Wikipedia:Peer review/Tracy Philipps/archive1

Tracy Philipps

I've listed this article for peer review because…

- I want to find out whether it has featured article potential before any nomination for featured article status. So I am looking for a thorough assessment top to bottom, rather than any particular aspect of the article

Thanks, Leonstojka (talk) 11:32, 16 May 2021 (UTC)

Comments from Z1720

Hi Leonstojka, I'm sorry that it has taken so long to get someone to review this article. I will look at this as if it was an FAC. Please consider me a non-expert.

I would suggest looking at featured articles that are of a similar topic to yours. William Hardham was recently promoted and it might serve as a good reference. I also suggest that, when you think the article is ready, it is submitted for an A-class review with WikiProject Military History. This will allow more editors to give feedback before you nominate for FAC, and is considered a step towards FA status.

• The one-sentence paragraphs in the lede should be combined into the other paragraphs.
• "Pursuing a complex, multi-faceted career," This is editorialising his life and should be removed. Just give the facts to maintain WP:WIKIVOICE
• Many sentences in the lede begin with a preposition or a verb, which is not always best practice. Try starting sentences with a noun. Eg: " From serving as a British Army intelligence office" -> "He served as a British Army intelligence officer", or "Having worked as a foreign correspondent for" -> "He worked as a"
• Wikipedia usually doesn't have the parent's birth and death years in brackets.
• "Philipps' time at Marlborough coincided with future MP F. Kingsley Griffith and Humfrey Grose-Hodge (later Headmaster of Bedford School), with the trio sharing the same form." Why is this important in this biography?

• "(among them John Feetham and Leonard Outerbridge)" Why is this necessary? Avoid WP:TRIVIA
• "For university he is said to have eventually studied at" delete eventually.
• "Like his father, John, and uncle, Francis ffolkes, 5th Baronet," Why is this important in this article?
• "Among the participants for Oxford was Robert Barrington-Ward (who would eventually become Editor of The Times).[11] Philipps' old schoolmates Griffith and Grose-Hodge, by now Presidents of the Oxford Union and Cambridge Union respectively, also participated.[11]" Why is this important for Philipps' biography?
• "Philipps, who had been a Cadet in the Durham Officers' Training Corps during his student days," This should be mentioned in the previous section.
• "was gazetted as a 2nd Lieutenant in the Infantry in February 1913." What does gazetted mean?
• "At the time the First World War" -> "When the First World War"
• "'one of the first Englishmen in action'" If this is a quote, then it needs double speech marks, not single.
• "Not much later," Delete, or replace with the date that he was assigned.
• "a London lunch meeting at" What's a London lunch meeting?

I'll pause there, and continue when the above changes have been addressed. Please ping me when you are ready. Z1720 (talk) 19:49, 15 June 2021 (UTC)

Hi, Z1720, thanks for taking the time. I'm ready for any other suggested changes. I've made a number of edits already.

A couple of things for clarification...

• I have deleted the reference to Barrington Ward. The reason I was inspired to mention the fact that Philipps, Griffith and Grose-Hodge were all classmates at school was this article by Bertie Dockerill (see page 105), who highlighted it as a way of showing the social composition of British universities at the time. Nonetheless, I feel that on reflection it doesn't merit a mention in the main text and have shifted this info to the notes section
• I thought I would mention Francis ffolkes at some point in the article, because he is a close relative who also has an article on wikipedia, and that section seemed to be a good place to do it. I have edited the form of the writing to make it flow better. Additionally, I felt it was an easy way of explaining why Philipps might have matriculated at Hatfield Hall instead of University College, as the latter was aimed more at the 'sons of gentlemen' (and Philipps was from an aristocratic background) while the former was a cheaper alternative
  • As a non-expert of this area, I do not know about the background of Hatfield Hall vs. University College. If this is to be included, it needs to be spelt out in the article. Z1720 (talk) 15:21, 17 June 2021 (UTC)
• gazetted just means recorded in a government gazette, in this case the London Gazette, where any public appointment in the UK is recorded, including military officers, however junior. So this is just me confirming that Philipps' rank was official. I've edited the writing to include a link to government gazette so the meaning is clearer to readers
  • Wikilink should be OK, but if this is to show that the rank is official, then say that in the article. Z1720 (talk) 15:21, 17 June 2021 (UTC)

