Wikipedia:Peer review/Timeline of the Kingdom of Jerusalem/archive1

Timeline of the Kingdom of Jerusalem

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This peer review discussion is closed.

I've listed this article for peer review because it needs a comprehensive review with regard its comprehensiveness and reliability.

Thanks, Borsoka (talk) 01:34, 7 April 2022 (UTC)[reply]

Comments by Dudley

"Baldwin I and his successors captured all towns on the coast". This must be all in a specific area. It needs clarification.
"on behalf of their absent or minor rulers". Minor in the sense of young or subservient?
"the crusaders (or Franks)". "Franks" as a local term for West Europeans needs explaining or deleting.
"Baldwin III and Amalric maintained a close alliance with the Byzantine Empire". For clarity, I suggest "In the mid-twelfth century, Baldwin III and his successor Amalric maintained a close alliance with the Byzantine Empire".
"Internal strife weakened the kingdom during the reigns of the leper Baldwin IV and the unpopular Guy of Lusignan, which enabled Nur ad-Din's former general, Saladin, to unite Egypt and Syria in the 1180s." This does not sound right. Surely Saladin being able to unite Egypt and Syria must have been mainly due to circumstances in those countries?
"forced Saladin to acknowledge the restoration of the Franks' rule". I think it is better to stick to "crusaders" as "Franks" may be confusing for non-specialists who understand the term to mean Germanic (or French).
"The Seljuk ruler Tughril becomes the Abbasid caliphs' protector." How is this relevant?
"A Seljuk Turk commander, Atsiz ibn Uvaq, captures Jerusalem." You should clarify that this was from the Fatimid Caliphate.
I think it would be better to right justify the extract from the pope's sermon and all images. Pushing the timeline over looks untidy.
No mention of the People's Crusade?
"Al-Afdal refutes to make an alliance with the crusaders". "refuses"?
"A man who lives in a house in a town for more than a year seizes its possession, according to a decree." I am not sure what this means.
"Godfrey cedes the fourth of Jaffa to Daimbert." Ditto.
"A pious cleric, Evremar". "pious" is against WP:NPOV.
Jacobite should be linked.
"Baldwin III demands the division of the kingdom from his mother." I am not sure what this means.
"Ignoring the Hospitallers' and several crusaders' opposition to the treaty," What treaty?
"A member of the royal family is rewarded with the title prince of Galilee in Cyprus." Which royal family? Dudley Miles (talk) 09:58, 30 April 2022 (UTC)[reply]

@Dudley Miles: for some mysterious reasons I did not realize that you opened and completed the review. Sorry for it and thank you for your suggestions. I accepted most of them, but I would insist on using the term Franks (because not all Franks were crusaders), and I would not mention the People's Crusade because it had no direct effect on the history of the Jerusalemite kingdom. Borsoka (talk) 16:55, 30 May 2022 (UTC)[reply]