Wikipedia:Peer review/Snow Prince/archive1

Snow Prince

This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've listed this article for peer review because the reviewer has advised that I seek input from other editors before nominating it for GA. Any comments or suggestions of how to improve the page is welcome and greatly appreciated.

Thanks, Lionratz (talk) 03:26, 5 September 2011 (UTC)

Finetooth comments This sounds like a likeable film. You have the basics here, but the article has many small prose problems that would prevent its promotion to GA. I make quite a few specific suggestions below, but I ran out of time at the end of the "Release" section. A quick glance at the remaining material assures me that similar errors appear in the last sections. Unnecessary use of passive voice and a tendency to repeat the same word several times in a short span are two of the recurring prose problems. You might try fixing as many as you can by yourself and then enlisting the aid of a copyeditor. I think you can find one at WP:GOCE.

• You may have trouble convincing reviewers that two fair-use images are necessary for a reader to understand the subject.

Lead

• "Actress Marino Kuwashima, also making her debut appearance, will play the role of Sayo, the best friend of Sota." - "Plays" instead of "will play"?

• "The film received mixed reviews from film critics, and grossed $845,375 from its screenings in Japan and Singapore." - This suggests that the income resulted from the mixed reviews, and it repeats the word "film". Would this be better: "The film, which grossed $845,375 from its screenings in Japan and Singapore, received mixed reviews from critics"?

Plot

• "70 years earlier" - The Manual of Style says to avoid starting sentences with digits. This should be "Seventy years earlier".
• "To save up money for the painting paper,: - Tighten by one word by deleting "up"?

• "In spite of the difficulties he faces... " - Tighten to "Despite the difficulties he faces... "?

Cast

• "She is a member of the rich Arima family, and thus her father opposes to her relationship with Sota." - Delete "to"? Otherwise the sentence does not make sense. Done

• "and his daughter Sayo because he hopes to marry her off to a rich family... " - "Marry her off" is slang. Maybe "and his daughter Sayo because he hopes she will marry into a rich family... "

• "She is caught between her husband's order of not letting Sayo see Sota and her belief of the freedom to choose who one loves." - A bit awkward. Perhaps "She is caught between her husband's resistance to Sota and her belief in romantic love.

• "Tadanobu Asano as the circus clown, Hagio." - Hagio or Haigo?

Development

• "The screenplay was written by Kundo Koyama." - Generally it's a good idea to use active voice rather than passive, especially when it's easy to do; i.e., "Kundo Koyama wrote the screenplay."

• "which won the Best Foreign Language Film award at the 81st Academy Awards" - I'd add "in Hollywood" to this. Readers might think it means Japan otherwise.

• "In the movie, the dog used was an Akita dog, instead of the Flemish dog used in "A Dog of Flanders"... " - I'd look for some way to say this without repeating "dog" four times.

Casting

• "He has also starred in the television series like Mr. Brain (2009) and Diplomat Kosaku Kuroda (2011)." - Delete "the"?

• "He plays the role of the circus clown Hagio" - Hagio or Haigo?

Filming

• "The railway line featured in the film was taken at the old line of "Naruto no Kurikumada Koen Railway Line"... " - Recast to avoid repeating "line" three times.

• "The lyrics of this song was written by songwriter Shinji Nojima." - Flip to active voice and simplify. Perhaps "Shinji Nojima wrote the song's lyrics".

Theme

• "This was announced at a charity event on 1 November 2009." - What was announced? It's not clear what "this" refers to.

• "The group was officially announced at an animal welfare organization event on 1 November 2009." - What does it mean to be "officially announced"? Why at an animal welfare organization event?

• "Snow Prince Gasshōdan is made up of 10 boys, who together, have an average age of 10.5 years old at the time of the filming of this film." - "Had" instead of "have". Avoid repeating "film", "filming" by deleting "of this film".

• "This makes the group Snow Prince Gasshōdan the youngest group in the history of Johnny Jr. to release a single." - I think you need to briefly explain what Johnny Jr. is. I see that it's linked, but something in the article text would be nice too.

• "According to the movie's release committee, the group Snow Prince Gasshōdan will only existed until the end of 2010." - That time has come and gone. Did the group disband?
• "Leader Shintaro Morimoto expressed hope the group can be reunited again after ten years." - "Could" rather than "can". Perhaps "Leader Shintaro Morimoto expressed hope that the group could reunite after 10 years."

Release

• "The film was then released in Japan on 12 December 2009. It was officially released at a release ceremony... " - Rewrite to avoid repeating "release" three times in such a short space.

• "Also, at the ceremony, it was also revealed to the media that negotiations... " - No need for two "also"s.

• Ditto for three reps of "countries" in the next sentence.

References

• Some of the citations have Japanese in bolded letters; others have "in Japanese" in a regular typeface. Be consistent.

• The date formatting in the citations should be consistent. I see some like "2011-09-08" and others like "18 December 2009".

• Some of the citations like 44 are incomplete. Citations to web sites should include author, title, publisher, date of publication, URL, and accessdate if all of those are known or can be found. It appears that in most cases you won't be able to find an author name and maybe not a publication date, but the rest of the info should be available.

Other

• The link checker in the toolbox at the top of this review page finds one dead URL. It's in citation 5.

• Please make sure that the existing text includes no copyright violations, plagiarism, or close paraphrasing. For more information on this please see Wikipedia:Wikipedia_Signpost/2009-04-13/Dispatches. (This is a general warning given in view of previous problems that have risen over copyvios.)

I hope these suggestions prove helpful. If so, please consider commenting on any other article at WP:PR. I don't usually watch the PR archives or make follow-up comments. If my suggestions are unclear, please ping me on my talk page. Finetooth (talk) 02:55, 30 September 2011 (UTC)

Note about tick marks: This is part of the PR instructions but sometimes gets overlooked: "The size of this page is limited. Please do not add images to peer reviews, such as the tick/cross images in  Done/ Not done templates. Use the non-image templates,  Done/✗ Not done, instead." It would be helpful if you changed the templates, or you could just delete them. Finetooth (talk) 16:59, 30 September 2011 (UTC)