--Leonstojka (talk) 13:45, 16 June 2021 (UTC)

Continuing:

• "After cult leader Ntokibiri was killed he had the head of Ntokibiri sent to Entebbe as proof that the threat had been eliminated." -> "When the Nyabinghi leader was killed, Philipps sent the leader's head to Entebbe as proof of his assassination." Also, what was Philipp's role in the leader's death?
• "Subsequently, Philipps worked to end" Delete subsequently
• "gave a public lecture, on 'The" delete this comma
• "For one month of the journey he was joined" delete on the journey
• "whom he helped to obtain photographs" which he? Phillips or Wilheim?
• "who proved to be crucial in the success of the journey.[38] Daki had previously served with Philipps in the East African Campaign, once saving his life." I don't think this is necessary as it is going a little off-topic.
• "In the course of this mission" -> "During this mission"
• "Du Bois was unable to attend – he wrote back in October saying he was unavailable, having left Europe at the start of the month – but requested" -> "Du Bois was unable to attend because he left Europe at the start of the month, but requested"
• "After writing to Du Bois, Philipps, with the Famine in Russia intensifying, travelled to Constantinople and then Moscow as part of the International Committee for Russian Relief (ICRR) led by the famed explorer Fridtjof Nansen." -> "With the Famine in Russia intensifying, Philipps travelled to Constantinople, then Moscow, as part of the International Committee for Russian Relief (ICRR) led by explorer Fridtjof Nansen."
• "but also bred" -> "but also developed"
• "He later revealed having seen the remains" -> "He later reported"

More comments later. Z1720 (talk) 15:21, 17 June 2021 (UTC)

@Z1720: I have now made the above edits. --Leonstojka (talk) 15:05, 20 June 2021 (UTC)

More comments:

• "From 1923 to 1925 Philipps was in Khartoum and appears to have occupied a position within the Sudan Political Service." Appears to whom? either delete or state why it only appears that he occupied the position.
• " Philipps related he was on a posting with the Colonial Office, but arranged 'through the War Office', for a two-year period." Awkward phrasing. Maybe delete "but"?
• "Moving on to Bulgaria, he met" -> "He moved to Bulgaria and met"
• Did Philipps' supposed trip to Europe happen before his posting in Khartoum? If so, it should be placed first.
• "he made it a habit to expose abuses and push through reform." -> "he exposed abuses and advocated for reform." Removing jargon and idioms
• "'dropped from 13 to 7 stone'[e]" I would put the actual conversion of 13 and 7 stone to pounds and kg, so the reader doesn't have to do math. Template:Convert might help with this.
• "Now no longer with an assigned position in Africa he considered" -> Since he was no longer in an assigned position in Africa, he considered
• "In a later letter to de Ganahl written in April 1932 from a hotel in the village of Clarens," Why is it important for the reader to know that this letter was written in a hotel in Clarens?
• "Philipps returned to Africa after all." Delete after all.
• "A falling out with the Governor over how colonial administration was handled would eventually see him removed from duty:" -> Philips was removed from duty after disagreeing with the governor on colonial administration:
• "he had submitted several reports concerning the quality of native administration, each one of them highly critical," -> he had submitted several highly critical reports concerning the quality of native administration
• "local peasantry to submit their grievances to himself personally." delete personally
• "a 'brilliant man' who 'did not exactly fit into Colonial administration'." Direct quotes use double speech marks.

That brings me to "Diplomatic Correspondent, 1936–1939" Z1720 (talk) 17:17, 20 June 2021 (UTC)

@Z1720: "Did Philipps' supposed trip to Europe happen before his posting in Khartoum? If so, it should be placed first" I have not, as of yet, been able to work this out, so I have left the order in its current state for now.

The rest of the suggestions I have now done, however. --Leonstojka (talk) 18:13, 22 June 2021 (UTC)

• "working as a 'foreign correspondent'" Why is this in quotes? If this is in doubt, explain why. If not, it should not be in quotes.

