers Weekly's Heidi MacDonald reported that the common response that they saw among fans was that "everyone liked it but nobody paid for it", due to many fans expressing sorrow over the magazine's demise, but also noting they were not subscribers to it." - It's unclear who "they" refers to in this sentence. MacDonald is a "she", and Publishers Weekly is an "it". Also, the sentence might be a bit too complicated and would work better as two sentences. The second might say, "She noted that many fans who expressed sorrow over the magazine's demise were not subscribers."
"Katherine Dacey, the former Senior Manga Editor... " - Lowercase "senior manga editor"?
"Staff member Brigid Alverson felt Shojo Beat was a great overall package that "featured intelligent articles that allowed the reader to be enthusiastic about Japanese pop culture without being geeky" making it distinct from other magazines for girls that were normally "filled with brainless celebrity stories or service articles tied to commercial products". - Since this includes direct quotes, it needs an inline citation.

References

Citation 2 is incomplete and its url is dead.
Citation 3 has a dead link.
Citation 19 is incomplete and dead.
I don't have time to check all of the citations. I just picked these three because they looked suspicious. You should check the whole set. A link checker tool can be run on any article.

I hope these suggestions prove helpful. If so, please consider reviewing another article, especially one from the PR backlog. That is where I found this one. Finetooth (talk) 20:33, 30 June 2009 (UTC)[reply]

Thanks for the thorough review! I will get to work on addressing all of these issues and fix those refs. -- AnmaFinotera (talk · contribs) 20:50, 30 June 2009 (UTC)[reply]

Intro all fixed. History fixed. The August issue is for the other publication, Shonen Jump, which will be continuing. I reworded that to attempt to clarify things more. I didn't change it to "offered" though because Viz has yet to actually follow through with it, so don't want to presume they really will. Should find out in a few more days, though, if Shonen Jump ships on the same schedule as Shojo Beat. :) Features fix. Series fixed (for the last question, it was referring to the preview chapters noted in the features, I reworded to try to make clearer). Imprints, circulation, and reception also all fixed. I've also fixed all the references (they were broken when I was fixing the date formats as my script falsely changed the ANN links too because they use ISO dates *doh*). -- AnmaFinotera (talk · contribs) 23:30, 30 June 2009 (UTC)[reply]

I've not updated the Shonen Jump subscription transfer section as I got the copy (with the letter) today confirming it was done. :) -- AnmaFinotera (talk · contribs) 18:57, 1 July 2009 (UTC)[reply]