Wikipedia:Peer review/The Ex-Girlfriend/archive1

The Ex-Girlfriend

This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've listed this article for peer review because I think this article is almost ready for FAc. It just needs some polishing, and I hope reviewers can help me out.

Thanks, --Music26/11 22:39, 23 August 2009 (UTC)

Brianboulton comments: Mainly prose nitpicks, but more substantial concerns with the Plot section. I have done a bit of copyediting, too.

• Lead
  • "first episode of..." (rather than "for")
  • "It was first broadcast..." → "The show was first broadcast..."
  • Postponed for one week
  • "However, afterwards, he realizes he left..." Awkward phrasing and clash of tenses. Suggest: "Afterwards, however, he realizes he has left..."
  • "persuades", rather than "convinces"
  • "...his friend Jerry Seinfeld (Jerry Seinfeld)" would read better without the repeated surname, thus: "his friend Jerry (Jerry Seinfeld)"
  • "Starting with this episode, filming of the show took place on CBS Studio Center in Studio City, Los Angeles, California, as opposed to Desilu Cahuenga in Hollywood, California, where the first season had been filmed." The sentence is too long, and awkwardly phrased. I suggest "This was the first episode of the show filmed at CBS Studio Center in Studio City, Los Angeles, California. The previous season had been filmed at Desilu Cahuenga in Hollywood."
  • "The rest of the sets that appeared had been used on the show earlier." This needs rephrasing; "that appeared" isn't necessary: "The rest of the sets had been used on the show in earlier episodes."
• Plot
  • The redlink on Kolis should be on first mention, in the lead.
  • Suggest "after an emotional break-up"
  • The tense thing again: "he realizes that he has left..."
  • "In order..." is superfluous (and increasingly frowned on by the Wikipedia prose gurus). Suggest begin the sentence "To retrieve the books..."
  • "Jerry has to go on a date..." → "Jerry decides to go on a date"
  • "Jerry finds it hard to tell George he his dating her, but after hearing a story from his ex-girlfriend Elaine Benes (Julia Louis-Dreyfus), who confronted a man that did not greet her on the street, Jerry decides to tell him." This sentence will confuse anyone unfamiliar with the episode. It needs simplyfing, thus: "Jerry finds it hard to tell George he his dating Marlene, but after his ex-girlfriend Elaine Benes (Julia Louis-Dreyfus) tells him how she has just dealt with an awkward situation, Jerry tells George."
  • Overall, I think the plot section is a bit weak. This account misses some of the episode's nuances - for example, the episode had a certain circularity, beginning and ending in Jerry's car. I advise you view the episode again, and see if you can strengthen this section.
• Cultural references: I don't think anything in this section is worth keeping. None of the fleeting references you mention have any relevance to the story, and the Tony Bennett picture looks wholly decorative.
• Production: I have done some copyedits to the first two paragraphs. Also:-
  • "This was changed because Jerry and George's dialogue had nothing to do with a library." It was changed to a chiropractor's waiting room, which tied in with some of Jery's introductory stand-up routine, and also with a minor sub-plot about George's reluctance to pay the chiropractor.
• Reception
  • "Although Seinfeld would be considered a hit show by today's standards, NBC was disappointed with its ratings, and, after three weeks, put the show on hiatus." Can you explain what this means? Does it mean they suspended the show for a period of time? A plain language explanantion is better than a linked technical term.
  • "...and graded it with a B." The grading system they were using needs interpretation. How good is a B?

Brianboulton (talk) 14:51, 1 September 2009 (UTC)