• 'an eager topic of discussion everywhere' Double speech marks should be used. Can all the quotes be checked for this?
• "Kolessa also gave birth to a son," delete also
• "As Kolessa noted in a later interview, the 1938–39 season would prove to be a busy one, with 178 live performances in total, and the South American leg taking in Brazil, Argentina, Chile, and Uruguay." -> "The tour traveled to Brazil, Argentina, Chile, and Uruguay and conducted 178 live performances." I don't think the rest of the information is needed.
• The two paragraphs in "Visit to South America" can be merged and the header deleted. I just don't think there's enough information to warrant its own section.
• "While in South America he also investigated the colonies developed by the Jewish Colonization Association, with a view to find out whether they would be viable places to resettle the increasingly vulnerable Jewish population of Europe." -> "While in South America, he investigated the colonies developed by the Jewish Colonization Association to discover if they would be viable places to resettle the increasingly vulnerable Jewish population of Europe."
• "In a 1939 letter to The Times he objected to the argument made by Chaim Weizmann that the 'Hirsch Jewish land settlements' were unsuitable places for the 'unwanted Jewish Germans and Jewish Poles' and wrote that, based on his own recent observations, they were in a 'state of renaissance'." Speech marks need to be fixed.
• "where the subject of discussion was colonial policy." -> where the colonial policy was discussed."
• "effectively Britain's answer to the so-called 'Ukrainian Question' during the interwar period." so-called is on the words to watch list. Why was it so-called? Maybe be more specific on what the Ukrainian Question is.
• "This meant Germany in particular, who, it was felt, might strengthen themselves" too many commas, reword.

Takes me to "Mission to Canada, 1940–1944." Please check the article for the double speech marks, per MOS:DOUBLE. Thanks. Z1720 (talk) 18:42, 22 June 2021 (UTC)

@Z1720: now done latest suggestions, and had a look for anything that needs double speech marks --Leonstojka (talk) 12:52, 25 June 2021 (UTC)

More comments:

• "some of which were Fascist in nature," fascist should be lowercase
• "he gave lectures to business clubs, local clubs, and the Canadian Institute of International Affairs on the Near East or alternatively Eastern Europe in the aftermath of the Molotov-Ribbentrop Pact." -> "he spoke to business clubs, local clubs, and the Canadian Institute of International Affairs and lectured on the Near East and Eastern Europe in the aftermath of the Molotov-Ribbentrop Pact."
• "While on this tour he was invited by organisers to give lectures to local immigrant groups on current events in Europe. This was extremely convenient, given that behind his cover story of public lecturing, he had been tasked with collecting intelligence on the views of the European immigrant population in Canada." -> "While on this tour he was invited by organisers to give lectures to local immigrant groups on current events in Europe, and used this tour to relay information on the views of the European immigrant population in Canada to the British government."
• "In April 1941 he received from Davis an offer of employment with the Royal Canadian Mounted Police (RCMP) as a "Director of the European Section" on a temporary basis" -> "In April 1941, Davis offered Philipps the role of Director of the European Section the Royal Canadian Mounted Police (RCMP) on a temporary basis" Job titles are not put in quotes, and this is shorter.
• "done in that country to deal with the immigrant ethnic population," What is meant by "deal"? Integrate, placate, remove? Be more specific in the article.
• "having earlier received an invite." I think this can be deleted.
• "raised alarm bells with the frugal RCMP" -> "caused concern with the frugal" per MOS:IDIOM
• "working to shape the loyalty of" -> "working to increase the loyalty of"
• "His period with the Canadian Government was arguably less successful than his spell with the RCMP." This editorialising is either not needed or should be cited.
• "found itself on the same side as the previously neutral Soviet Union." -> "was allied with the Soviet Union"
• "Watson Kirkconnell, an ally of Philipps, would later argue that the sidelining of the Communist faction was both inevitable and politically sound given they were a "seditious organization" with no real loyalty or gratitude to Canada.[83] He believed there was little point accommodating the Communists when they were vastly outnumbered by the various non-Communist groups, stressing that nothing was to be gained anyway by Ottawa "smiling on the sons of sedition" while "cold-shouldering the overwhelming majority" who were loyal to Canada.[84] " Why is this important for the reader to know in a biography about Philipps?
• "In any case, Philipps had," Delete in any case
• "Barbarossa would also undermine an extra aspect of his mission that was very personal:" This editorialising might be deleted, and this information is told in other words later in the paragraph.
• "As time went by" Delete
• "on the outside as well" Do you mean "physically"?
• "Worse still," Delete, editorialising and unnecessary
• "with Lord Halifax and Lady Astor and various other members of the controversial Cliveden set." -> "with Lord Halifax, Lady Astor, and other members..."
• "but eventually offered his resignation" delete eventually
• "Although it now looked as if his career in Canada was effectively over," Delete
• "would wind up keeping" -> "would keep"
• "for Communism continued" communism should be lowercase
• "As far as they were concerned," Delete

