Wikipedia:Peer review/Thomas Traherne/archive1

Thomas Traherne

This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've listed this article for peer review because...after a very arduous and scrutinizing GA review that rivals the attention given to Featured Article candidates (the GA review is seriously longer than the article itself), I wonder if the article is comprehensive enough and prepared for an FAC. I don't see any major work needed for an FAC, mostly anticipating minor emendations. Given the rigor of the GA review, I might sit on the suggestions offered in a peer review until I can regain my strength and take a little time focusing on other projects. But if someone can review the article and offer suggestions and ideas that I can address over the next month with an eye toward FAC criteria, I would appreciate it. Thanks you for your assistance. --ColonelHenry (talk) 18:12, 17 March 2013 (UTC)

Comments from Casliber

• Only the poems in Christian Ethicks (1675) and Thanksgivings (1699) appeared during the seventeenth century, shortly after Traherne's death - a ref and seems odd at the end. If this whole section could be made more sequential it'd be good for flow

• The first para of Publication history and posthumous success needs referencing...and seems to duplicate the preceding a bit..?

• by William T. Brooke of London - an occupation of what he is would help here....

Comments from Tim riley

• Lead
  • I think some FAC reviewers will consider the existing lead section to be on the short side. I am not good at this aspect of Wikipedia editing, but you might like to consult others for their thoughts on this.
  • "to that of later poets William Blake, Walt Whitman, and Gerard Manley Hopkins" – this reads oddly. Perhaps "to that of the later poets William Blake, Walt Whitman, and Gerard Manley Hopkins" or "to that of later poets such as William Blake, Walt Whitman, and Gerard Manley Hopkins"
• Biography
  • "Very little information is known" –"information" is otiose perhaps
  • "According to antiquarian Anthony à Wood" – this formation is redolent of tabloid journalism; the ordinary English version "According to the antiquarian Anthony à Wood" is much to be preferred.
  • "matriculated in Brasenose College, Oxford, in 2 April 1652" – on rather than in before the date perhaps
  • "receiving his baccalaureate degree" – good grief! A very posh way of saying graduated BA?
  • "the Lord Protector Oliver Cromwell" – better with commas round Noll's name, I think
• Publication history and posthumous success
  • "irrevocably lost" – can a loss be revoked? Perhaps "irretrievably lost" might be safer.
  • "In the winter of 1896–97" – some Wikipedians (from the southern hemisphere possibly) get very exercised about the assumption that Dec/Jan/Feb are winter. The Manual of Style recommends using the names of the months where possible.
  • In the same para, three successive sentences begin with "Grosart". For the third one, I think "His" would suffice, and flow better.
• Theology and ethics
  • "Traherne exhibits a passion" – better with "he" for "Traherne" here, perhaps
  • "Traherne must have suffered from a lack of faith in his formative years at Oxford." His own word "apostasy" notwithstanding it would be as well to have a citation for such a firm statement as "must have suffered..." Although he capitalised the noun Apostasy, there is no need for you to do so when you use it within your text as opposed to within the quotation that follows.
  • "vis-à-vis" – I don't think the phrase has been so thoroughly anglicised that omitting the grave accent is yet accepted use.
• Mysticism and divine union
  • "which was likely written" – an unexpected, and not entirely welcome American turn of phrase; perhaps just "probably"?
  • "According to Traherne scholar Denise Inge" – another place where "the" would rescue the prose from tabloid journalese.
  • "in the Anglican church" – blue link needed here? We've met the Anglicans quite a lot already.
  • "Indeed, critic K. W. Salter" – as for Wood and Inge, above
  • "according to Gladys Wade's 1946 biography of Traherne, she distinguished" – this reads oddly; perhaps something like "in a 1946 biography of Traherne, Gladys Wade comments that…"
  • "an attempt to faithfully reproduce" – some people (not me) suffer from the superstition that splitting an infinitive is a sin. I try to avoid provoking them by writing "to reproduce faithfully" instead. Silly, but it saves trouble.
• Legacy
  • "of Trappist monk, social activist, and author Thomas Merton, crime writer and Christian humanist Dorothy L. Sayers, poet Elizabeth Jennings and Christian apologist C. S. Lewis" – four more places where a "the" would elevate the prose. I see you have already given Finzi one just below.

That's all I can offer by way of comment. Very minor quibbles, but I hope they are useful. I enjoyed this article, and learned a lot from it. It's quite short for a potential FAC, but some subjects simply don't need and can't support a lengthier construction. Please let me know when you take it to FAC. Tim riley (talk) 13:20, 14 April 2013 (UTC)