Takes me to UNRRA, 1944–1945. In general, I suggest reading and completing WP:REDEX as there are lots of ways to reduce the amount of prose in the article. Since this is a longer article, this will be especially helpful. Z1720 (talk) 19:10, 25 June 2021 (UTC)

@Z1720: Hi, made latest edits, and cut down a bit on some of the prose. --Leonstojka (talk) 17:56, 27 June 2021 (UTC)

Let's keep going, we are almost there!

• "In 1944 Philipps successfully lobbied for a role at the United Nations, working from New York, and later in Germany, as Chief of Planning Resettlement" These commas make the pacing awkward, suggest rewording
• "Germany on 12 June; and expressed special" replace "and" with "he"
• " attributed to the publicity generated by the first letter," If this caused a political scandal, it should be described in the article.
• " recruit émigrés from Eastern Europe." This word might need to be wikilinked
• The last sentence in "Information Research Department" needs to be cited.
• Per MOS:PARA the "British politics" section should be merged with another section, expanded, or deleted.
• Is the first quote in the "Colonialism" section a translation? If it is, consider MOS:FOREIGNQUOTE to ensure it is included in the article properly.
• I'm concerned about the colonialism section using WP:OR. You have supplied quotes that show his changing viewpoints, but a secondary source which has analyzed these quotations. Secondary sources will need to be provided to verify his opinion at different moments in his life.

That takes me to Personal. Z1720 (talk) 02:29, 29 June 2021 (UTC)

thanks for feedback, a couple of notes on the above...

• I have now included the original text of the quote in italics in the notes section. Regarding the translation, I translated the text myself and got the second opinion of a friend who is a native speaker, so I'm quite confident it's accurate
• the quotes in the colonialism section were from articles referenced in the text of Caccia (2006) in her chapter on Philipps' life, so I have now added Caccia as an additional ref for each of the quotes
  • Does Caccia verify the statements, such as, "he argued that the sudden application of European-style administration and democratic modes of government might be too much of a culture shock."? Also, the references should be in numerical order. Z1720 (talk) 13:20, 30 June 2021 (UTC)
    • Okay good thing you asked me this. I was a bit cavalier with the refs in this section. The Good: second quote is directly referenced in Caccia (2006) p. 195 and the introductory line I use for the quote is also similar to the wording of Caccia. The Bad: I had trouble finding the source for the first quote, but I think it must have been from this french language article in my bookmarks, but that article references a different section of Philipps' article than my quote does, so I think I will have to remove this particular quote as it breaches the rule on original research. The third quote I can't find, so I will likely replace this with something else worth mentioning, probably discussed in either Caccia (2006) or Kristmanson (1999) --Leonstojka (talk) 21:27, 30 June 2021 (UTC)
• this wasn't highlighted initially, but I have reordered the IRD section to make it more chronological

--Leonstojka (talk) 00:42, 30 June 2021 (UTC)

Last section! I will also look at the references. The article is already quite long, so I think lots of information here can be removed:

• I do not think the information in the third paragraph in the Personal section is needed, as it goes into a lot of detail.
• The first two paragraphs in Personal can probably be merged. Did Tracy Philipps have any children?
• "Personal" should be flipped with "Views". This section is about his biography so it should be placed with info about his life.
• "Relationship to British intelligence": I am not sure what to do with this section. My gut instinct is telling me to remove it, as his connection and views to British intelligence is explored elsewhere in the article. The information might also be placed into other sections in the article.
• I think the "Interests" section can be removed as it is going into extra detail.
• The "Death" section should be placed chronologically. Right now it has his death, then where he lived before he died, then his funeral.
• Any info on where he is buried?
• The exact address of where he lived can be removed, unless it is particularly significant.
• Selected publications: WP:MOS-BIBLIO explains how to format publications in different languages.
• Per WP:ORDER, external links should be below the references.
• The peerage is a deprecated source and should be replaced.
• findagrave.com is considered an unreliable source and should be replaced.
• Ref 56 to the Canadian Encyclopedia should have the authors and date of publication listed.
• "Canada and the Ukrainian Question, 1939-1945: A Study in Statecraft" is a book, so the article should use specific page numbers instead of citing chapters, similar to what is done with Luciuk and Hillmer.
• Include ISBNs for the books
• Ref 73, remove "'Always Messed About'" and just cite the page number
• Ref 112 is cited to "2010". Can this be more specific?
• Ref 92, "Kirkconnell, Watson" be specific to which page numbers the information came from.

That's all for my first readthrough! Z1720 (talk) 14:23, 30 June 2021 (UTC)

@Z1720: I will go through each of these one by one

• 'I do not think the information in the third paragraph in the Personal section is needed, as it goes into a lot of detail.'
  • I have removed some of the detail. The reason I included it in the first place was as a way of encapsulating just how nomadic Philipps' career was, to the extent he did not have a regular London address despite being employed for years by British govt. I have now shortened it to a single sentence. Let me know what you think.
• 'The first two paragraphs in Personal can probably be merged. Did Tracy Philipps have any children?'
  • Now merged. He did have one son, John, who is mentioned further up the text in 'Diplomatic Correspondent'. An earlier version of this article had more info on him, but I removed it for being original research. He stayed behind in Canada with Kolessa. I will try and find a secondary source that mentions this.
    • You don't need to have too much information on his son, but do include information about the children he had (and that he only had one son). Z1720 (talk) 01:43, 1 July 2021 (UTC)
• '"Personal" should be flipped with "Views". This section is about his biography so it should be placed with info about his life.'
  • By this I take it you mean swapping the positions of these sections?
    • Yes. Z1720 (talk) 01:43, 1 July 2021 (UTC)
      • Y
• 'I am not sure what to do with this section. My gut instinct is telling me to remove it, as his connection and views to British intelligence is explored elsewhere in the article. The information might also be placed into other sections in the article'
  • I had a feeling this might be an issue and wasn't entirely sure about it myself. I have decided to take the penultimate sentence and include it in 'Mission to Canada, 1940–1944' but remove the rest Y
• 'I think the "Interests" section can be removed as it is going into extra detail.' done Y
• 'The "Death" section should be placed chronologically' now fixed Y
• 'Any info on where he is buried?'
  • He is buried in Enstone at St Kenelms Churchyard, but the current reference is from find a grave, which you note further down in your suggestions is unreliable. Do you know a similar site to find a grave that is considered a better resource?
    • Sometimes obituaries or articles about a person's death mention their burial place. It is not important but good to include if you can find it. Z1720 (talk) 01:43, 1 July 2021 (UTC)
• 'The exact address of where he lived can be removed, unless it is particularly significant' I have now edited this part to make it more generalistic Y
• 'Per WP:ORDER, external links should be below the references' now changed Y
• 'The peerage is a deprecated source and should be replaced.' working on this
• 'findagrave.com is considered an unreliable source and should be replaced.' working on this as well
• 'Ref 56 to the Canadian Encyclopedia should have the authors and date of publication listed' fixed Y
• 'Ref 73, remove "'Always Messed About'" and just cite the page number' Y
• 'Ref 112 is cited to "2010". Can this be more specific?' fixed Y
• 'Ref 92, "Kirkconnell, Watson" be specific to which page numbers the information came from.' done Y

will work on these later today/tomorrow...

• Selected publications: WP:MOS-BIBLIO explains how to format publications in different languages. Y
• The peerage is a deprecated source and should be replaced. - now removed Y
• findagrave.com is considered an unreliable source and should be replaced - now removed Y
• "Canada and the Ukrainian Question, 1939-1945: A Study in Statecraft" is a book, so the article should use specific page numbers instead of citing chapters, similar to what is done with Luciuk and Hillmer. Y
  • Ok, do you just mean remove the chapter title from this ref and keep existing page numbers?
    • Remove the chapter title, and give the specific page number the verifies the information (not 40+ pages). Y
• Include ISBNs for the books Y

--Leonstojka (talk) 01:32, 1 July 2021 (UTC)

• Added responses above. Z1720 (talk) 01:43, 1 July 2021 (UTC)

@Z1720: Hi, think I've now done what I can with this

Leonstojka Sorry that I have not given more feedback, as July is a very busy month for me. Quick comment after a skim: All entries in the References section need a period at the end, and ref 10's ISBN should be changed to the 10 digit number to match the other entries. Z1720 (talk) 15:47, 15 July 2021 (UTC)